Giving up on greener grasses

Aug

19

Filed In: Personal, Relationships

(I wrote this Friday morning while waiting for my flight to Florida - not that it matters)

The other day I mentioned that I may or may not have spoken with my ex. I use “spoken” rather loosely since the Internet replaces the sound of a voice with the tapping of keys.

During my pseudo-conversation, I may or may not have learned that the move to Iceland has been postponed, indefinitely. If he were the one to postpone it, he may have said that he was going for the wrong reasons. This made me feel proud. I’m happy that he took the time to think about what he was doing and made a decision based on what was best for himself. With that said, what?!

I based our breakup on his move. It made it some what easier to think that the only reason we wouldn’t be together is because of the extra distance. We could barely do different states, another country was out of the question. Now I feel like I need to re-evaluate the entire thing. Did he ever intend to move? Did he know that his decision (that didn’t include me by the way) would get me to break up with him? Am I just over-analyzing like I usually do? (The answer to that is yes, by the way.)

I spent parts of my vacation crying over this, and why? Why should I spend anymore time dwelling on what I can’t change? Why do I keep on asking the same questions over and over. By now I should know I’ll never get the answers I seek. The longer I wonder, the more foolish I feel.

I want to come off as I don’t care. That I’ve moved on and I couldn’t be happier. My life is amazing and so full of great people, happy memories and very few tears. And for the most part I do have a good life. It’s the part where I have to remove him from the big picture that sucks.

I’m tired of caring. I’m tired of hurting. It’s been a few months. I want to be over it now. So come on…feelings of resolution and closure! You are welcome any time.

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I’ve decided that it’s totally okay to question, to over-analyze and take your brain through the “what-if” marathon like you were an Olympian going for the gold… and when the tears stop and you feel all lumpty and hollow, you’ve got to give yourself a gold-star for being capable of the sadness, the hurt, the foolishness and the caring. Think of it as training the life-muscles for endurance, and the heart for something REALLY good. And know most assuredly that Capital H Happiness is coming your way, even rain in Florida (or in my case - snow in August in Colorado!) can be a background for the vacation you needed, and moving on doesn’t necessarily mean never looking back. Sometimes the distance is scary (whether because the past is still so close or because it’s so far away…), but eventually you might just reach out across that distance and end up realizing that you care in a different way. In a way that doesn’t hurt. In a way that allows friendship to exist, or not!, and doesn’t judge the present even if it can’t quite forget the past.

I just hit that wall with my ex. I broke up with him two years ago. About a month ago, he and I went for a hike. A hike that I’d always resented him for not going with me when we were together. I set the pace; he didn’t complain, even had a good time. It was good to come full circle and be able to enjoy his company without missing the companionship I’d wanted (but never really had). Sometimes I still feel foolish when I think about all the time I wasted on him… but then I try to cut myself some slack. To think of myself as better prepared for the next one. Wherever and whenever he may come into the picture!

*HUG* You’re not alone in being tired… You’re not alone in deserving more than you’ve gotten… And you’re definitely a sitting duck for some great cosmic Capital H Happiness karma!

Bringing closure to a situation is such a difficult thing. It involves feelings, emotion and so much that is not cut and dried. You move through the event at your own pace, acknowledging your own feelings as you go. No one can rush you, not even you. Just be gentle with yourself and know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. HUGS I truly understand that feeling of wanting it to hurry up, but not wanting to miss the lesson along the way.

Oh wow. I think you totally deserve to have some moments of sadness, confusion and analysis over that conversation. Breakups are always hard, but when you find out information after the fact that causes you to question all of the pieces you’ve glued back together, it’s only natural to take a couple of steps back. I’m not sure that you ever really “get over” a broken heart. You do eventually move on. You stop hurting every time you think of it. You might even wonder from time to time what you ever saw in that guy. But it does change you. Even so, I hope that all of this hurt goes away as soon as possible and that eventually you really don’t care anymore. Hugs and good luck!

What everyone has been saying is sage advice, and so far we all can identify with this feeling of finding out we still have tangled heart strings still tethered to their original anchors. It totally sucks, and we are sighing deeply right alongside you. But a little time, a little effort, and some encouragement from friends (real and electronic) can always help you along. So I admire your opening up here, and I hope we do make you feel better somewhat.

