In one of my classes we’re discussing human mate choice, why we have sex, who chooses who, etc. In lab yesterday we conducted a survey of the class. We had to rank the following attributes in order of what we want the most and least in a mate.

We separated the data and averaged it out so we could compare what women want to what men wanted. I am so disappointed in my class.

The attributes were friend’s approval, wealth, academic achievement, ambition, intelligence, physique, fashion sense, sense of humor, shared values, and fidelity commitment.

The average woman chose academic achievement as her most important attribute and shared values as the least. The average man, however, chose fashion sense as his most important attribute and INTELLIGENCE as the least.

What?! I mean, I shouldn’t be surprised, but I will never understand why a man prefers a woman to look good over being smart. Obviously the men in my class aren’t looking for a long-term mate and are more concerned with a good time. I just couldn’t imagine spending time with somebody I couldn’t talk to.

Anyway, this just got me thinking about what men and women want and how closely the two sexes relate. My class is a poor example because it’s made up of mainly 19-22 year olds.

What do you look for in a mate? Which of the attributes above would be the most important? Least?

Sometimes I just can’t keep it in.

I am super duper smitten.

That is all.

Ain’t it sweet that I compared my adoration to gas? Uh huh.

Can I be that girl for a minute?

Waking up and knowing that when I leave him I won’t have to wait another month to see man friend is one of the best feelings in the world.

Underneath all of the school and family mucky muck, this is the happiest I’ve been in a very, very long time.

Thank you.

Despite the ongoing mucky-muck with my dad and my sore neck/back, I think I had a pretty eff’in good weekend. Let’s recap shall we?

Friday:
- Received my muscle man.
- Finished a whole chapter of math homework during the debates.
- Still smitten.

Saturday:
- Went to Sam’s Club for the first time ever. A giant tub of cheese balls, Flinstone vitamins and tampons that came with a free razor? Yes please!
- Discovered I can fit 11 cheese balls in my mouth at once.
- Saw Choke with the man friend.

Sunday:
- Spent another Sunday morning being lazy in bed.
- Checked out Tiffany’s apartment and am pretty sure I’ll be moving out within the next month.
- Had a pretty good dinner and some laughs with the grandfolk and man friend.
- Bears won

So what if I’ve since fallen behind on math homework, still lack a bed and can’t move my shoulder blades without complaining. What matters is that there’s a whole lot of good mixed in with a little bit of bad. I haven’t had a chance to catch up on my reader (I will tonight!)

What was the best part of your weekend?

P.S. Did you know that there is a difference between snoring and sexy snoring? Apparently there is

“You could make my head swerve.
Used to know my every curve.
And now we meet on a street,
And I am blind. I cannot find the heart I gave to you.

Sometimes what we think we really need, we don’t.
Sometimes what we think we love, we don’t.”

Sometimes unexpected communication can spark unexpected thoughts. This weekend I found myself thinking back to where I was a year ago.

I was saying goodbye to him and Boston a year ago, only to say hello again to him in Atlanta. I spent some time reflecting on those few months and it’s become a lot easier to go back there. Sure my heart aches when I think of how in love I was. I still feel foolish for sticking around as long as I did. But I’m slowly finding peace with the situation.

The answers I’ve been waiting for? They’ve been right in front of me all along. The absence, the “I don’t knows,” and the pulling away…they’re all answers. He didn’t fight because he didn’t want to. There’s no need to question it further. He didn’t love me because he wasn’t ready to. That’s all I need to know. (Now if only I could be okay with that!)

Anyway, the point of this was to see how far I’ve come in the last six months. I’m learning how to live without him and I’m finding what it is I really want in a relationship. What do I need? What will I not tolerate?

Well for starters I will not tolerate distance. Technology will never replace a real hug. I don’t miss the anxiety and uncertainty in not knowing when I’ll see him again. I don’t want to date a phone. I really missed the spontaneity in a relationship. “Wanna hang out in 17 minutes?” “Sure.” Okay, maybe I’m not THAT spontaneous, but not having to book a flight two months in advance to see one movie with the guy is a HUGE relief. Plus less expensive. Of course, there is always another side to this. For example, I have no clue how to be in a local relationship. The distance provided me with “me” time. No one was cramping my style. There was no risk of seeing too much of each other. I’m learning how to balance all of that though. Just be patient with me.

What do I need? Above all things I need someone to have the courage to be honest with me. Don’t leave me hanging on that rope, hoping I’ll cut myself down.

We had good times and I’m very grateful for them. It wasn’t all bad and for a period in time I was at my happiest. He encouraged me and supported decisions I’ve made. He was my best friend and I’ll always be thankful for that. At times it seems like it’s getting harder to remember him as my boyfriend. I’ll never forget him. Bits and pieces of him are still with me. But sometimes when I think of him, his face is a bit blurrier than last time. Conversations are forgotten. Maybe this is letting go…

(I wrote this Friday morning while waiting for my flight to Florida - not that it matters)

The other day I mentioned that I may or may not have spoken with my ex. I use “spoken” rather loosely since the Internet replaces the sound of a voice with the tapping of keys.

