by freeandflawed on March 7, 2010
Have you seen Garden State? Do you remember that scene where Sam admits to lying?
“OK, so… so… sometimes I lie. I mean, I’m weird, man. About random stuff too, I don’t even know why I do it. It’s like… it’s like a tick, I mean sometimes I hear myself say something and think, Wow, that wasn’t even remotely true.”
Those are my words in Natalie Portman’s mouth. Okay, not really, but it’s totally something I would say because I’m weird, man. Sometimes I hear myself say the most ridiculous stuff and I can’t figure out why I’m lying. The worst is when you tell a lie, remember the lie, but don’t remember who you lied to. Not that I’d know anything about that… Anyway! I’ve decided to come clean. I’m a grown ass woman and I shouldn’t be carrying around lies from the fifth grade.
When I was a wee Jenn I was a fan of David Copperfield, the illusionist. My mom would take me to see his show when he was in Chicago and I would get so upset that he would never choose me for any of his magic tricks. I just wanted to fly with you Copperfield! Why would you crush a young girl’s dream like that? That’s just rude. Right… back to the story. I recall one night, during intermission, my mom and I went out to the merchandise table to get me some Copperfield memorabilia. I walked away with two prints that my mom probably thought I intended to frame. Oh, but I had other plans…
The next morning, before school, I had my mom forge David Copperfield’s signature on the back of one of the prints. Yes, my picture was now “autographed” by Copperfield. I was going to tell the whole fifth grade that I met David Copperfield and I was a part of one of his magic tricks. I’m not sure what was worse, the fact that my mom helped me lie or the that I thought the kids at school would actually care*. But I was SO proud. I kept his picture in my folder all day just hoping someone would ask me what I did the night before so I could whip it out** and say “I saw magic!”
I kept the picture for years before finally getting rid of it. I probably sold it on eBay for $5. Did I learn anything from this? You bet. Next time I’m forging an autograph it better be of someone who actually matters, like Neil Patrick Harris. I mean… lying is bad.
Do you have anything you’d like to get off your chest?
* They didn’t.
** There is no way to say “whip it out” without sounding pervy.
by freeandflawed on March 4, 2010
Do you ever have conversations that you know you’re going to regret, but are so awesome that you can’t help but share it with the world (because the world follows you on Twitter)? I have them ALL the time, and they usually involve the blogger we all know and love: Phampants.
Yesterday Pham was trying to convince me that his dating life should be turn into a reality show of some sort. I agreed, knowing full well that I’d have a cameo since my dating life is rather meh. Some how we got on the topic of procreating and how it’s probably better for the world if we didn’t. Timeout: That’s not true. The world needs mini-Jenns. The conversation ensued:
John: if I don’t procreate, there will be a lot less awesome in this world
me: agreed.
John: Lol | laughing so hard right now cuz I’m remembering a line from a friend. I want to say it but u might be like wtf?
me: go for it
John: We would make interesting children
me: if we had kids, they’d explode from the awesome
John: …
me: yeah, you can tweet that.
John: not the response I was expecting
me: well it’s true!
John: I would agree with that statement, but I’m kinda shocked that u would even fancy the thought of procreating with me
me: that’s not the part to dwell on Pham. we have exploding kids to worry about
So that conversation turns into this:
That turned into a Twitter-battle that somehow resulted in me boycotting (not very well I may add) @localcelebrity’s tweets. So Pham ranted about me abusing him, blah blah blah, and finally I called him a jerkface and he said I could punch him in the face. He’ll deny this, but gchat will tell you otherwise. So after his hissy-fit, the conversation concluded:
John: and i still agree w/ your statement. we would make awesome babies, though explosive, but awesome
me: would they be considered weapons?
John: depends. can they control their awesomeness to which they can decide to explode? or they dont have any control at all?
me: well i mean, they’re awesome so i guess they could do anything
John: in that case yes, but then how many of them will there be?
me: i draw the line at 2, just like cats.
