Scene: Cafe at work. My nose is pressed up against the glass panel of a vending machine while my hands bang on the sides.
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If you were to walk into the cafe at this moment you would hear me softly whining, “Nooooooo! Take my change! Why hath thou forsaken me?!” Last week the vending machine did not accept dollars. This was a bit upseting as I usually don’t have much change on me. This week, after planning ahead, I brought exactly 55 cents with me. That delicious bag of SunChips has been waiting for me for days now. I go downstairs, gently greet the machine with a “hello beautiful” and as I slide my hands over the glass, I notice a sign.
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“Does not accept change.”

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Noooooooooooooooooooo! But I have 55 cents! I have no dollars! Why are you toying with me? I could hear it laugh at me as I walked away. I sulked back to my desk. My wounds ached as I cried mini tears of sadness. A tear fell onto my lips and as I licked it off, I remembered the saltiness of the chips I could be eating right now.
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I’m convinced my office needs an “in case of emergency” box. In it: a crisp dollar bill, four quarters, ten dimes, twenty nickels, a granola bar, toilet paper and a band-aid.
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Wait. How many nickels go into a dollar? 5 multiplied by 5 is 25…so….20? Why is this so difficult! Damn you vending machine you stole my logic!!

Fortune listed Google at #1 on its 100 Best Companies to Work For list. My boss wanted some information off of their careers page so I stepped up. I took one for the team! But not before quenching my own thirst for knowledge. First I stumbled upon the Top 10 Reasons to Work at Google. “Silly Google, ” I thought. “You don’t need to persuade ME to work for YOU.” As I browsed the site, which I’ve never done before, I learned that Google offers scholarships and internships. How exciting! I checked to see if I met any of the requirements for either. Sadly I do not. This got me thinking though….even though I want to work for Google, I have no idea what I’d actually do there. So I came up with a list!
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1. I could roam from person to person and tell them what a good job they’re doing. “Great memo, Ben!” “Loving the hair Sara!” “Hey John! Great Post-It tower!” I might even pat them on the back. Everyone can use some positive reinforcement, even Googlelites. That’s what I’d call my colleagues.
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2. When I’m done commending everyone for a job well done, I could offer to organize their office. I like to organize and snoop through things. I’d be killing two birds with one stone and they’d reap all the benefits.
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3. After that I could come up with some art for the website to celebrate obscure holidays such as PBJ day. Personally I’d love seeing two peanuts as Os when I opened up Google.
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4. I could test out ball pits in case they were considering purchasing one. This includes, but is not limited to, trampolines, moon bounces, velcro walls, giant slides and bungee jumping.
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5. There is a doctor on site at one of their locations. I could come up with crazy diseases and make sure this doctor is top notch. No sub-par doc for Google! I’m willing to get poked and prodded for some G-love.
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6. I could say “google” in all sorts of funny voices and accents over a loud speaker. You know, just in case someone forgets where they are. And who knows, “google” may lull some employees into a calm, meditative state in which they create something truly magnificent. They’ll thank me.
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7. I could be a pillow tester for employees who sleep in their offices. I’d appreciate someone checking my pillow nightly to make sure it was up to my fluffy standards.
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8. I could also roam the building telling jokes. People need to laugh. Happy employees tend to be more efficient and productive. They’re also less likely to write “I hate my job/boss/your face” on a Post-It and put them on microwaves, mirrors or windows. I’d clean up the sticky residue if they did.
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See, there are many opportunities for me at Google that don’t require some fancy college degree or ridiculously mad computer/sales/marketing/engineering skills. I’m a Jenn of All Trades! How many companies boast one of those? None! So Google, if you were to ask me if I wanted to come on board and monitor the security of your elevators, I’d reply with an enthusiastic “super fuck yeah!!!”