During my pseudo-conversation, I may or may not have learned that the move to Iceland has been postponed, indefinitely. If he were the one to postpone it, he may have said that he was going for the wrong reasons. This made me feel proud. I’m happy that he took the time to think about what he was doing and made a decision based on what was best for himself. With that said, what?!

I based our breakup on his move. It made it some what easier to think that the only reason we wouldn’t be together is because of the extra distance. We could barely do different states, another country was out of the question. Now I feel like I need to re-evaluate the entire thing. Did he ever intend to move? Did he know that his decision (that didn’t include me by the way) would get me to break up with him? Am I just over-analyzing like I usually do? (The answer to that is yes, by the way.)

I spent parts of my vacation crying over this, and why? Why should I spend anymore time dwelling on what I can’t change? Why do I keep on asking the same questions over and over. By now I should know I’ll never get the answers I seek. The longer I wonder, the more foolish I feel.

I want to come off as I don’t care. That I’ve moved on and I couldn’t be happier. My life is amazing and so full of great people, happy memories and very few tears. And for the most part I do have a good life. It’s the part where I have to remove him from the big picture that sucks.

I’m tired of caring. I’m tired of hurting. It’s been a few months. I want to be over it now. So come on…feelings of resolution and closure! You are welcome any time.

We all know the phrase “practice makes perfect.” And in some cases, I suppose it does. Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you’re great. Practice is required to better your skills. But what if what you’re practicing is wrong? What if instead of playing a b flat you play a b? Instead of going around the cone, you drive over it? In that case practice makes permanent. Practicing something the wrong way won’t make perfect. You’ll be stuck in that routine and something will always be off.
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I hate to think that practice makes permanent applies to my relationship mucky-muck, but I can’t help but see a pattern. I practice what I think is right only to find something is wrong. I go over it again and again and continue to try, yet the people watching can obviously see where the problem is. It’s like watching an ice skater spin when she should jump, only to wind up dizzy and crash into the judges table.
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I’ve put myself in a delicate situation. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and by rock, I mean friendship, and hard place I mean relationship. It’s no secret that I wish my relationship were better. I never wanted it to end, but what was I suppose to do? Sit tight while he planned his life without me? Hope that maybe, just maybe he’d realize what he was losing and change his mind? Maybe ending it was the right thing, maybe it wasn’t.
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I was no where near healing, but when he began talking to me again it only confused me. He acts just as broken up as I am over this. So then I have to ask, why are we doing this? If he doesn’t want to risk never talking to me again, why is he going? Why not fight for me if you want everything to be okay?
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I have so many questions and very few answers. I don’t think I’ll ever get the answers I want or need. He’s my Mr. Big. He is the guy I will compare every other guy to. He’s the guy who I’ll think about when I’m in Paris, Italy or even Florida. I’ll wonder what it would have been like if we’d actually both got on a plane together. He’ll always pop up when I think I’m ready to be happy again and he’ll always be the source of unanswerable questions. The only difference is I’m not the one leaving. He is. The chances of him walking in on me crawling around on the expensive floor of a hotel are slim.
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And even if he wanted to turn back and walk away from the plane and hop a flight to Chicago instead, I think he’s too afraid to do it.
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Because after all of this…after all the practicing and waiting, he still can’t let himself just be. Deep down I know his intentions are well and I believe that he has the spontaneity in him, be he’s too afraid of me. Instead of running into this head on and taking on the world with me, he’d rather stand still alone and push me away. That is something I will never understand.
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I’ll never know what is or why he is holding himself back. I don’t know what about me is so frightening. Aside from my giant strongs; my arms scare children. I know. We’d have the greatest love of all time if he’d just let go. I know it.

