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Things my cats need to learn

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• Knocking pens off of tables and watching me pick them up only to do it again is not a game.

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• Kicking litter out of the box then running in it so you can hear the cool sound it makes on the mat isn’t cute anymore.

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• Use your little kitty paw to cover your little kitty mouth when you yawn in my face. Just because you’re adorable doesn’t mean your breath don’t stank.

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• It is NOT necessary to follow me into the bathroom.

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• Doors are closed for a reason.

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• Puke on tile or wooden floors only. Avoid all carpets and fabrics.

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• No playing with bells after 11 p.m.

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• Inviting someone to rub your belly only to bite their hand is not nice.

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• Yes, that is you in the mirror, get over it.

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• No matter how cute you think it is, I don’t want your butt in my face.

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• Blinds are not your personal alarm clock. Don’t start attacking them at 6 a.m.

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• It is not necessary to walk all over me while I’m sleeping. If I roll over, that is not an invitation for you to switch sides and rub your paw all over my face.

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• Laptops, cell phones, DVD players and shoes are my toys. Little colorful mice, feathers and balls with bells are your toys.

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This was too good to pass up! Plus this blog could use a little humor this week.
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It took me nearly a minute to figure out what “effishuncie” was. I was thinking f-is-hunch-ie!
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Hi there.
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Does everyone remember Seven? Of course you do. How could you not remember the cat in which I dedicated three posts to her pooping habits.
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Three seems to be the magic number with her because tonight she peed not once, not twice, but three times on the same chair. In the past she’s used this chair as her own personal lavatory, but we’ve cleaned it and now keep it covered with an old shower curtain. Last week she decided she’d like to christen it with a little golden shower. I thought nothing of it as it was only once and it hadn’t happened for a while. But today! It’s ridiculous!
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Once when I was gone. The curtain was cleaned and put back. Then I get home to find more on it. This time the shower curtain was replaced. I take a shower, come back upstairs, what do I find? More cat pee on the chair! What is going on?! Chairs aren’t bathrooms! There is a very clean litter box only four feet away from the chair. Why is it so difficult to use it?
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I know, “take her to the vet.” Well unless you’re going to donate to her vet bill, I just can’t afford it right now. And I really don’t want to take her there, pay $300 just to find out she’s constipated again or just pissed off.
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I had this awesome post all planned out in which I’d list the reasons why I’d make such an awesome drunk person, but all of that is ruined. The stench of cat pee has completely sucked me out of my buzz.
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Seven, I woke up in one of those “fuck off” moods, too today. But unlike you, I’m not peeing on chairs. Knock it off!
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Any suggestions other than cleaning a litter box (it’s clean), getting another one (she has two!), or taking her to the vet tomorrow are welcome. Obviously if it persists, I’ll take her to the vet, but I work tomorrow anyway. She’d have to wait until Saturday regardless.

Many bloggers post often about their adorable puppies (I’m talking about you Lovely!) and I’ve been feeling out of the loop. I don’t have an obnoxiously cute puppy to share with you all and let’s face it, cats don’t have the same appeal as puppies do. But I do have a new addition to my mini family who I would like to introduce you all to as he will be a big part of my life:
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His name is Barry, Bar for short.So I decided to jump on board with everyone else and share pictures of my new pet:
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There he is with his toy. It’s his favorite.
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Aww good boy! Have a treat!
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Bar’s comfortable with his sexuality and enjoys sleeping in a pink princess bed.
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He ate the whole thing!
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Come on Barry, let’s go out for a walk!
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Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? You’re a good boy!
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Thank you taking the time to welcome Barry into my family.

When I think of the word “maid” doing work doesn’t come to mind.
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Beer maid - They get your beer for you so you don’t have to.
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Nursey maid - Aren’t these the same as nannies? Well, whatever, they take care of the kiddies for you.
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Kitchen maid - Also known as a personal chef I’m sure. They cook so you don’t have to.
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Cleaning maids - I see them driving around all the time. They clean your house so you don’t have to.
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Old maid - I’m not sure what they do for you.
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Littermaid - These fancy little boxes should clean cat poop for you so you don’t have to.
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But do they? NO! The word “maid” is used very loosely to those Littermaid folks. This isn’t the first time I’ve had beef with this product (See here and here.) What’s the problem now? Well it doesn’t do a good job of cleaning. Would you keep a maid if you had to pick up after she’s already been through the house? No. Well I don’t want to scoop up cat poop after the box has already “cleaned” it. I don’t want to pick up the poo-bin to find a bunch of litter under it. That’s not where it’s supposed to go!
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I shouldn’t have to clean up after a self-cleaning litter box. I’m doing less work cleaning the non-mechanical one upstairs. I’d be better off buying another normal box and replacing that stupid machine. Did you read that Littermaid? I hate your product and by association I hate all of you. Your faces are stupid.
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On a funnier note, I was pouring litter from one container to another and Voodoo is apparently afraid of falling litter. He came. He sniffed. He bolted.
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Because I’m sure you all want to keep up to date on Seven’s Poop Emporium….
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My cute, cuddly, constipated Seven has opened up shop!
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I was trying hard not to seem like I was watching her out of fear she may get shy and run off. She used the litter box. Not a whole lot, but baby steps right?
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This is good…this means the scratches across my face were not in vain! This of course means the metamucil is working and I will have to give her a few more syringes full until this is a regular occurrence. There’s potential for more face scratches.

