Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
Does anyone have any clever tricks on how to move on? After a bit of masochistic unpacking I’ve realized it’s been a year since the big BU (break up). A year! And (like I said in THIS post) while the details of his face faded a bit more each passing month, the wound still feels so raw.
I accidentally stirred up memories last weekend and now I’m purposely digging for them. All photos from visits are stored on another computer. I’ve checked archived emails on old and new accounts – everything’s gone, except for a thread of a few I’ve sent. Embarrassingly I opened it to look for a thread leading up to that sent message. And there it was, June 2008. Wait what? I completely forgotten that we had spoken last summer.
I’ve never been so tempted to contact him. And I know I shouldn’t. I sent him a text a while back, which remains unanswered. That’s probably for the best. But holy crap people…I feel like one of those annoying girls who remain wrapped up in the past. I did the healthy thing. I went through the whirlwind of emotions one experiences during a break up. I’m a deep breath and a heartbeat away from sending an email.
How do you avoid contacting your exes?
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One ex ago? I avoid contacting him because I remember why we broke up in the first place. It was hard at first because we had been together for soooooo long.
Two ex’s ago…I contacted him off and on for almost 2 years after we broke up. Even after he had changed his phone number so to never hear from me again — the girl who broke his heart. I finally had to remember that he would never forget me for breaking up with him….
Mels last blog post..helloooooo lover….
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The only way I’ve been able to keep from contacting an ex (be it a friend or otherwise) is by sheer will. I do have photos and documents “hidden” but at times, I go back and look at them and get nostalgic for those times. Even though it’s been many years, I still go there from time to time.
emilys last blog post..wait, what?
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I’m the last one who should be giving you tips on how to avoid contacting ex’s because I (used) to do it all the time. In fact, for over two years every 3-4 months I would send my ex emails. They remain unanswered.
When you’re quiting smoking, they tell you to distract yourself every time you have an urge to smoke. Writing about your urge, telling a friend, watching a movie, going out for a walk.
I have used all of these to resist the urges I used to have to contact my ex. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t. But the important thing to do is to know that this want to contact him will at some point pass.
I promise.
Hiopes last blog post..Easy/Hard
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My ex contacts me because he still feels guilty about how he treated me. I don’t avoid that contact because i don’t care enough about him for it to bother me any more. If you still have feelings of love/guilt then keep deleting until there’s nothing left to pull you back in. You’ve spent the last year being so busy maybe you haven’t got over it because you haven’t allowed yourself to think about it regularly until the pain lessens?
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I have a system with a friend that is going through something very similiar to you. She will text me when she is getting the urge to contact him and then I talk her out of it, I even ( sneaky) gave my name to his phone number in her phone…so if she slipped she called me instead:)
Lady Janes last blog post..Confession Friday…vol.3
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Ooooh I like Lady Jane’s idea. You can have a group of friends that you can text/call/gchat/email/go to Ikea with when you get your urge. I know that I would be willing to be on your rescue team
Rachel M.s last blog post..Hi! my name is Debbie Downer
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Dude, I’m gonna try and keep this brief but it may be difficult because I understand and I tend to be pretty verbose on this subject.
First, I finally deleted his number on my phone and removed him from the facebook friend list. For some reason, it’s very hard to do because you know for a fact you won’t be able to call again…but when I did it I knew that it was good for both of us. We were pretty toxic to each other. So whether it’s just for you or him as well, it stings a little and then it felt like a huge wave of relief (like a bandaid).
Second, I focused on ME. I know this doesn’t apply to everyone and I wouldn’t want to imply that this is what happened in your case, it’s just what happened to me. When he and I were together I lost a lot of who I was in the relationship so there was a lot of me to get back to. Focusing on all the things I loved about myself and even trying to improve the things I wasn’t so proud of made me feel good and I started thinking about him less and less. It was like dating myself for awhile, which I fully recommend as long as you don’t go too crazy with it.
Finally, I’m a firm believer that more often that not, it takes the next person coming along to fully put the last relationship in it’s place – the past. I needed the time to myself, but when making dating references all I had was my last experience…so I needed G to come along. Because of the time I spent with myself I was able to be open to him, knowing that I didn’t NEED him but that he was amazing and my best friend so I wanted him to stick around. And together we’ve been able to work out some hang-ups (some of which we’re still working on) that inevitably come from that baggage you carry around (which everyone has, I don’t care who you are).
Anyway, sorry for the book and I know some of it is probably irrelevant to what you are going through, but I found that others sharing their experiences with me, relevant or not, always gave me something I could use. It took me about a year after the “official” breakup to really take these steps, sometimes the healing process is slow…and it sucks…really sucks.
