In my 24 years of life I’ve managed to acquire a plethora of knowledge and smarts. I realized recently that I’ve been too selfish with my smarts. I’ve been hoarding them and not sharing any of them with you. Today that all changes. You might want to sit down because I’m about to share some of my infinite wisdom with you. Today’s topic is:
How to fail at school: A step-by-step guide to making sure you suck.
Step 1 – Make sure your schedule is Science-heavy. Have an English or art class in there? Get rid of it! You don’t need it! You might want to throw in a class you’ve never taken before so you can dive right into the unknown and waste a couple thousand doing it.
Step 2 – When scheduling said Science courses, be sure that you don’t give yourself enough time between classes for anything. This goes for the time immediately between classes on that day as well as the days of the week. If you have biology, math and chemistry all within three hours on Wednesday, make sure you have them again on Thursday.
Step 3 – Be sure that at least one of those courses in an online course. I recommend math as that is something that you should be teaching to yourself. No teacher required. It also helps if you have an anatomy course online. Being held responsible to catch up on three days of lectures before a lab is awesome.
Step 4 – Spend $133 on a giant ass book that you will never use. Take the plastic off. Congratulations. Now you will not be able to get full value when you return that book you never once used.
Step 5 – Fail four out of five of your first tests. Now this is going to take some talent, but trust me it’s possible. Not only is it a real boost to the ego, it’s also a good opportunity to try to convince yourself that “F” stands for “Fabulous,” “Fierce,” or “Financially F*cked.”
Step 6 – Find a tutor who gives you the wrong formula. Never mind that he is in a level three class and you’re in level one. That formula is a tricky bitch.
Step 7 – Once the deadline for withdrawal has passed, consider withdrawing from a course.
Step 8 – While struggling to balance everything see if it’s possible to throw in some health issues or family drama. Nothing helps more than some completely unnecessary and retarded family drama.
Step 9 - This is the most important step so pay close attention. Have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any given time. If someone asks you, “What did he say?” you reply with “I have no clue.” Let’s practice.
Student: “Hey, did you figure out the formula for number 12?”
You: “I have no eff’in idea what’s going on lady.”
Student #2: “What’s today’s date?”
You: “Belly button.”
Student #3: “I think your brain is falling out of your head.”
You: “Gingerbread house!”
If you follow my 9-step plan to failure, you’ll hit the bottom in no time. If you recommend my methods to your friends I’ll even throw in a completely useless chemistry book. (Never mind the bite marks.) I suggest you review these steps with a partner and commit them to memory. They are also available in wallet-size versions. Originally in poster size, but you won’t be in that dorm much longer so why bother decorating?!
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Hilarious! I do hope things get better for you though.
And you have made me feel slightly better about somehow managing to ruin my lovely FinetuneDesktop. Now excuse me while I continue to pull out my hair figuring out how to fix it…. (and put off homework at the same time!!)
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HA! This is too funny-I was JUST about to write a post that was practically identical to this…I’m feeling the same exact way with school (OMFG I’M SCREWED)…have a Chem test on Monday that I’m lightyears away from ever being prepared for…and I’m freaking out, just slightly. Okay, COMPLETELY.
I feel your pain, girl.
And I don’t have the answers, unfortunately.
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Funny post, though I hope things improve for you.
“Student #2: “What’s today’s date?”
You: “Belly button.”” – that cracked me up!
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Aw! On the bright side, you are absolutely hilarious.
Belly Button!
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I really hope it gets better for you soon, school sucks sometimes. If it makes you feel any better, I can totally relate to your math class online thing, I’m doing the same thing to myself this semester. I can atest that it is the most difficult thing to teach yourself. I wish I could help you out some, but I’m lost myself.
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Seriously, you are scaring me from ever getting my Masters……
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Why must pathos be so fricking funny?! I’m sorry that things are hard, but I do appreciate the laugh. Does that make me a bad person? :p
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Oh honey :’( there must be someone at college you can talk to, you need to de-stress about all this x
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You totally crack me up with this list! Seriously, I hope it gets better for you soon.
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funny funny! but in an i-totally-know-what-you- mean-kind of way.
but seriously, go talk to your advisor, sometimes they can work wonders. sometimes.
