I see through you, you see through me

Sep

8

Filed In: Personal, Relationships

“You could make my head swerve.
Used to know my every curve.
And now we meet on a street,
And I am blind. I cannot find the heart I gave to you.

Sometimes what we think we really need, we don’t.
Sometimes what we think we love, we don’t.”

Sometimes unexpected communication can spark unexpected thoughts. This weekend I found myself thinking back to where I was a year ago.

I was saying goodbye to him and Boston a year ago, only to say hello again to him in Atlanta. I spent some time reflecting on those few months and it’s become a lot easier to go back there. Sure my heart aches when I think of how in love I was. I still feel foolish for sticking around as long as I did. But I’m slowly finding peace with the situation.

The answers I’ve been waiting for? They’ve been right in front of me all along. The absence, the “I don’t knows,” and the pulling away…they’re all answers. He didn’t fight because he didn’t want to. There’s no need to question it further. He didn’t love me because he wasn’t ready to. That’s all I need to know. (Now if only I could be okay with that!)

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Anyway, the point of this was to see how far I’ve come in the last six months. I’m learning how to live without him and I’m finding what it is I really want in a relationship. What do I need? What will I not tolerate?

Well for starters I will not tolerate distance. Technology will never replace a real hug. I don’t miss the anxiety and uncertainty in not knowing when I’ll see him again. I don’t want to date a phone. I really missed the spontaneity in a relationship. “Wanna hang out in 17 minutes?” “Sure.” Okay, maybe I’m not THAT spontaneous, but not having to book a flight two months in advance to see one movie with the guy is a HUGE relief. Plus less expensive. Of course, there is always another side to this. For example, I have no clue how to be in a local relationship. The distance provided me with “me” time. No one was cramping my style. There was no risk of seeing too much of each other. I’m learning how to balance all of that though. Just be patient with me.

What do I need? Above all things I need someone to have the courage to be honest with me. Don’t leave me hanging on that rope, hoping I’ll cut myself down.

We had good times and I’m very grateful for them. It wasn’t all bad and for a period in time I was at my happiest. He encouraged me and supported decisions I’ve made. He was my best friend and I’ll always be thankful for that. At times it seems like it’s getting harder to remember him as my boyfriend. I’ll never forget him. Bits and pieces of him are still with me. But sometimes when I think of him, his face is a bit blurrier than last time. Conversations are forgotten. Maybe this is letting go…

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I hope you find what you are looking for. Hugs!

just keep reminding yourself you deserve more then what he gave you.

But just think of the day when computers CAN hug back…

Yay Jenn! I’m glad you’re moving on. Well, not moving on, as in moving “away” or “past” him, but moving toward a better place for yourself. =)

Sometimes allowing yourself to let the picture get fuzzy is a major step.

It sounds like you are making major progress, way to go!

I wish we could meet and chat about this over coffee or ice cream. So much of what you said is what I feel/will feel eventually.

I always thought that the forgetting of the details would make me sad. Now, I realize that I was holding on to memories in the hopes of reviving the past instead of letting go. Of course, you’ll never forget him but I think the blurring effect isn’t the worst thing either.

I sometimes wonder if the only reason Tim and I made it as long as we did is because we were apart. He was either in the Middle East or stationed over on the other side of the state the whole time we were together. Seeing him for a whole week on leave instead of just a weekend visit was bizarre. And then we broke up.

I can’t wait till that all goes fuzzy.

I really want a guy I can meet up with in 17 minutes, damn it. It’s been so long since I’ve had that. It almost seems like it can’t exist anymore.

while i do not know your entire story with him, it sounds very close to identical to me and the former love-of-my-life. best friend first, long time long distance, real genuine love felt by me, ending in heartache/heart break. its been over a year and a half since he and io broke up and while i feel like i am pretty much over it, or as over it as i ever will be, he is still the first thing on my mind in the morning and last thing before i fall asleep. its just habit. it sucks, the getting over it part. e is totally right about the forgetting of details being the letting go. the easiest part is that they’re far away, the hardest part is that makes it no different than when you were together. hang in there, sista!

I am glad you are healing.

That realization of how far you’ve come in a specific amount of time is a good one, though it takes time.

I hope what you’re looking for finds you.

i couldn’t pinpoint the exact time when i ‘got over it.’ but one day i just realized i was.

it felt great.

…here’s to hoping that it only gets easier over time.

You summed up The LDR wonderfully. I don’t think I’d ever be able to tolerate one again either.

shound like you are making some great strides…i feel your pain though. i think the old addage is really true: time heals old wounds.

Distance is so hard… I should know too, I’ve done it. Twice. If you’ve got someone who is willing to give things up for you, and not because you beg but because he wants to, then distance isn’t so hard. It gives you something to really work for and be proud of in your life. But the minute it begins to feel like the relationship isn’t 50/50. Or a cyber-hug just isn’t enough because you can sense through pixelated screen that the feelings just aren’t coming through, theres something wrong. Thats why I had to get out. I’m happy you’re coming to terms with this. It is currently one of the hardest things I’ve had to do myself.

Wow Jenn, this is an amazing post. Good for you for putting yourself out there. I think all of us readers can find something in this post that makes us say, “I know EXACTLY what you mean!”

I bet that when you find the right person, being in a “local relationship” (never thought to call them that!) will come very naturally to you - because you will find someone who will embrace your independence as you will embrace his.

this is your way of letting go! you’re free to love again.

It definitely sounds like you’re letting go. It’s such a long process, but figuring out what you need and who you need is so worthwhile. I couldn’t do distance, you’re definitely stronger than I am.

I think you’ve come a long way. I hope that you continue to heal, and to see the relationship as an important learning experience and remember the good times without giving them too much power.

What’s that I detect?

I think it might be peace.

xoxo

Yes, I think you’ve found your way. You might not feel it, yet, but you’re letting go and moving on. This is a good thing.

It makes me happy to know you’ve found some closure. It really makes life so much sunnier.

I think the acceptance you’re feeling is terrific. You’re moving on and that’s great. And you’re right…long distance relationships are the worst. They’re much harder in the long run.

Moving on is good. Long distance relationships are bad. It will take time though. And don’t listen to anyone else about when they think you’ll be ready - you have to figure that out yourself. (great writing by the way)

You know what I love about this post? Even as the details from that relationship are left behind, you have taken something away. You know yourself better. And you know what you want/need. And that is a huge gift with which you can approach your next relationship!

I think moving on is all about time. Every new day and new thing that enters into your life puts a certain space between you and those that arent with you anymore, and gives you a little bit more perspective. Time heals all things right?

I’m really bad at letting people out of my life too

good for you. for all of it. *hugs*

gosh, it’s not easy getting over something like this. healing takes time. glad to hear that you are doing better as time moves forward. it will continue to get easier.

At the risk of sounding like a mother…. Serenity Prayer
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”

You really have to embrace that feeling of inner peace. I’m in the midst of the distance battle, but since we had nearly two fulls years together, it makes the distance a tad easier.

I think the key for you is that if you don’t look for it, it will find you in its own time. And trust that you will know when it has found you.

All the best!

It is funny those things we tolerate in past relationships that we never would now. I know we never get into these things for the learning, but sometimes I think it may be the most important part.

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Sep

8

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