The Googler is our venerated superheroine, sure; but the Googler is also human.

If your over-analysis is right he’s a devious little b*st*rd who needs to be strung up by his nether regions and painted with honey in bee season.

If not, then you need to remember that you are worth more than being an adjunct to him. You broke up for exactly the right reasons and while it’s going to be hard to think about him for a long time, that doesn’t mean you haven’t moved on, it just means that you cared (which is a good thing).

you deserve to be adored and don’t you forget it

I don’t think there is really a timeframe for when you ’should’ be over someone. Don’t let social expectations or your own force something you aren’t yet. It took me a very long time to get over my last relationship, but eventually it did happen. Everyone needs as much time as they personally need, it’s not a general rule that applies to everyone. Eventually it will happen, you’ll be over him and feel better, but I think this (mourning) takes time and it does take a little analyzing things (maybe not over-analyzing, but like you I don’t know where to draw the line, haha).
I sincerely hope your ex didn’t just make up that move to Iceland, but in the end, if he did, be glad you’re rid of him!

It will happen soon. You’ll think of him less and less as time goes on. You may not ever get “closure”, but you will get “that was a long time ago”. Also? Could this be hastened by a rebound guy? The way I see it, if you can’t get answers to give you closure, that should key you into a maturity level problem that renders the whole damn thing irrelevant. You’re a catch, and the right guy is out there somewhere. I don’t think it’s Iceland boy.

xoxo

oh verybadcat said everything i was thinking. closure will come…eventually. that may not be what you want to hear now, but that’s how this stuff works, right?

and just don’t go for rebound guy just for sake of rebounding….that’s just as messy.

Only time can heal these things.

Maybe it’s better to think that it just didn’t work because he wasn’t who you needed him to be — maybe once the dust settles on this you’ll get some closure knowing that it wasn’t just the distance that kept things from working out. It was him. Blame him. It might make things easier.

Give it time - when your reason for closure changes it is going to take you a little bit to convince yourself it was still the right choice. And if that doesn’t work you can take solace knowing that your new blog layout is FREAKING AWESOME.

I wish there was a way to put a time line on ending heartache. It sucks and I hate to say it, but it just takes time. One day you will wake up and feel 1 million times better. The catch is not knowing when that day is.

Hugs.

PS- Loving the new layout!

It’s so hard when your head wants to be over it and your heart is still grieving. I’m sorry you are hurting.

I’m sorry that you are hurting right now and questioning so many things. I’m so used to analyzing, too. One day you’ll wake up in the morning and just realize that everything really does happen for a reason. Maybe if he didn’t say he was going you’d have never walked out, but maybe you’ll also discover that no matter what he decided to do, the decision you made was the best thing for YOU. Hurting never lasts forever. I’m beginning to realize that myself. I hope things fall together for you. From reading your blog I really relate to the things you say and the relationship issues you’re having. It makes me feel a lot better about the stuff I’m dealing with. So as much as you’re hurting and all that I hope you at least know that you’re a big inspiration to a lot of us readers out in blog world. Take care and good luck with everything!

i wish i had something perfect to say that would make you feel better…but grieving the loss of a relationship is hard. just being able to vocalize your hurt helps, i’m sure. hang in there. just remember the most important part of this equation is you. take care of yourself.

I agree with Lynn, I think everything works out for a reason, even though things never go as you expected. It’s an unusual situation you’ve been entwined in. Don’t put to much stress on yourself, let things wind down in its natural way and you’ll eventually find what’s right for you. xoxo

I think you’re on the right track. It sucks now, but like everyone’s said, it just takes time. Don’t worry about over-analyzing. It’s certainly part of the process.

There’s been alot of wise words already typed in this comment section so I’m going to just say (or pseudo say)

try to stop analyzing and do whatever it is you feel like doing at any particular moment.

Ugh, it’s hard, but as cliche as it sounds, time really does heal all wounds.

Good luck.

Oh, honey. I have been there. And I’ll tell you this. It’s just going to get a little bit easier each day. I’m getting married but part of me still doesn’t quite have closure. I’ve learned that we never really have closure; we just learn to accept that these things happen.

