I’m not a big fan of those carts in the middle of the mall. You know the kind. They’re always selling some type of weird flying helicopter, massage product or hand/hair product that’s going to make your life ten times more amazing than what it is. I try to avoid them just as I avoid those people on the street (listen, I can’t afford to save the trees, children, polar bears and ozone layer okay?)
Anyway, normally I avoid them, but today I’m going to help them out a bit by sharing some advice. If you’re going to hire someone to be the most hated salesperson in the entire mall, make sure they speak English.
I’m wandering around this mall that must have been built to confuse Chicagoans when I notice I’m in between two sales people and their carts. Oh crap! Okay… breathe. Maybe they didn’t notice you. Frack! They did. So as I prepare to be attacked and fought over like a gazelle in the lion’s den, I find comfort in the fact that I mentally checked out yesterday. All I hear is lalalalala. The conversation ensues:
Sales Guy: Hello (awkward pause) Question?
Me: (Is he asking if I have one or if he can ask one?) Yeaaaaaah?
Sales Guy: Give me your hand. (Pretty sure I’ve seen Lifetime movies & CSI episodes that started off like this)
Me: (Confident that I have my pepper spray I rely on my humor to save my life) In marriage? No thanks.
Sales Guy: Can see hand?
Me: My hand? Uh, why?
Sales Guy: I can help. You can test.
Me: Uh… what? (So I show him my jazz hands because they’re beautiful)
Sales Guy: Test?
As I walked away, I couldn’t help but think about the confused look on the poor guy’s face. I’m not sure which one of us was more confused actually. Did I just provide some in-mall hand porn for a stranger with a fetish? I don’t think either of us knew what he was trying to sell. Sorry guy! Maybe try something along the lines of restocking shelves or customer service.
P.S. This is for department stores. I realize that the holidays are on everyone’s mind right now, but I hope you do know that the constant stream of Christmas music will only make me hate Christmas and your store by the time December gets here. Seriously. I will be knocking down your Christmas trees by December 24th. Fear my jazz hands!
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m so going to use this line in the future, “listen, I can’t afford to save the trees, children, polar bears and ozone layer okay?”
phampants´s last blog ..Life is Beautiful
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Jenn Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 9:46 am
Use it in good health my friend. Or something like that…
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I just say no. Sometimes no thank you. And I keep walking. I do not like the kiosk people.
The Maiden Metallurgist´s last blog ..Have a great weekend!
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Jenn Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 9:46 am
I’m sucked in way too often. I blame it on the fact that I’m never really paying much attention while walking. That’s a problem actually. How have I not tripped more?
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oh kiosk people, why do you continue to breed? im convinced that these people are specially grown for their annoyance characteristics. im such a bad person; i pretend to be hearing impaired whenever i pass them. and i do most of my shopping online
Michelle´s last blog ..my soundtrack?
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Jenn Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 9:47 am
That’s… kind of awesome. Sometimes I’ll pull out my cell phone and pretend that I’m talking to someone.
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I passed one of these this weekend where the lady was shoving what looked like mini-shot glasses full of goo into everyone’s hands without even asking if they wanted it. I pushed her hand right back to her (in a fierce jazz hand type move). Jazz hands = lethal.
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Jenn Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 9:47 am
“Jazz hands = lethal”
I love it.
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I’m pretty sure kiosk guy was asking you to marry him.
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Jenn Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 9:48 am
I think I may have turned him down. Either that or I agreed to some elaborate ceremony including a table, a goat and a broom. Hm…
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I hate that when you make eye contact and now you have to magically look away or distract them. I smile and keep walking or say a polite no thank you. They can’t corner you then.
Jessica´s last blog ..PMS cravings
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Jenn Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 9:48 am
I’m surprised no one has made a horror movie about these guys.
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Seriously, those people at the kiosks drive me frickin’ crazy! It usually starts out with, “Excuse me. Can I ask you a question?” Annoying!
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Jenn Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 9:49 am
No. You can’t ask me a question.
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I almost got a job at a kiosk.
Then I came to my senses.
Oh. Christmas music? Yeah. I don’t like it. I’m going to hate it even more soon. We’re required to play Christmas music at work every day from the day after Thanksgiving until Christmas. (Or, Christmas eve since we’re closed on Christmas.) I imagine I’ll start twitching by the 2nd day.
Erini´s last blog ..Aural-gasm: My Gold Mask giveaway.
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Jenn Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 9:49 am
I’m glad you didn’t. You’d be my sworn enemy.
Also, I can handle Christmas music AFTER Thanksgiving. That’s when it’s supposed to start. NOT November 1st. Grr…
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