Dear Jenn,
It is important that you read this and commit it to memory. Under absolutely no circumstances should you be allowed to do the following:
- Purchase anything with a credit card while talking to two people online, watching a DVD and writing notes about a meet-up. This will result in you spending $250 on three years of web space. (Host Monster refunds by the way)
- IM your ex before 9 a.m. or before you have coffee in your system.
- Care.
- Think that the second Twinkie is a good idea. 
- Wear a fanny pack.
- Think that doing the “before and after” stomach shot in the mirror counts as a work out.
- Wallow in relationship mucky-muck.
- Count things. This will only result in more work for you.
- Lick a white powdery substance off of the ground. It’s not the inside of an Oreo cookie. Trust me.
- Hold it. If you gotta pee, you gotta pee. One day your bladder o’ steel is going to get you back for making it wait. Watch out.
- Lick the computer screen. It does not taste good and then you’re stuck with a weird smear.
Let’s practice these acts of avoidance and see how much better our week turns out shall we? Sweet.
Sincerely,
Your better half.
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
But the second twinkie, what if it’s part of a two pack? You can’t just let those go to waste! I mean, isn’t that what working out is for?
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Maybe you should stay away from licking the ground period?\
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Just a thought.
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Matt -\
I’ll take that into consideration, but I can’t make any promises.
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fanny packs should be banned on anyone. I see too many of those around dc and they just…no. they don’t work on anyone. \
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and we all wallow in relationship mucky muck…i do that when i feel sorry for myself. i know i shouldn’t but it’s easier than dealing with whatever’s getting me down. two years later and my ex is still bringing me down *sigh* how pathetic am i?
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“fanny pack” hahahahahahahaha. \
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Why would you call a bumbag that? Why would you use the word “fanny” with anything. Hahahaha.\
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*blank look*\
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Oh. Maybe it’s a British thing?
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Nuttycow -\
Americans prefer the term “fanny” instead of bum I suppose. Makes us giggle?
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If you take away my cell when I get drunk, I’ll keep you in line with the IM until you’re sufficiently caffeinated. Deal?
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“Lick a white powdery substance off of the ground. It\’92s not the inside of an Oreo cookie. Trust me.”\
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Hahahahaha!
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Oh, man, if you combine #2, 4, and #7, that could be lethal. Avoid this at all cost!
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Shit. I just licked the screen hoping it would taste like those Twinkies. Now I have a smudge.
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I still don’t understand why people have fanny packs. I mean, they have to to know that people mock them, right? \
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Then again, I still don’t understand how churches have their stupid signs and are oblivious to the fact that there are sites devoted especially to stupid church signs. But whatev.\
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The week is on the downslope! Hope it ends well
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This is totally unrelated, but sort of related still. If you have Trader Joe’s in Chicago, I recommend that you go there immediately and buy their chocolate cookie with white filling (their version of Oreo’s, obviously). They are SO much more delicious than actual Oreo’s. Plus, they have fewer ingredients and more natural ones, so on top of the delicious factor, they’re practically healthy for you. It’s a win-win.
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” Lick a white powdery substance off of the ground. It\’92s not the inside of an Oreo cookie. Trust me.”\
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Yeah, just DON’T!\
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The one time that a fanny pack is justified? To make the before and after shots that much more stylish!
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Why would you lick your computer monitor?
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Angela -\
I ask you why not?
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I love the new blog design! Fannypack, twinkies, haha I love this post!!! I’d have a pretty similar list except i’d have to add that I shouldn’t be aloud to have post-barhopping taco bell….bad news bears
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It would be cool if you could use a device that would beep loudly if you DID do one of these things.\
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I smell a patent pending.
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Hehe, I pleade the fifth in commenting. I no matter what I say, I’ll incrominate myself. Great entry.
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Incriminate myself, even! I’m not sure with incrominating is, but it sounds painful.
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Thanks for the giggle, I needed it today!
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ha- yeah, I agree. Licking the ground, regardless of how yummy the substance looks should not be done.
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I adore you. Enough said.
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did you notice that the kid in Transformers wore a fanny pack? he must be homies with these guys –> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PALDv_B7YT0
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White powdery substance…hmmm…did you feel a little high afterwards? Probably not a safe bet to lick the floor, or screen althouigh dammit those twinkies look so good I almost licked it myself.
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worse than licking white powder from the ground:\
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thinking it’s a good idea to smell it, and then recoiling from the fact that you’ve just snorted a teaspoon of salt (which hurts).
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haha sounds like you’ve been having quite the week jenn. but it’s okay i would totally lick a white substance thinking it was oreo too. no shame sometimes.
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are you sure it’s not the inside on an Oreo? maybe I should double check to make sure…\
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also, said fanny pack wearing is prohibited in my home as well
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The one about not holding it? Yeah. I need to tell myself that one on a daily basis. I will wait until the last possible second and then have to RUN to go pee. And I mean, it’s not that I can’t go whenever I want. I’m currently spending my days watching Olympic re-caps and writing down favorite recipes from the food channel. Clearly I have the time. So thanks for the reminder, and for making me feel I’m not the only crazy one who tries to torture my bladder for no apparent reason.
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Note to Jenn: consult Jamie before doing anything money or phone/email/im related.
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i think i might print this and post it on the wall.. can i add ‘begin datnig someone you broke up with.. if there was a reason to break up the first time there will be a reason to do it the second tiime”
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Exes before 9am are NEVER a good idea. Nothing before 9am is a good idea. Ever.\
Also, my only question. Did the licking of the computer screen happen A.) while looking at shirtless Olympian swimmers or B.) while posting the Twinkie picture.\
I won’t judge you, I just need to know
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Haha some of these are worrying me. \
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WTF are you doing licking so many things!?!?\
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You have a licking problem, I see. \
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Go see SO@24 and his “Simbaaaa” move, maybe you’d have been the girl who liked that
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http://startingoverat24.blogspot.com/2008/08/moves-make-man.html
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Maybe just stay away from licking the floor altogether? Just an idea, although I completely understand if, you know, you just HAVE TO lick the floor once in a while.
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