- I never drink a lot because I’m concerned about my liver. I worry that one day my dad might need a piece of it.

- I didn’t visit my grandpa in the hospital because it’s too hard to see him there. I feel selfish and know that I’ll regret it.

- I still haven’t gone to visit my aunt’s grave. It’s been more than a year since she’s died. I haven’t visited my grandma’s either. She’s been gone for 7. It makes me angry that after all this time she still doesn’t have a gravestone and I can’t afford to give her one.

- I’m lactose intolerant, but I continue to eat cereal, pizza, and ice cream.

- I’ve worked really hard to determine and create the boundaries I need, but I don’t always enforce them.

- I write on my blog more than I write in my paper journal. I worry that one day i will want to look back on all of this and it won’t be here.

- When my favorite TV character is happy, I smile; when they’re sad, I cry.

- I say “no worries” even when something bothers me. I just don’t like making a big deal out of something so small.

It appears that unremarkable organs run in my family. First my grandpa’s bladder (you had to be there) and now my brain.

I had my noggin’ scanned the other day to make sure I wasn’t crazy figure out why I get so many migraines. Being the curious anatomy buff that I am I requested a copy of my scans.

I don’t know what I was expecting. I thought I’d see more. Note: I’m not sure how much more I wanted to see. Obviously I’m grateful that there’s nothing funky going on up there, but the scans themselves are pretty unremarkable. Maybe I only say that because I’ve actually held a human brain and explored it so anything else is less exciting.

I figure these scans could be printed out and used for decoration around the new apartment, or maybe I’ll send them out as Christmas cards. I could always make a guide/map of my brain - that’s a thought! At least they made for an interesting blog post

This is Jenn’s Brain:

I will admit that I spent about 45 minutes scrolling through the scans and watching as they go through my head. “In the head…out of the head…in the head…” Very entertaining!

Don’t forget about the latest batch of link love.

When I wasn’t bouncing around between classes, I was working. I managed to creep myself out by researching some spooky ghost stories for the Chicago’s Most Haunted guide I wrote. Seriously, having a school right next store to a haunted landmark is no fun.

I found out that in addition to the 8-page lab report I have to write this week I have to create some charts and what not for a pre-lab. That’s for the extra work teach!

After school I had to go bed shopping with my mom. But why? I already bought a bed didn’t I? Yes, I did. However Sears has way too high of interest rates and we decided to go with another store. The salesman was pretty craptastic. He kept talking to my mom, referring to me as “she,” as if I wasn’t there. Um, hello. I’m the 24-year-old who’s buying a bed, not her. Talk to me or at least look at me. Anyway, it ended up costing more than I wanted to spend, but whatever. Hopefully I made the right decision. I guess it’s great because I was approved to finance a bed. Apparently it’s easier to buy a car than a mattress. Winner.

Tomorrow my grandpa is getting an angioplasty. If all goes well he’ll only be in the hospital for a day or two. If his veins are too weak, he’ll go into full blown surgery and will in there for 7-10 days. Keep your fingers crossed that all goes well.

If you haven’t already, check out Daddy Dan’s Ask The Bloggers: Week 2 post about time travel.

Oh! I bought my Halloween costume tonight. It’s super spooky. Are you ready for this?

I know. It’s spine-tingling.

I thought that eating too many carrots would turn my skin orange.

I believed I wouldn’t get any gifts at Christmas if I didn’t believe in Santa.

I was terrified that I’d grow up to be Stranger Danger.

I trusted easily.

I held a grudge against the Easter bunny (still do!)

I thought that my Barbies would walk around their houses when I was in bed.

I was scared that people lived in mirrors.

I didn’t believe in organization.

I colored with my tongue sticking out of my mouth.

I believed that because my cousin was a week older than me that she would die before me.

I was sure that Freddy Kruger was going to kill me.

I was reluctant to take a bath unless there were some form of bubbles, Foamy Soap or food coloring in the water.

I convinced myself that Jaws was in my bathtub if I couldn’t see through the water to the bottom of the tub.

I thought I sounded like a boy.

I could watch the same movie over and over and never get bored. (Batman was my movie of choice, followed by Beetlejuice and Good Morning Vietnam!)

I believed my toy vacuum could really suck things up.

What are some funny things you did or believed as a kid?

Despite the ongoing mucky-muck with my dad and my sore neck/back, I think I had a pretty eff’in good weekend. Let’s recap shall we?

Friday:
- Received my muscle man.
- Finished a whole chapter of math homework during the debates.
- Still smitten.

