Have you seen Garden State? Do you remember that scene where Sam admits to lying?
“OK, so… so… sometimes I lie. I mean, I’m weird, man. About random stuff too, I don’t even know why I do it. It’s like… it’s like a tick, I mean sometimes I hear myself say something and think, Wow, that wasn’t even remotely true.”
Those are my words in Natalie Portman’s mouth. Okay, not really, but it’s totally something I would say because I’m weird, man. Sometimes I hear myself say the most ridiculous stuff and I can’t figure out why I’m lying. The worst is when you tell a lie, remember the lie, but don’t remember who you lied to. Not that I’d know anything about that… Anyway! I’ve decided to come clean. I’m a grown ass woman and I shouldn’t be carrying around lies from the fifth grade.
When I was a wee Jenn I was a fan of David Copperfield, the illusionist. My mom would take me to see his show when he was in Chicago and I would get so upset that he would never choose me for any of his magic tricks. I just wanted to fly with you Copperfield! Why would you crush a young girl’s dream like that? That’s just rude. Right… back to the story. I recall one night, during intermission, my mom and I went out to the merchandise table to get me some Copperfield memorabilia. I walked away with two prints that my mom probably thought I intended to frame. Oh, but I had other plans…
The next morning, before school, I had my mom forge David Copperfield’s signature on the back of one of the prints. Yes, my picture was now “autographed” by Copperfield. I was going to tell the whole fifth grade that I met David Copperfield and I was a part of one of his magic tricks. I’m not sure what was worse, the fact that my mom helped me lie or the that I thought the kids at school would actually care*. But I was SO proud. I kept his picture in my folder all day just hoping someone would ask me what I did the night before so I could whip it out** and say “I saw magic!”
I kept the picture for years before finally getting rid of it. I probably sold it on eBay for $5. Did I learn anything from this? You bet. Next time I’m forging an autograph it better be of someone who actually matters, like Neil Patrick Harris. I mean… lying is bad.
Do you have anything you’d like to get off your chest?
* They didn’t.
** There is no way to say “whip it out” without sounding pervy.
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This is why I read blogs… to feel better about myself. I remember watching that movie and that line jumped out at me too, mainly cuz I do that. Mine is a defense mechanism tho, I tend to do it if I’m feeling attacked. And I always, always, always get caught so I try to just not.
Maybe I should work on my poker face.
Ari´s last blog ..three sixty five. spring arrives.
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freeandflawed Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:51 am
Hahaha! I love how the blogosphere offers solidarity to the crazy.
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Perhaps lying is not all bad, especially if our intent is noble.
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freeandflawed Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:52 am
A part of me wants to agree with you, but I suppose in the end, any lie could blow up and get messy. I’d rather avoid the drama if I can. Of course this brings up the whole white lie vs. lie thing…
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I don’t think I actually lie all that much. Unless I’ve been lying to myself all these years. Which is distinctly possible!
Hope´s last blog ..Live Snarking the Oscars
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I can’t believe your mom was all about helping you lie. What a cool mom. When you listed the picture on Ebay did you claim it to be an autographed picture or a picture with a forged autograph?
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freeandflawed Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:53 am
She is pretty bad ass. Honestly, I’m sure I did claim to be a real autograph. I’m sorry to whoever bought it!
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Seeing how you’re admitting to your lies, question: are we friends?
phampants´s last blog ..Phampants on ChicagoNOW
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freeandflawed Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:54 am
I am a figment of your imagination Pham. This blog, our friendship, our band… all in your imagination.
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I used to have elaborate plans to lie to my cousin who always tried to one-up me when I was younger. I’d never follow through with them, though. I should have, but I didn’t.
Did I just say I should have lied? Yeah, that was me.
Kim´s last blog ..Losing Everything Else
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freeandflawed Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:54 am
But you didn’t! That’s the most important part
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Holy fucking fuck fuck we are twins from another mother and I have to stop talking to you because I swear to God you are stealing my childhood, my neuroses, my everything and it must stop because I am so freaked out right now. I am not even going to tell you how many times I saw David Copperfield specials on TV or how many times I saw his LIVE shows.