Never try to give a pissed off cat a syringe full of water & metamucil.
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She will scratch your face.

Seven’s Poop Emporium is officially closed.
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Giving meds to a cat who hates your guts is no easy task my friends.
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It all began when I mixed the metamucil with her wet food. I brought the food, her bed, a litter box and her into the computer room in hopes that she would eat. I even enticed her with the treat of wet food (they’re on a dry food diet.) Well, as it turns out, she’s afraid to be in rooms by herself with the door shut. She hid behind a chair almost the whole time. I lured her out by brushing her a bit, but she refused to touch the food….which defeats the point.
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Voodoo, the other cat, sat outside of the door waiting for her the entire time. It was so sad to see their little paws reaching beneath the door. About an hour later I wanted to check on her to see if she had eaten. Nope. She didn’t. She also escaped. So I gave up on leaving her in a room. It’s no good for either of the two cats.
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I later tried wrapping her in a towel and giving her a water/metamucil mix with an eyedropper. This was after it took three of us to catch her, wrap her and hold her. Obviously this stressed her out. So I gave up on that as well. I called the vet and said look man, this isn’t working. The technician on staff at 8:30pm told me to try canned pumpkin. ::insert blank stare here:: Canned pumpkin?! I can’t even get my cat to eat normal cat treats and you think she’s going to eat pumpkin?! Needless to say I didn’t even try that.
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I went back to the vet this morning and he gave me a syringe and demonstrated on a cat there how easy it was to give them a pill. First off doc, you’re about 6′1″ and the cat you used was HALF the size of mine. From a physical standpoint, there’s no contest. But being 5′1″ and my cat being twice the size of a normal cat, it’s pretty difficult for me to hold her with one arm and feed her with another, especially while she’s flailing about. Thanks anyway.
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I went to the pet store and picked up some tasty treats that I’m hoping I can wrap a pill in. Unfortunately, neither of the cats seem to want the treat sans pill right now. Hopefully I can chalk that up to they’re not hungry right now. I also bought Laxatone, which is a lubricant meant to prevent hairballs, but works as a mild laxative. Of course, they don’t want that either. Honestly, I can’t blame them. Finally I bought Seven a new bed - this is my way of bribing her to love me again.
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Why can’t they just stick a little pill up her little pooper and let that be it? Why does this have to be so difficult?!

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That’s my fantastically fat cat Seven. She enjoys lounging in the sun, airing out her bits and licking herself.
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I had to take her to the vet today because she’s been regurgitating her food and peeing outside of the litter box lately. And in case anybody is curious, I learned the difference between regurgitating and vomiting while there. I’m just saying…
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My deliciously plump kitty was pretty nervous while the vet examined her, but she did pretty well. She even rolled over a few times for a tummy rub. That happy attitude quickly turned into hate when they took her back for an x-ray and urinalysis. Lucky kitty!
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Looking at her x-rays were pretty cool! Before pointing out that she seems to be missing 2/3 of her liver, she showed me her large intestine. It seems that Seven hasn’t used the litter box for toosies in almost a week. That’s right, my sweet snuggly Seven is constipated. Though I feel bad for her because she’s obviously uncomfortable, I couldn’t help but giggle a little bit. Tee hee. I was told to buy a laxative. For Seven. A cat. How could I not giggle about this?
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The fact that she has hard stool filling up her large intestine could be adding some discomfort onto her bladder. So naturally, she goes wherever the hell she feels like going, right? I don’t know. I won’t have the results back from her urinalysis until tomorrow. Hopefully it’s not a bladder infection because I don’t think she’ll like cranberry juice.
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All joking aside, this is no laughing matter. Because I have two cats and one needs to eat special food and be on meds, I have to separate the two. Also, how will I know if she’s using the litter box? Well I won’t unless I put her in a room for 2-3 hours while she eats and hopefully, poops. That’s right, this weekend I am on litter box duty (duty…get it? Bad pun). Le sigh…
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Hopefully the metamucil will help her and the other two meds will keep the discomfort levels on the low side. She’s currently sprawled out on her bed by the heat vent looking all fat and cute. Just in case you were wondering.

I can understand people wanting to decorate their homes, party spaces and even themselves with the logos and colors of the team they’re cheering for. But the pets? Seriously?
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Super Bowl Scratcher for cats. The cardboard football also comes with a 1/2-ounce bag of catnip. How nice. The company behind this, M.A.X. is actually pretty spiffy. They’ve created a whole line of unique-shaped cat scratchers.
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On the more ridiculous end of the spectrum, we have jerseys for our sport-friendly pets. Before I go any further, let me state that I don’t like dressing animals up in clothes to begin with. Put a sweater on them when they go out and it’s cold. There’s no need for skirts, vests that match mine or suit jackets.
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So obviously I won’t be buying a Giants or Patriots jersey for my four-legged pals. There’s also a hat to match the jerseys, as well as food bowls, pillows/beds, etc. Sweet lord.
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More importantly, I will be watching the Super Bowl hoping that Eli Manning effs up some how and secretly hating both teams because neither one is the Bears and I can’t cheer whole-heartedly