John: ah but then they can’t be weapons of mass destruction. think about it: an army of jennpham kids protecting the planet from an alien invasion. all they need to do is walk up to the mothership and go KABLOOM!
me: until you start having babies, we’re stopping at 2
John: hahaha deal! no baby is going through my pee hole
John: not going to lie, i think this makes for a hilarious blog post
me: oh it most certainly does
John: i think you can do it justice more than i
me: saving the convo as we speak
In conclusion, not only does Pham want to have my weapon-of-mass-destruction babies, he also thinks I’m a better blogger. I win.
The End.
by freeandflawed on March 2, 2010
Holy crap you guys! Thank you so much for the warm welcome back! I was worried you would have taken me out of your readers by now.
I want to say that so much has happened since I stopped blogging. I want to tell you that blog crush and I are in love, that I sold a screenplay and finally figured out those tricky fractions, but then I’d be a liar. I was really hoping to come back with a ton of fun stories to share with you all, but aside from some love-lost and drama, not much has happened. What’s that? You love stories about unrequited love and family drama? Well just you wait. But for right now, lets focus on Los Angeles. 
I feel as if I’m being hazed by LA. I knew there had to be some sort of initiation that didn’t require sleeping with a director. First there was the refrigerator thing. Apparently it’s rare to find an apartment in LA that comes with a refrigerator. It seems that dishwashers come standard, but that won’t matter if I don’t have any food to put on my dishes. So weird.
Then there are the freeways, which I can promise don’t make you feel very free while driving on them. But LA eased me in. I got lucky and found an apartment that is a block away from the freeway, but close enough to work that I don’t need to use it. But when I have to, the 5 isn’t too bad. Then you find out that in order to go to a pole-dancing class (yeah, I’ll get to that later) you have to take the 5 to the 110 to the 10 times infinity, divided by 9. It’s annoying, but bearable. Then, when you’re already running late, your GPS tells you to take the 405. Yes folks, all the stories are true. The 405 is a complete disaster. You’d think it was impossible for a 90-lane road to get backed up, but it’s possible!
Finally, there’s grocery shopping. Yep, it’s actually worse than the freeways, but not because there’s a ton of people. It’s quite the opposite actually. There might only be 11 people in there, but there’s never enough shopping carts. I only have this problem at one store, which happens to be the cheapest and closest store to me. If I don’t grab a cart from the parking lot, I won’t get one inside. Unfortunately there aren’t always carts waiting in the parking lot. WHERE ARE THE CARTS?! So I grab a basket and shop until I can’t carry it. That never completes the list though. So instead of paying, dumping it in my car and going back in, I go home. I go home and I wait an hour and then go back. I wait exactly an hour because I’ll either get lucky and find a cart or the cashier won’t recognize and laugh at me.
So I voluntarily rent my refrigerator (Yes, RENT), take freeways instead of main roads and always go back to that same grocery store. Why? Because I refuse to let LA win. Stick that in your bubble pipe and blow it.
… I never said I was a wordsmith.
by freeandflawed on February 28, 2010
::cue music::
I’m still tweaking the blog, but I feel like I’ve been away long enough. I took two months off, except for those three random posts. Don’t judge me. I dare you to step away from your blog for two months and see how easy it is.
I’ve worked really hard to make my blog what it is, or what it was. I never took a single visit or comment for granted (Thank you!) I spent hours each day going through blogs, commenting, connecting and ultimately, finding inspiration. And while Free and Flawed will always be a part of me, I want to bring my blog back to what it was when I first started it.
That means it’s going to be full of crazy. I miss the shared experiences. I miss learning that some of you can’t balance on exercise balls either. I like knowing that I’m not the only person who checks behind the shower curtain upon returning home. So while the domain remains the same, the intent has changed.
What better way to return and kick start this Monday than by sharing a bit of crazy?
1) I can’t remember birthdays unless Facebook reminds me.
2) I believe that poptarts and popcorn are acceptable for dinner.
3) If it has a face, it has a name. Every stuffed animal, rubber duck or tiny dinosaur has a name. Of course I can’t remember half of them so they usually go through a handful of names.
4) I make mustaches out of silly putty.
5) I am self-conscious about the size of my thumbs. Thanks iPhone.
Would you like to share some crazy? I think you would.
by freeandflawed on February 23, 2010
I’m working on a new design, so don’t mind the mess.
Carry on…
Be back soon!
Have you seen Garden State? Do you remember that scene where Sam admits to lying?
