I’m saying something that I should have never thought of

Dec

4

Filed In: Personal, Uncategorized

Holy self-sabotage Batbloggers!

I’m pretty sure that subconsciously I’m trying to kill myself.

Exhibit A: I believed I could manage a course load involving Biology (Ecology to be exact – who needs that?!), Chemistry, Anatomy & Physiology and Math. Even having passed one class and dropping the other, I’m still struggling. In addition to this I work two jobs. I work at school and study at work (Thank you live lectures!) The lines are blurred at this point. Today, in exactly two hours and 15 minutes I will be taking my anatomy lab final. If I don’t pass this, I can kiss Anatomy II goodbye – even though I’ve already taken it and passed it with an A. I’m failing at things I should be excelling at. And admitting that…acknowledging the failure…is one of the most difficult things I’ve done.

Exhibit B: In addition to school and work I sign up for extracurricular events including Gals Guide events (Banana Republic & Crave Party) as well as Windy City Social. Not only do I sign up for them, I do it during finals week. I also signed up for a scarf swap and holiday treat swap. I don’t even remember signing up for the latter!

Exhibit C: I spend most of my free time completely lost in a series of books that not only create unrealistic expectations, but they make it so easy to question every relationship. Thank you Stephenie Meyer for creating a character so flawed that he’s almost perfect. This does not exist and I’m mad at you for telling me it does. I don’t want perfect.

Exhibit D: I am forgetting important things! I forgot about a paper due. I tried to turn it in late after my TA showed me a glimmer of hope only to be crushed Monday after finding out she didn’t grade it. I am now failing (a class I’ve already had) by 20 points. That paper? Yeah, it was worth 20 points.

Exhibit E: I’m wallowing. Not only am I wallowing, but once I realize that I am wallowing, I immediately snap out of it completely ignoring the root of all of the wallowing. How healthy is that? I’m pretty sure my therapist should un-move himself and get back to Chicago. His break-up really inconvenienced me.

Exhibit F: What should be causing me to jump up and down with glee and scream “Super Eff Yeah!” at the top of my lungs…isn’t. I can’t tell the difference between being scared and being wrong. Why am I pulling away? I believe I’ve reserved the role of “the fuser” in past relationships. So what the eff’in eff head? Heart? Anyone? Bueller?

Exhibit G: I don’t talk about any of it. I had a mini-breakdown Monday night with the roommate, but aside from that I’ve been holding everything in. I don’t necessarily need to verbalize it, but I should write it. It needs to get out, even if it’s never heard/read. But I don’t. Am I avoiding it? If I don’t write it does it mean it’s not true?

Exhibit H: My diet consists of Pop-Tarts, cheese balls, the occasional piece of chicken or steak and granola bars. I haven’t been to the gym in months. My bed is uncomfortable and I choose to sleep there because I’m too much of a chicken to fight my dad for my old one. I have a migraine a week. My body is one step away closing down shop and taking a vacation. How that would work, I don’t know.

Exhibit I: I’m a financial mess. With a second job under my belt I figured I’d be safe to move out. Having an extra income was the deciding factor. Well that extra income has yet to hit my checking account, let alone my mailbox. In the last week I’ve paid over $1,000 on rent, car payment, massage therapy insurance, towing fees and other miscellaneous bills. THAT was NOT fun. My savings account is a mess, my checking account is pathetic and I’ve had to tap into my money market more than I would have liked to.

At this point, I’d much rather do absolutely nothing than confront everything. And that’s not me. So that’s why I’m convinced my subconscious is trying to kill me.

What’s stressing you out?

You can thank Paramore for that title.

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Jenn, Jenn, Jenn, this is what you blog about. If you can’t tell people you know, you can always tells us.

It sounds like the main thing you need to do is take a break over Xmas, even if it’s just a long weekend and don’t study/work/stress about anything. I know it’s hard, especially when you need the money but it’s necessary or you will crack up.

Talk to the man friend about how stressed you are, even if you don’t want to be specific, and ask for some leeway.