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I love how you can turn something so depressing into something to hilarious. This is great!
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Your blog post put a smile on my face but I am sorry you are finding school to be difficult. I can relate, I felt the same way as you do now at Cortiva. Keep your head up, this will brighten up soon.
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Your blog post put a smile on my face but I am sorry you are finding school to be difficult. I can relate, I felt the same way as you do now at Cortiva. Keep your head up, things will brighten up soon.
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Wow, I know it isn’t meant to be funny funny but I did laugh. Science-heavy classes would definitely help me fail for sure. I need to start using “belly button” as an answer to questions. I still <3 you big time.
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Have you tried talking to your professors/TAs? A tutor with the wrong formula should be fired ASAP!
I hope things start to resemble the nine steps to success instead.
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Ha ha I love your examples in Step 9 HILARIOUS!
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Hee. I shouldn’t have laughed this hard, as I know it’s been a hard semester for you, but I enjoyed this.
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I know I shouldn’t have laughed at this, but it was AWESOME. And I completely feel your pain — been there, done that, don’t know how the hell I survived and made it through to the other side.
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This was hilarious – you brought back vivid memories of college and made me glad that I am not there anymore- I am sorry just said that.
But I guess all that means is – I can relate to you and I made it through and you are clearly brilliant, so don’t worry.
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You can always take an incomplete if you really need to drop a class. It’s better than an F.
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I know this is a horribly sucky situation for you but at least find solace in the fact that you made me laugh. A lot.
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If you stick to your plan… and succeed at failing…
Have you succeeded? Or failed?
Sorry that your current situation is amusing all of us… Hope your life finds some form of normality soon. x
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ManFriend, cover ears.
Talking to professors? Sleep with them.
Just kidding. Sounds brutal. You have a planner? Clean workspace? Lists?
You could throw said giant-ass book at Student #3, might make you feel better.
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Hehehe, hilarious! Very well done.
Hope things start going better for you soon though!
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Oh buddy. I know the feeling. I blame the calc-bio-chem combo for my first semester of college as a whole.
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Aww, I’m sorry you are going through all of this! I took a math course in university (I was told I needed it), then stressed over the class, got 17% on my midterm and then ditched the class (after the withdrawl date of course), only to get a lovely F on my transcripts and then later find out I never needed the class to begin with. So lady? I feel your pain. Fingers crossed the family drama dies down so you can focus on school. Wishing you all the best love!
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Oh, man. I’ve been there before. I know how you feel. That’s exactly why I dropped bio and never looked back.
I hope it gets better. Let us know if we can do anything to help you. While I’m not good at science, I can edit papers like nobody’s business…
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Eeeep good luck
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Gingerbread is good, yes?
I think you need plenty of it, and perhaps a hug or two.
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Oh man! So funny, so sad, so stressful. I hope things get better, even though I did laugh so hard my roommates were looking at me funny.
PS You’ve been tagged on my blog…
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I loved this post!
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I bought minimal textbooks this semester, mostly because I simply couldn’t afford them. My TWO classes were requiring 7 books between them, and that was going to run me upwards of $600. So I said thanks but no thanks and am stumbling my way through school without them.
Hope things get brighter soon!
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It really does take effort to fail. Thanks for posting!
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yeah there definitely is a method to failing, glad you laid it all out
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Aw, lady! Sorry to hear you’re having such a rough time!
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i hope things get better for you soon…there really could be some money in this plan. you should take a marketing class. i’ll take the wallet sized version please.
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Ah! Yikes, I hope you’re doing okay!!
This is basically how I did my last two years of school, and now if I want to go to grad school I have to go back and do another year to upgrade my GPA. If you can at all, slow down.
If you can VW so you’re taking fewer classes & give yourself time to breathe that might not be a bad move.
Feel better!
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Ack! I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I remember drowning in Orgo, Calc, and Molecular Bio during my junior year in college. Hang in there!
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Sounds like a good step by step you have there.
PS- your my fav too. Shhhhhhh
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I have printed this for future reference.
Get ready, world.
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Holy crap. That sounds EXACTLY like my college experience.
How the eff did I EVER GRADUATE?? It’s a freaking MIRACLE!
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