Saturday:
- Went to Sam’s Club for the first time ever. A giant tub of cheese balls, Flinstone vitamins and tampons that came with a free razor? Yes please!
- Discovered I can fit 11 cheese balls in my mouth at once.
- Saw Choke with the man friend.

Sunday:
- Spent another Sunday morning being lazy in bed.
- Checked out Tiffany’s apartment and am pretty sure I’ll be moving out within the next month.
- Had a pretty good dinner and some laughs with the grandfolk and man friend.
- Bears won

So what if I’ve since fallen behind on math homework, still lack a bed and can’t move my shoulder blades without complaining. What matters is that there’s a whole lot of good mixed in with a little bit of bad. I haven’t had a chance to catch up on my reader (I will tonight!)

What was the best part of your weekend?

P.S. Did you know that there is a difference between snoring and sexy snoring? Apparently there is

A very small part of me feels like I am not managing my time very well. Every night I feel like I don’t have enough time to accomplish the things I need to do. I never feel caught up and I certainly don’t feel ahead. I love school. I am super inquisitive and love learning. So it really freaked me out when the idea of quitting rolled through my mind the other day.

Thursday I have a lab test in anatomy. I will be asked to identify structures on cadavers. I will have one minute at each of 48 stations. No pressure.

Friday I have an exam in my anatomy lecture. I will be tested on eight chapters of information. Information that I completely forgot about. The disadvantage of being in an online course means that I forget that there is more going on than just my lab. People are actually in lectures three days a week. Things are being taught and I am missing out because I forget to listen to the live lectures or read the book.

Friday I also have a math exam that needs to be completed before 9 a.m. Math, as you may remember, is not my strongest subject. I’ve been inching along doing just enough to get by. Unfortunately that requires a 2-3 hour commitment every night. Math teachers have seem to forgotten that their class is not my only class.

I have homework every night and tonight, I’m not doing it. I did about 20 minutes of math and jotted down some anatomy notes during House. I just can’t seem to focus enough to sit there, undistracted, and learn. The worst part is I’ve failed two tests already. I can’t seem to absorb this information. It’s not clicking. I don’t have time for tutors because I go straight to work after school. I can’t drop a class because I have exactly 15 credits, which are needed so I can get my grants.

Still feel this way.

My eyes are tired and my body hurts. I don’t know if it’s stress, lack of sleep or sickness. I can’t seem to get used to this schedule. In order to wake up at 5 a.m. and be functional I need to be in bed no later than 10:30. Math homework rarely allows for that. I wake up at 5 and I am out the door by 6. By 7 I am at school and reading over notes for my first class at 8. Between 8 and 11 I have had three classes. By 11:30 I am at work. I am home by 5:30 and settle into my room for a night full of studying, lab reports, case studies, math tests, note taking and reading. I need to complete all of that by 10:30 so I can be prepared for class the next day.

I feel like I don’t have enough time to get this stuff done. My classes are too close together. I feel like I’m working too much, but I’m not working enough to afford much!

On top of all of that, I have a dad who is trying to hit me up for money, steal my bed out of storage and shower me with guilt. I have an aunt who is so far over the edge and she’s dragging me along with her. I don’t even want to answer my phone anymore when those two call, but I do because I’m all they have. And then there’s that guilt thing.

In addition to that, because it’s just not enough, I am faced with having to move out. Finding rent that’s affordable while working only 16 hours a week is not fun. Hopefully a potential roommate situation works out so I can cross this one off of my list. I don’t want to jinx it, so if you don’t read her blog, you won’t know unless it works out!

A million and one things are going through my mind at any moment and the amount of energy it takes for me to slow down those thoughts and focus on something is double the amount it should take. I am wearing myself out and I’m not sure how to get settled into this schedule. I’m starting my fifth week and I’m feeling more behind than ever.

I feel bad complaining because I’m sure people have it way worse than me. I know I won’t quit school. I’m determined to finish, but something needs to change. I can’t maintain this type of schedule for the next two-three years. And please don’t tell me it will get easier. If I’m struggling now with the basics, how will it be when I get into the harder courses?

Not-so-sincerely,

Jenn

P.S. Your mom.

I think the last three weeks of school have gone from good to bad really fast.

I feel like I’m working so hard to keep my head above water, but at the end of the week I’m four feet deeper than where I started. My schedule isn’t ideal. Having Chemistry, Math and Biology every day makes it difficult to absorb the information taught the day before. Just as I’m beginning to make sense of anything, a whole chapter full of new information is thrown at us.