As for what’s stressing me out, well i need to spend about $4000 on a new damp course for my house which will, in turn, necessitate me getting a new kitchen for probably around $2500 and i’ve got about $5000 saved with which to do it (see how i converted to dollars there, go me). The reason for this…well my walls are wet and mould is coming through, so it’s not really something i can put off doing

love you x

*hug*

Matts last blog post..Cough. Cough. Sneeze.

Eek! You deserve a vacation like whoa. Sorry you’re super stressed, I totally feel you on some of those areas (SCHOOL). At least the semester will be over soon and hopefully you can take a little time to relax over the break. Or at least treat yourself to something nice to destress.

Arielles last blog post..Kissing people on the cheek is (sometimes) AWKWARD!

i’ve been having a hard time lately as well, and it’s so hard for me to just verbalize and put it all out there. so, i can understand. and i will also be here to listen (or, er, read) whenever you need to vent.

thatShortChicks last blog post..No on 8: The Musical

Jenn, I’m with Liz, this is what you blog about. We are here for you good times and bad. You have a huge load weighing on you right now. Be gentle with yourself and lighten the load where you can. With the man friend, have a heart to heart and see what can be worked out. Maybe a little breathing room would be helpful, not break up, breathing room. As for the money situation, is it possible for you to pick up extra massage money? Maybe an outcall or two instead of a job that’s not paying so well? Hopefully things look brighter for you soon. HUGS

(Love Paramore!)

Vanessas last blog post..What are people teaching their kids anyway?

Firstly, I love that you just said “holy selfsabotage batbloggers!” I say things like that all the time.

I am stressed out about Christmas, and the scheduling that goes along with the holiday, and all the ten million things that I have to do before Christmas.

Dutchess of Kickballs last blog post..No Longer Single

Being a grown-up or almost grown-up is lame. Trying to figure out the new rules to the new game is worse. We’re all stumbling through it as best we can so that’s all you can ask of yourself!

Bens last blog post..Mom vs. Puppy

Wow. You’ve got a crazy full plate there, sweetie! I would say that something’s got to give, and my first guess would be taking fewer classes? I can’t even fathom having gotten this far with all of your classes, plus two jobs. You’re nuts! Life is not a race, and if you’re so stressed out that you can’t stop to enjoy it, what’s the point?

From the sounds of your previous blogs, it seems like your man friend would be more than open to listening to what reservations or fears or hold ups you’re having, if that’s the case. Talk to him. And then go with your gut. If it’s not right, it’s not right. But think about what it would be like for you without him first, and see if you could be ok with him not being around.

And also? A comfy, restful place to sleep is paramount. Get your bed back.

Good luck getting to winter break!

adrianas last blog post..Christmas present developments.

Oh dear. I’m with Adriana about getting your bed back. A good night’s sleep will help put everything in perspective. Even though I argued with him when he said it (maybe only internally but still..), my uncle was right when he told me to take things one step at a time. It’s my advice to you.

If it makes you feel any better, my credit card is higher than I want it to be and I’m not sure where my next job will come from. Eeek. Everything will get better. It has to.

Bridgets last blog post..Baby b—- … Not for the weak

Has someone been listening to the Twilight soundtrack?

You’re probably not looking for advice, and I don’t really have any to offer. I keep adding more and more to my plate, because I have stupidly high expectations of myself, and I want to take care of everything all on my own. But, I’ve really been testing my boundaries, and it’s an exhausting thing to keep up. The thought that I might one of these days fall completely on my face or fail is haunting me, but I don’t want to face it.

Ashleys last blog post..ABOUT THAT NOVEL I WAS WRITING

I’m sorry you’re a stress ball. That’s no fun. So, I won’t tell you that I think there are some commitments you should drop. Because then you might bite my head off and that would suck.

What stresses me out these days? My credit card bills. NOT paying for a wedding is damn expensive.

Nilsas last blog post..Letters

Okay, I’m going to give you a Mama order.