I’ve always been eager to throw money away - by that I mean I enjoy throwing change into bodies of water. As a child it was exciting to see all the shiny coins at the bottom. It was fun reaching in to grab as much as I could with my tiny hands before someone noticed. I thought the money was left there because people didn’t want it anymore. I wanted it. I didn’t really grasp the concept of wishes just yet. I’ve since learned it’s best to leave people’s wishes alone - karma, you know? I don’t want any bad ju-ju.
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I still rummage through pockets and purses to find loose change to throw into fountains. I’ve changed the rules a bit. I call them hopes instead of wishes. I never liked that if you shared your wish then it wouldn’t come true. I always want to tell people what I wish for. I figure there’s nothing in the rule book about hopes so why not call them that?
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I remember a couple years ago I was waiting outside of Union Station with my friend Dan-o, throwing change into the Chicago River. I think I spent nearly $5 on hopes that night. I hoped for everything from warmer weather to my throat not being sore. I lost my voice the next day, but it wasn’t sore! My favorite place to hope is the “foot bath” (I dubbed it that) at Millennium Park. I only discovered it last year but have already been there with some of my favorite people.
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I went to the “foot bath” over the weekend with Jamie and thought about the last time I was there. It was around the same time last year with *him.* I remembered throwing my hopes (or pennies) in the water and watching him as he made his. My hopes always change. I feel selfish when I hope for myself. With every penny I’ve thrown in the last two years, I threw in another one hoping for his happiness. Even this past weekend, I still hoped he’d find happiness.
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Selfishly I thought that he had found it with me. So I guess my hopes were that he’d stay. Obviously such is not the case, but I truly hope he finds happiness now. With or without me. I might need to use a nickel or dime next time.
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P.S. Just to show that my hopes don’t always revolve around someone else, I did hope for an affordable and beautiful trip to Mexico with Jamie. See? If I wished that, I couldn’t tell you and none of you would know that we’re planning this. Feel free to throw some change into a wishing well and keep your fingers crossed that we don’t have to sell a kidney for a hotel room.
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*Note: That is NOT Jamie’s foot in the picture haha!

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I forgot to add “giving the evil eye to happy couples.” Cause I do that. A lot.

I’m going to whine about my relationship poo-poo. Those of you who don’t want me to harsh your mellow or whatever the cool kids are saying these days, go entertain your geeky side. Also I’m providing no disclaimer because I will not apologize for being mad or hurt.
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Last night I was in an icky mood. I was curled up on my bed watching Lost and debating whether or not to eat my ideal date frog prince from Kristen. It was so cute and I felt bad eating it. I ate his crown and put him back in his box. Now he’s just a frog again. I wanted to start reading It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken, but I’m still not okay with being broken up. I can’t even bring myself to change my Facebook or Myspace status. I’d rather leave it at “it’s complicated” than call myself single.
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Maybe it’s because of how things were left. I guess we never officially said we were broken up. I have a feeling if I were to ask, which is stupid, I would get an “I don’t know” in return. I think that’s what pisses me off the most about this. He just doesn’t know. How do you NOT know if you love me? How do you NOT know if you want me in your life? How can you NOT fight for this?
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No, you know what pisses me off the most? That he let, no, that I let this get so far. If he was feeling unsure the entire time we were together, he never should have said he loved me. He should have never let me look at schools in Boston or apartments in Atlanta. I should have known better, but I trusted him. I’m mad at him for allowing me to get so wrapped up in him. I spent almost two years building a relationship that I thought was going somewhere and it turns out he’s the only one going. What the hell? Why do I have to take a back seat everything? If it wasn’t his job, it was a hockey or lacrosse game. Why did he even get into a relationship if he wasn’t ready to give all of himself? Why did he break my heart the way he did?
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Why couldn’t he dig deep inside of himself and figure shit out and say “Jenn, I don’t want to be with you?” Tell me you don’t love me. Tell me you don’t think this will work. I hate the I don’t know. That’s what makes this hurt so much more, because he won’t grow a pair and tell me he doesn’t want this. He’s left it all up to me. I was the one who had to walk away. If I didn’t, we’d probably be doing this until he left for Iceland.
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Ugh, Iceland. Why is Iceland better than me? I know, I know, it’s his career and it’s a great opportunity. But damnit. Why wasn’t I a factor in his decision? He already made his decision before he told me. Why not talk to me about it? Why push me away and make things worse? Can you believe he stopped saying “I love you” because he thought it would be easier for me? How would that be easier for me? It hurt not hearing “I love you.” I think he stopped because he just didn’t love me and couldn’t tell me that.
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I cried last night when I saw Miranda and Steve holding each other on SATC (I keep relating my relationship poo-poo to this show, I’m sorry). I cried because I will never feel his arms around me again and I hate that. This would be SO much easier if I hated him or he was a complete dick. I try to get mad. I try to be furious that he hid his divorce from me. I try to be angry because of all the I don’t knows…and I am. I am mad. But it’s not working. I’m still very much in love with him and hate every minute of this.
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I have to hide online because I don’t want to see his MSN status anymore. I don’t want to know what state he’s in or who he’s visiting because he’s not visiting me. He’s so good at hiding his feelings, too, so he’s probably already over it. The other day I came up with a list of things I missed about him when it hit me. No matter what I do, whether I pull away or grasp on, he’s not going to fix this. The chances of him changing his mind and flying to Chicago to surprise me are very slim. I need to accept that it’s over. I need to change my statuses and move on. His I don’t knows should be enough to motivate this healing process. But I’m still hanging on. He didn’t go out of his way while we were together so why should I expect any different now? Because some part of me wishes my love were enough.
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Love isn’t enough sadly. Lesson learned.