For the first time I am second guessing a post I’ve written. “Will it make me appear less professional? Am I just another ‘typical’ twenty-something looking for attention/recognition/guidance? What will they* think?”
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Some of the things I overheard at BlogHer have me spooked. For a while I have been toying with the idea of an additional blog, perhaps an anonymous one. The idea of maintaining my anonymity exhausts me though. After the conference I wanted to create a new one and apply everything I had learned. Sort of an experiment of sorts. Is such-and-such really the best way to draw traffic to your site? Does black text really make it easier for readers? I didn’t want to apply any drastic changes to Free and Flawed because that’s not what this blog is about. This is my personal blog. I’m not trying to drive traffic to my site. I’m trying to build a community and develop relationships with other bloggers, not make money.
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And here is where I realized that I should be afraid to put anything on my blog if the only thing holding me back is what others will think. There is a good chance that I will create an additional blog. I may have already. Whether it will be anonymous or not is yet to be determined. I will find something that works for me and makes me feel comfortable. In the mean time, I’m taking a break from the BlogHer recaps to share something I wrote last night:
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There are times when I just want to ramble on about things that are bothering me. I like to spend an hour carefully selecting the words that would perfectly describe how I am feeling. And sometimes I just can’t find the words. At that point I try to think of one word that would sum up everything. Tonight all I could think of was
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Lonely.
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Not lonely in the sense that there is no one around because there is. I just got back from a conference full of people. I’m never home alone. There is always someone nearby and still, I am lonely.
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I’m lonely because I miss a bond – a connection you have with someone. The one that makes you feel like you could be at your absolute worst and they wouldn’t judge you. They know what to say to cheer you up, and if they didn’t have the words, they know what to do whether it be an expression, dance or hug.
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The one that makes you feel comfortable enough to be uninhibited, raw and authentic. There is nothing to hide; forget about bottling up the crazy. It’s all out there.
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I remember a couple years ago my mom told me that the spark was missing from my eyes. I found it and held onto it for as long as I could, but now I don’t even see it.
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And after writing this I feel so resentful and so disappointed with myself because I haven’t let go yet.
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* They refers to new readers.
{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }
I wish I had the cushion of anonymity to let me get some important things off my chest. But at the same time, I think I wish more that I had the confidence and the freedom to say what I want while still attaching my name to it.
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You have no idea how much I’ve just wanted to (and at times have) send out an email spilling my guts to blog friends about things that I’ve barely told anyone.
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I agree with Ben. There are so many things that I don’t write because my mom reads or I don’t want to hurt feelings of friends that read.
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I would try your best not to worry about what they think. Just write what feels true. That’s why I love reading your blog.
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I agree with Ben. There’s something to be said for anonymity, but saying it with your name attached? Even more powerful.
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As far as being lonely, I know how it goes. It sucks. And knowing the spark is missing from your eye? (My mother told me the same thing when my father had left.) Painful.
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Letting go is hard. Really hard. So don’t be frustrated or disappointed because you haven’t yet. It’s something that takes time.
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Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re only human and we ALL go through this kind of thing.
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::HUGGLES::
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But how can anyone recognize you with your clever disguise on in that picture???
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I “reinvented” myself to go anonymous, but it’s not easy at all.
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As far as feeling the connection, I totally understand, even though it’s not romantically, severing relationships with some of my closest friends has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I don’t want to be in a rush to get that bond with someone else because I don’t want to get hurt again, and I don’t want to “need” it, but it’s such a fragile thing to have.
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You’ll let it go when you’re ready, no sense in beating yourself up about it.
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I echo all the sentiments above. I, too, wish I was braver at times, so that I could be a bit more raw or forthcoming on my blog. It’s why I admire Heather Armstrong so much: that drive and gusto to speak her mind and be comfortable enough to know exactly who she is, and thus know that nothing anyone writes or says is going to change her.
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I absolutely understand that feeling of loneliness, too. We all experience it, and we all have different reasons for it. I know it’s great to have that special connection with another, but if it’s any consolation, when you find that spark within yourself, THAT’S when it’s truly magical.
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I love it when you are honest and real. Don’t let the fear of judgement hold you back. I struggle with the whole anonymity thing too, especially with relationship problems. Do I really want everyone to know who I am AND what is going wrong in my life? I like what Ben says, and maybe it is more powerful. I know of all the blogs I read, I relate to the non-anonymous ones much better, because I can see them and also feel what they are feeling. People are always going to judge, no matter what, but at least they can’t say I’m a coward.