Go to the store and buy;
Hot chocolate mix
A special cup to drink said chocolate in
A DVD of a movie that you have always been wanting to watch but never got around to it because you were so busy
A pair of ridiculous looking slippers/socks

Now go home and put this kit to good use.

That’s an order missy!!!!

Rachel M.s last blog post..Have you helped a Gay today?

My work is stressing me out. Basically I work in an team of five in my job and I’m the only girl – one bloke (my boss) is my ex (who used to be one of my best friends), one is one of my best friends, one is my OTHER ex’s old flatmate and the other is a total brown-noser who gets treated like a king by my ex/boss despite the fact me and him both started on the same day. I basically get treated like crap cos my ex seems to hate me for some reason and I seem to have too much history with the LOT of them to just brush all the crap off. That’s pretty much the only thing that’s stressing me out.

And after reading this post, I’m a little relieved about that. And I feel bad for you. Hope things are a bit less stressed out soon!

Paulas last blog post..ICE ICE BABY . . .

You, my friend, need a break. You also need to remember you’re not super woman. You can’t do EVERYTHING. Don’t take on everything that comes your way or that you think of. Take a break from everything that is not necessary right now. Like really really necessary.

Money and boy issues are stressing me out right now.

Jamies last blog post..the one with the blue puppy in the snow

Deep Breath. Believe it or not it could be worse. Way way worse. That’s what I tell myself before I explode. For what it’s worth, I got my letter from the Universe this morning and it made me feel better. Do you think they sent me yours on accident.

It said,
“The more you take on, the more time you will have to get it all done.” Or something like that.

Keep your chin up. I have so much faith in you.

Sara Janes last blog post..Q&A Part 4: Life in Queen City

ha! i was going to say:
“you, of you, you’re pushing and pulling me down! to you!”
but then you pointed out it was paramore, so i couldnt act like i just knew from the title… ugh i LOVE their songs on the soundtrack.

um, i’m stressing cause i’m also pretty much broke [from being responsible in paying off my WHOLE credit card bill every month...doesn't work so well when it's $1500-$2300 a month...] and going on a cruise next FRIDAY [thank god i get paid the day we leave!] and so many other busy things!

anyway, i hope you start feeling/doing better!!!

Amys last blog post..giveaways!

aw jenn you deserve a vacation. like tomorrow! i can’t even imagine how you are handling it all, seriously you are my hero.

katelins last blog post..Just call me Jessie Spano…without the pills.

Jenn, I know this advice is unsolicited, but like several other commentors have said, you need to pare down what you’re doing. It may be hard to pick something to put to the side, but you’ve got to do it for you. Pick a couple of things that either you need or really want and revisit the rest later (or never) so that you can enjoy what you’re doing and excel. It’s OK not to do it all.

I’m sure the Universe would tell you the same thing. You’re an awesome, smart gal and you don’t deserve to feel so overwhelmed by life.

The Modern Gals last blog post..Why we love Paul Rudd

This is why I barely made it through school.

chriss last blog post..sign of the times

Oh hun hang in there! I’ve definitely been there when I was in school… finances were a mess, I was working 3 jobs (Internship, Asst. Director of my dorm, and working at the school bookstore), plus a full workload. It sucks!! I hope it gets better for you soon.

And I think you should ask your dad for your bed. I think that’ll help you a lot. (having a comfier bed that is!)

Lacey Beans last blog post..Nightmare Before Christmas

Corporate day job + starting a new business + helping others with their business + taking a writing class + writing a book + figuring out a new product idea + husband = stressing me out!

All week i’ve been stressed out b/c I had an assignment at work that was SIX MONTHS past due. I finished it today. Woooosh.

Maxies last blog post..Sick Day.

We started paying rent on a new condo on Dec 1st. Walked in to find a hole in the outside wall where there was a missing A/C unit, dirt everywhere, no working hot water, and 2 drains that didn’t drain. We said “let us out of the lease” and canceled our rent check. They said “what the hell is your problem, the unit is fine, we’re going to sue you for all 12 months of rent.” It has been an awful few days. I just want to crawl in a hole and disappear. But through it I’ve become even more grateful for a fantastic husband, great co-workers, and parents who always come to the rescue.