Whew, ok, I’m ok. I’ve taken a breath.
It’s ok that we are basically clones. Really.
Alex´s last blog ..pixie658: And actually I can’t really talk about what I’m doing over there… so… yeah… that is like… a summary.
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freeandflawed Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:55 am
This is still my favorite comment! I can’t even think of a good response because it’s just too awesome and completely true.
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Um, this just killed me. I can sort of picture it too, which is even better.
Ali´s last blog ..Just Another Oscar Post
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freeandflawed Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:56 am
I hope what you’re picturing matches what’s in my head because it’s hilarious. I was SO proud of myself it was ridiculous.
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8th grade. I failed to read a book for my Lit class. We were supposed to give our book reports to our parents and they would grade us. That would be our final grade. I forged my mom’s signature and gave myself a “B”. The day after turning in my report, I felt so guilty I confessed to my teacher. She simply said, “Ok, do it again and turn it into me tomorrow.” No yelling, no “F”, nothing. Astonished, I went home to my mom and told her about the project due the next day. Of course she was more than thrilled to listen to me speak about the book. I still hadn’t read the book…at all. Therefore, to cover up this lie, I had to lie to my mother and create an elaborate story for 30 minutes. Thoroughly impressed with this story’s “story” she happily gave me an “A”. I turned that in and received my “A”. To this day, I don’t know why I received no punishment from my teacher for forging my mother’s signature. As far as I know, my mother has no idea I duped her either. There are so many things wrong with that story.
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freeandflawed Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:57 am
I… I’m impressed. Kudos to you!
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Oh my god that’s sweet and hilarious. I also went to see David Copperfield in Milwaukee and got a real autograph. I never thought about trying to sell it though. NPH would get totes more.
Jessica´s last blog ..Oscar fashion hits and misses
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freeandflawed Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:58 am
Pfft… the real one’s got nothin’ on my fake one
I would be murdered for NPH’s autograph.
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Did you fess up to the forgery on ebay? Baaaaaaaaaaad Jenn.
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freeandflawed Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:58 am
I can’t say that I did.
I’m going to magician hell.
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As a kid, I lied ALL THE TIME about the stupidest shit. I try not to do it now, but I think few people can say 100% that they never, ever lie.
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For one, I kept telling everyone that I wasn’t going to blog ever again, and yet, here I am. That should count. Also, I once overslept and missed a really important meeting, and told the jobby job that the train had been late. When in fact, it probably wasn’t late, it was just me snoozing for too long.
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I had my first real hypomanic/manic episode when I was in Junior High, coincidentally on a day of which I was invited to a party. There was no alcohol involved or any nonsense. This was Jr. high after all. I ended up swinging from the I-beam in the basement and kicking some kid in the chest with both feet. He fell backward and landed on the floor. I then fought off his friends. Then I retreated and hid under the ping-pong table for pretty much the rest of the party.
Of course rumors started that I was insane and fought 4 people at the same time but my friends wondered why my behavior was so strange. I lied and told them I had a migraine before the party and took 3 pills with codeine. I then continued that lie and had them all believing that I was abusing my migraine medicine… which did happen later, but at the time it was all a big lie.
But then again, how could I have explained irrational behavior like that? Oh – and the next day I had this academic competition, was still manic, finished the test (which was unexpected) and our school got 3rd place. My score was apparently pretty high. Then I went back to normal. Sucking at life slowly.
Justin (Oats) ´s last blog .."O Face"
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My thing is I lie about stupid things, like how much something cost, or where I’ve been or especially at work a customer will ask me how my day was and rather than saying well i’ve been at work all day I’ll lie to make it interesting.
My mum was pretty kickarse like that. She’d lie for me. I was pretty ace at lying to my school and saying I was sick, and most of the time she’d go along with it. Although she never went to far as to forge someones signature.
Toni-Marie´s last blog ..Educate Me: All Things Girly…
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I used to do that ALL THE TIME when I was bartending. It worked out fine until someone became a regular, and found out I wasn’t actually British.
What?
LiLu´s last blog ..So Basically, I Almost Died Yesterday.
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