The speed at which these classes are taught drives me nuts. They assume that after we leave their class we have nothing else on our schedules and can spend the rest of the day memorizing the periodic table or understanding why Lyme disease is a product of a tritrophic population. Leaving one class only to go straight to two others and then to work doesn’t leave me much time to figure out the rate at which Jogger #2 made it down the path. And frankly I don’t care. Who uses Algebra any way?! (Don’t answer that.)

It’s not that I’m not trying or working hard. I try and want to understand the material, but something isn’t clicking. That frustrates me. I’m usually pretty quick at picking up new things. Maybe it’s because they’re all being thrown at me at once. Maybe three Science classes and one math class wasn’t the best schedule for me. Unfortunately that’s all there is in my major. I couldn’t have chosen art, could I? Nooooope! Had to go with science!

The only class I am enjoying is Anatomy because I’m not lost. I’m not lost because I’ve had it before and I am really interested in the material. I’m in a blended course so I have three days of online lectures, notes, videos, etc. and then one day of lecture and lab. It’s difficult to keep up, but I can only imagine how much worse it would be if I had no previous experience with it.

I’m a complainer, but I hate complaining about school. I love school. I love to learn, but I feel like I’m doing very little learning. The material isn’t sticking and I’m not getting the help I need. I don’t have much extra time to spend at school to attend review labs or meet with TAs or tutors. When I do ask a TA for help, I get none! What extra time I do have is spent either at work or at home doing homework. And I can’t drop any classes because my grants are awarded only if I maintain at least 15 credit hours. Ain’t that some bull shiz?!

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m exhausted already and the semester is no where near over. I need to find a better system and figure out a way to balance my classes with work and life. I can’t spend four hours on only one subject. Before I know it it’s almost 10 p.m. and I’ve only done math work. So either I’m unprepared the next day or I’m falling asleep as I’m driving down I-90 at 6 a.m. (like today.)

Any suggestions on how to better balance/manage my time? Want to remind me that going back to school isn’t a horrible idea? Want to do my homework?

[end pity party]

“You could make my head swerve.
Used to know my every curve.
And now we meet on a street,
And I am blind. I cannot find the heart I gave to you.

Sometimes what we think we really need, we don’t.
Sometimes what we think we love, we don’t.”

Sometimes unexpected communication can spark unexpected thoughts. This weekend I found myself thinking back to where I was a year ago.

I was saying goodbye to him and Boston a year ago, only to say hello again to him in Atlanta. I spent some time reflecting on those few months and it’s become a lot easier to go back there. Sure my heart aches when I think of how in love I was. I still feel foolish for sticking around as long as I did. But I’m slowly finding peace with the situation.

The answers I’ve been waiting for? They’ve been right in front of me all along. The absence, the “I don’t knows,” and the pulling away…they’re all answers. He didn’t fight because he didn’t want to. There’s no need to question it further. He didn’t love me because he wasn’t ready to. That’s all I need to know. (Now if only I could be okay with that!)

Anyway, the point of this was to see how far I’ve come in the last six months. I’m learning how to live without him and I’m finding what it is I really want in a relationship. What do I need? What will I not tolerate?

Well for starters I will not tolerate distance. Technology will never replace a real hug. I don’t miss the anxiety and uncertainty in not knowing when I’ll see him again. I don’t want to date a phone. I really missed the spontaneity in a relationship. “Wanna hang out in 17 minutes?” “Sure.” Okay, maybe I’m not THAT spontaneous, but not having to book a flight two months in advance to see one movie with the guy is a HUGE relief. Plus less expensive. Of course, there is always another side to this. For example, I have no clue how to be in a local relationship. The distance provided me with “me” time. No one was cramping my style. There was no risk of seeing too much of each other. I’m learning how to balance all of that though. Just be patient with me.

What do I need? Above all things I need someone to have the courage to be honest with me. Don’t leave me hanging on that rope, hoping I’ll cut myself down.

We had good times and I’m very grateful for them. It wasn’t all bad and for a period in time I was at my happiest. He encouraged me and supported decisions I’ve made. He was my best friend and I’ll always be thankful for that. At times it seems like it’s getting harder to remember him as my boyfriend. I’ll never forget him. Bits and pieces of him are still with me. But sometimes when I think of him, his face is a bit blurrier than last time. Conversations are forgotten. Maybe this is letting go…

“Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss”

****

My day consisted of falling asleep on the beach, frozen sangria, and video games. (Notice I did not mention any sun burn!) I love coming home with a smile on my face and “Amber” by 311 stuck in my head. I’m not sure why that song specifically, it just reminds me of summer.

I really hate that summer is coming to an end. That means I won’t have many more days like this.