Tias last blog post.."I think this is my favorite day of my whole life"

What stresses me out:

- Living a double life- being wined and dined at company events when I can barely keep the lights on at home.

- Being successful and well received at work, which leads to more responsibility and perpetuates my basic fear that I will be discovered as a dumbass.

- It now appears my boss is such an ass so that I will sleep with him, so he’ll treat me better. Not going to happen.

-Applying for classes for Spring term while I’m still waiting to be accepted to the company’s tuition reimbursement program, and knowing that it is my only hope of getting a degree and funds are limited.

- Trying to balance the demands of my job with the demands of my marriage.

- Not going on a killing rampage, since the above keeps me from having barely any time to myself.

- knowing that I should have called about my car on Monday, but I haven’t had time.

-Being on Mountain time out here in the desert all week while trying to manage a direct report, a household and a husband on Eastern time.

- Knowing that when I get home tomorrow, all my clothes and my house will be dirty, and R’s birthday party is Saturday.

I guess that covers it for now.

I know how you feel. I know that sounds trite, but I’m serious- I’ve bottled it up and bottled it up, but I’m not right and will be going back on the Zoloft and the Xanax once I have health insurance in January. Because I can’t go on not taking care of myself and not dealing with things. Just can’t.

Hang in there, girl. I’m here for you, if an email rant would help.

verybadcats last blog post..Paranoia, Thy Name is VeryBadCat

I took a trip to visit a boy and it’s become totally obvious that we’re just friends and nothing more. Sigh. Now, I just feel silly and still sort of stressed about it. And really annoyed at myself for reading signals wrong.

e.s last blog post..Over & Out

Why is it that the stress is always soo bad this time of year?!

Lets see, what’s stressing me out:
1) Corporate Law final…turns out I really know absolutely nothing about business. Kinda a problem
2) Thesis: I hate it. It hates me.
3) Internship. Fortunately it’s almost over
4) Family stuff…but that’s a constant
5) Answering a million questions about my wedding that I’ve had 0 time to work on

Good luck with everything. You can do it! And if you need a pick me up, have the roomie tell you one of our crazy stories. It’s usually a good pick me up. And when I come over I’ll bring lots of baked goodies.

Biancas last blog post..going home for the holidays

Oh no! You’re going to get shingles if you’re not careful! School is the worst.

Lisas last blog post..Five sisters

You’ve got a lot on your plate, lady. I can’t say I’ve ever been in your shoes, but knowing you’ve got so much to get done before ____ is never a good feeling.

Keep your head up. I know it’s near impossible, but soon enough, the semester will end. Things have to start looking up soon. And if not, you know we’re all here to listen and offer to help with whatever. *hugs*

aw poor thing

stressing me out? what isn’t is a better question…

What’s stressing me out?
Ummm… if I try to list it I’ll be even more stressed out but I think it goes something like schoolworkschoolworkmyroomisamessidon’thavetimetocleanit.

I totally feel you girl…I am completely stressed out lately too. When I try to be the best student, wife, employee, friend, daighter, sister, etc…it usually means I am the worst at all of the above.

hang in there!

Rays last blog post..ELFED!

wow girl something has gotta give..your insane No one could do everything you are doing and remain sane…sheesh you made me tired reading what you do.

Hannah Graces last blog post..A humble baby..a self indulging christmas?

Wow. I don’t know how you wouldn’t be stressed. That is way too much stuff for one person to be dealing with. Take a breather if you can. Hugs.

Mermandas last blog post..The very first thing to be crossed off my list…

I think youre having the same dilema like 10294102947120 college students….well maybe not that much, but pretty close

Not So Nobles last blog post..Work,work,work

Girl, you need to cut everything in half — except work, so you can get your finances back where you want them. Bad finances in addition to all of this will head you in depression (and I don’t just mean the economical one, sweetie).

Eat some protein — every day! Drink at least 4 glasses (10z) every day — no matter what else you are also drinking.

And then you must NEVER DO THIS AGAIN!