Alexiss last blog post..Tagged
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i was tangled up pretty well with the last ex, but he screwed up a lot in the end and being mad makes it a bit easier. here’s what i did to get over him because i knew i would never be happy if we got back together. first, i got rid of everything in the house that made me miss him. i still have a few things he gave me that i really like, but i don’t feel anything when i look at them. then, i deleted him off my internets. all the old emails, txts, voicemails, unadded on facebook & myspace, deleted photos of us on those accounts, took him off my aim. i decided it would be easier the less i was reminded of him. my friends weren’t allowed to bring him up. i sent 1 sentence replies to his emails. i also wrote letters to myself, which sounds a little crazy, but i didn’t have that constant source of encouragement and compliments, so i had to tell myself those things. it worked – i don’t need someone when i can take care of myself. and then – best part – find some new dudes. because when i’m hanging out with someone else, 99 percent of the time i’m not thinking of him. it’s been two months and i’m feeling like myself again. sometimes it takes forever, but you will move on and find someone better. you are a strong girl, you deserve it!
Sarahs last blog post..Puppy!
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I’m not best placed to advise on this one since the majority of my exes still work in the same building as me! So I suppose the lesson there is not to get involved with someone you work with because contact is virtually unavoidable!
Paulas last blog post..IT’S ALMOST HERE!!!
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Hey Jenn, I remember I started reading your blog just about a year ago as well. I had broken up with my bf Jamisen at around the same time, and I remember reading your posts about your breakup. I think about the same things pretty often, too. I can’t believe it’s been a year since Jamisen and I broke up. I still miss him a whole lot. And I wonder if I should tell him that I miss him. It still sucks sometimes, but I do know that it’s getting a lot easier to deal with.
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to be blunt: i don’t…
i did when our cat died a little over a yr after we split up, i thought he should know. that lead him to contact me earlier this year when he found out i was going on vacation and requested to keep our other cat while me and my fiance went to florida for a week. that was nice of him. but honestly, after our 10 year realtionship… i am over him. and we don’t speak.
2 yrs after our break up i met my fiance and we’ve been together for 2 yrs ourselves. that’s 4 years. i don’t have overwhelming emotions anymore. not even from little things that i’ve kept and have accidentally ran into.
you, my friend, has only been a year. that is normal. take a deep breath, pack the stuff away… put in in a different box and tuck it away out of sight.
but i have been where you are and it is hard… the 1st year -2 yrs after a breakup that its been a really long relationship.. it can be hard. they say it takes 1 month for every year you were together to fully get over and recover. i don’t know if its true, but it seems to be the norm or average.
blaezs last blog post..guess where i’m going today…
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I delete. Delete e-mails, delete text messages, oh, and delete phone numbers. It helps prevent an ill-advised e-mail or phone call. Then, I pack everything away in another box and store it somewhere I never go. I did this with my last serious ex. After a couple years, I was able to go back through the stuff I’d packed away and simply throw it out.
You will get past it. It just takes time. And the delete button
A Super Girls last blog post..Only a month late
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don’t get rid of it as much as you want to delete all the memories and burn all your shit together, don’t do it. you’ll want it later. regardless of how much it hurts, it is a chapter in your life.
as far as not contacting, lord. if i knew how to stop doing it. i wouldn’t be in this two year long pickle. you’ve made the year mark, ive made the two years mark. fianlly it is getting better, but he’s still the first thing i think of in the morning and last thing before i sleep. and it won’t change until there is someone in my life who is as important as he was.
wait until there has been enough time to look back at it and smile. if you’re not smiling, you shouldnt be calling/txting/emailing.
bodelous last blog post..its too beautiful outside to go to sleep.
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I’m hardly one to be shelling out advice (finally getting over the ex a lot longer than it “should take) but first off don’t feel guilty for missing him and try to stop putting a timeline on your mourning period. You can’t control either and nostalgia can be good as long as it doesn’t overshadow reality.
As far as contacting him; before you do so ask yourself what you hope to get out of it, and will it be worth it no matter the reaction? If so, go on.
Good luck
Meghans last blog post..My Mouth is My Weapon and I’m All Outta Ammo.
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I generally break up and we remain on good terms giving each other time to heal from the emotional trauma or break up with so much anger and fury, all I have to do is remember one thing that happened that made me so angry that I never feel like contacting them. Is it possible you are longing for the “elements” of the relationship you shared and not him specifically?
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I think the only way to NOT is to just not. I know it sounds so much easier than it is, but you have to push through the tempting moments. Especially since he didn’t answer the text you sent him.
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Try deleting his number from your phone. It’s amazing how quickly you’ll forget the actual digits and not be able to contact him. Nor accidentally see his name as you’re scrolling for someone else’s.