You’re a strong person, and you’re going to be just fine. <3

Awww, hon, I feel ya on this one. I think what you need to do is look at some of the ex’s actions. He let you break things off. He didn’t fight for you then. He didn’t come running to you to get back together once he indefinitely postponed his move. He hasn’t really considered you at all in his decision-making process about his future. And you know what? You deserve so much better than that. There are a lot of really cool people in this world who are fun to spend time with. There are a lot fewer of them who deserve our love and devotion. I think the ex may fall into the former bucket. You deserve better. Remind yourself that.

I just don’t know if I have anything good to say on this. I’ve been through a menagerie of bullshit thanks to a certain someone and in hindsight he was NEVER fully committed and ALWAYS finding ways to get out of things w/out coming out and saying it.

Some men are weak.

You deserve much, much better.

My Australian Ex told me he was going back for GOOD. A year later he was back and I couldn’t help but wondering if I had made the right decision by agreeing in essence to end the relationship. I thought about it all the time and was so angry that the relationship had to end for him to basically go travelling for a year.

But over time, (I’m talking two years) I realized that it was never going to work. He would always want to pick up and be able to do whatever he wants and I would always want to be someone’s priority, you know?

All I’m saying is that give yourself a little bit more time. You are doing wonderfully. And before you know it? Resolution, closure? They’ll come.

P.S I looooooooooove your new design!

First of, let’s be positive, I LOVE your new design. It fits you well.
Anyway. I don’t think you’re overthinking too much, I think finding out that type of huge information qualifies for a little bit of overthinking.
Hugs! and good luck with everything.

I’ve learned that closure comes with time and by moving past what happened. And that, obviously, does not happen over night (although truly I wish it would!) It’s normal to question and ask the “what ifs?” Sometimes you can’t help it. I wish I had some concrete advice for you, but alas, I don’t. Instead I say…good luck. You don’t deserve the pain and sorrow.

I’m sending good thoughts your way. I hope you start to feel some better, hun

numero uno. i love the new layout. so awesome and so you
numero dos. i don’t think you’re over thinking the situation, i think anyone in your situation would be thinking and analyzing the same things. but i wouldn’t stress over it, you’re clearly an awesome person and if your ex doesn’t get that,then it’s his big loss not yours. heart you.

Hugs.

LOVE LOVE LOVE THE NEW LAYOUT.

There is always sun shining on a patch of green grass… it just sometimes takes time to find the right one. So don’t give up on finding your greener grass.

i don’t think you need to give up on greener grasses… after all, you have meeting someone NEW to look forward to, someone who treats you better, who makes it clear they want to be with you, someone who makes it easy to be with them, someone who deserves you. those are some green grasses right there.

also… i disagree with erin. rebound away, girl… rebound away

ps - new layout again! it looks hot!

ok, this totally sounds like something that a good bowl of ice cream (or cupcakes) could solve for the moment. and then maybe a good talk with your mom (if you talk to her about this kind of thing) and to round it all out, find yourself a hot piece of male specimen and HAVE FUN!

1. I hate men.
2. I love Ingrid Michaelson.
3. I love you.

ugh, this whole waiting period to get over someone that you know you want to be over? it sucks. it really bites. and all i know for certain is that it just takes time. i wish it was some simple fix, but all i guess we can hope is that one day you will look back on this time and realize, wow- ive come a long way.

take care of your heart while getting there.

Oof. This was certainly unexpected news. I hate the waiting period and honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever really found complete closure with any of my relationships, of any kind. Sigh.

Let the healing begin!

they always manage to finagle their way back into the recesses of our hearts even when we thought we pushed them out once and for all. it sucks. a lot. and sometimes until you have a moment like “bam! wait! i’m better off without him” things might be this way. it’s super hard to do. but it sounds like it’s getting a bit easier. i am proud of you.

Sorry I’m a little late to the party. FYI I LOVE LOVE LOVE the new blog design. So cute.

It’s okay to overanalyze and question and wonder about things but it should be done in a contained manner so you don’t let these thoughts and fears and concerns take over your life. You can “what if” all day long but in the end you need to be looking at other things while waiting for closure to happen.

Isn’t it so much easier to beat yourself up over something like this than it is to build yourself up? Trust me…I keep the boxing gloves on at all times when dealing with myself.

hang in there.

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19

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