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i wish there were clear, definitive answers for this question but i think it’s different for everyone. i try really hard to stay busy. literally plan out my days/weeks etc. so there is hardly any free time to think about it at all. but clearly nearly a year and a half later, this still is not 100% foolproof. i think about him once in awhile and it stings. i don’t know if it will ever really go away until i really, truly move on and fall in love with someone new.
i feel for you jenn and know how hard it is.
Michelle & the Citys last blog post..What’s Your Beef Wednesday :: The Blogging/Social Media Edition
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I went through this almost two years ago. And it’s tough. It really is. I did two things to keep me from contacting him. One, I worked out with a friend (a really close one) every time I wanted to contact him, I would just email her with everything I had to say to him. She would then respond with support, and it made it so much better.
Second, I agree with La Petite Belle… when you want to, you just have… have to force yourself to do something else. Like every time I wanted to message him, were I at home, I would watch an episode of the Office instead, or something like that.
I hope that helps. <3
Beauty of Arguments last blog post..Sunday Tidbits
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From the sounds of it, you are doing a good job if it has been almost a year since you last spoke. I think if you contact him, it will just rip open the wounds and force you to start the healing process all over again.
My only suggestion to you is think long and hard about what exactly it is that you want to get from contacting him. Just doing it for the rush of hearing his voice is not a good reason… but if you think it over and decide it is really what you want–do it. Just be prepared for the wave of emotions that will follow. Good luck. <3
Mermandas last blog post..Pretty Please With Two Birdies On Top
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So not the girl to ask, as my method would be finding a guy to distract me. And some vodka. And actually, I would probably pursue #2 with an eye roving for #1. Sounds fun, huh?
Hang in there.
verybadcats last blog post..Wildflowers
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“How do you avoid contacting your exes?”
Restraining orders prevent me from attempting.
Just kidding. Time… time… time… is the only thing that gets you over people.
Matts last blog post..I tried to make this post gender neutral
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Take everyone’s advice as to deleting ways to contact him, etc. The truth is, it comes down to will power. Distract yourself, fill your time with other things. Blogging is good – even if you don’t publish everything you write you can just type out your feelings instead of spilling them to him. Good luck!
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Thankfully I’m an egomaniac and expect them to contact me. And if they don’t, then I’ll refuse to contact them out of spite.
(I’m kidding. Mostly.)
Peters last blog post..You know it’s time that we grow old and do some shit
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I don’t avoid it. I talk to them all the time. Invariably, they will do enough dumb things to knock them off the pedestal I’ve put them on, and we can keep on bring friends.
Joy @ Big Time Fancys last blog post..Madras
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ugh. You know what I think about? I think about how mortified I would be if I called or texted and the first thing he said back was “I have a new girlfriend. And she is nothing like we were. I really love her.”
There is nothing more terrifying than, “Hi, I’m not over you” and the response is “I am, and she is better.”
Want to know how I know? Been there. Done that.
He is an awesome guy, you are an awesome girl- and you are probably both more awesome for having known each other.
Keep your dignity and the old photos.
You will appreciate the fact that you have both later.
busy pretendings last blog post..ignoring you, ignoring me
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I was never able to. The ones I still liked after a break up I (masochistically) kept in touch with. The evil ones I learned how to avoid.
Laurens last blog post..Book Review: The Time Traveler’s Wife
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Love the song reference!
Anywhoo– I’m going to agree with everyone in that deletion is the best thing to do. It’s tough, I know. I’m still getting over an ex, and found myself wanting to call him just last week (we’ve been broken up for almost a year). Living in a different time zone definitely helped me with my restraint.
Goodluck, and keep your chin up!!
Amandas last blog post..Pants on Fire
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Buy a TASER. When tempted to contact ex-lover, TASE self.
I promise, ill-advised contact will be reduced to naught.
Mr. Aprons last blog post..This Deadened Soul
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i think it’s important to try and see what it would look like from his point of view if you were to contact him. i feel like it would communicate to him that you still haven’t fully moved on and that you still think of him, that there is still a need for you to feel that you are important to him. and even if that IS true right now, he doesn’t need to know it. he doesn’t get to have the power or the satisfaction of knowing that someone out there is still thinking of him.
YOU get to have the power in this situation, and you are the only one who can empower yourself. even if you have weak moments, the fact that you choose not to contact him will empower you and get you closer to where you need to go.
there is so much more in the world for you to experience, and once you are in a situation that is even greater than what you had with him, you’ll be glad you didn’t dwell on him for a second longer than you needed to. i promise.
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Honestly? I just remind myself how embarrassed I’d be if I tried to contact him and he was an ass just like he ALWAYS is. That’s the only thing that can keep me away.
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