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Letting go isn’t easy, and it’s something that can’t be forced. You will feel lonely, that’s a given. But you are a strong woman, with so many aspirations, so it is bound to disappear soon. Maybe slowly, but it will happen soon. *:SQUEEZE:*
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Your post, my thoughts for the past few days, and these comments made me think of something. What if we started a collaborative 20 something blog where we could post stuff anonymously? Since most of us are not really anonymous? Or maybe we could do guest posts on other blogs?
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Like Ben, there are times that I need to spill the beans so badly that I have to fight off the urge to mass email people, and just like Ben again, I often wish I had the confidence to be more open now that I’m less anonymous.
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As far as the loneliness, I don’t really know what to tell you. A year ago I thought I had that kind of bond, and then my life got really shitty and weird really quick, and those bonds were one of many casualties in the fall-out. I’m beginning to wonder if such an animal even exists anymore.
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For the record, I’m almost always pretty sure when I hit the post button that I’m making an ass of myself on the internet.
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xoxo
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hmmm, this is a tough one. my spark has been gone for quite sometime i think.
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yeah that probably didn’t help much
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I’ve only occasionally wished for anonymity, but I think the relationships I’ve formed and rekindled are more than worth it. Plus keeping unnecessary negativity out of my blog has a discernible influence on my attitude. It sounds like you are in transition, just focus on what you truly need and I think you’ll regain your spark.
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I totally feel you on wishing you could go back and make your blog anonymous. But, hey. Aren’t we brave? We aren’t anonymous and I think that in the end that makes this an even stronger community. The blog Amanda is the same as the in person Amanda–just like your live blog from the conference said. I know I don’t *know* you–but I’m willing to bet the blog Jenn is the same as the in person Jenn.
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Hmmm, I think you’ve got a good balance here on this blog, but it’s important that you have the outlet you feel like you need. It can be hard to maintain the whole anonymous thing but freeing too. But there are lots of times when I just want to shout: “This is who I am and what I do!” But I can’t run the risk of being caught by my bosses.
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On the sparkle in your eye … don’t get upset because it’s not there. It’s natural to go through tough times where you’re more emotional. There’s nothing wrong with it. And when you’re not looking one day it will come back.
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Hi,
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Just recently started reading your blog after finding it on 20something and I think it’s one of the best personal blogs I’m subscribed to. It’s honest but you’re not over-sharing. And things are presented as your insight into the experience, rather than the experience itself. So, it’s easier for a reader to relate and the “community” aspect is sort of implied in that.
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“The idea of maintaining my anonymity exhausts me though.” – me too.
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-Mindy.
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I admire people who aren’t anonymous.
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I have alot of drafts that I will probably never post because it’s just too personal…
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and I am anonymous. Well, mostly.
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I long for that kind of bond too… I’m so tired of being fake. It’s easier to be real on my blog, because most people I know in real life don’t know about my blog, but it’s harder in real life.
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I feel the same way when it comes to making friends. I have Dan, who is my best friend, but I wouldn’t mind more. I’m a hard woman to get though so I’m being patient until I find someone that is just as odd/spazzy/weird as me…
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Having you name on your blog always makes things more personal for your readers. We feel like we can connect to a real name more than a fake one.
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As for feeling lonely? I certainly get like that. I hate being in “funks” (that’s what I call them). So I just try to put my mind on other things.
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i definitely got the idea to start another one too, but i’m still not sure yet.
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I go through those moods every few months – but when I come out of them I appreciate what I have and where I am so much more for having been in a worse place beforehand. Just keep the faith that it’ll get better.
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I know that feeling. And I know you’ll pull out of it too. Hang in there hon.
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i completely understand what you’re going through. these are the exact reasons why i have kept my blog “anonymous.” even still, i contemplate beginning a more personal blog that is private or invite only. i guess that is what my journal is for.
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it’s tricky finding the balance.
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I sympathize completely on being alone. One of the few things that really makes me happy is being able to be that person that people can tell anything to and will always love them no matter what, but I don’t have anyone to do that for! I don’t even need a girlfriend right now, just for someone to trust me enough to let me be there for them. There’s something about having a connection with someone that truly is amazing..
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loneliness and self-loathing are very real things, not just flippant personality accessories people take on like, say, sarcasm. i can totally feel the weight of this post. and it’ll sink you deeper until you let go – but also consider how far up you’ll float once you do let go.
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hold onto it as long as you need to, it’s a justified way to feel. but look forward to being buoyant.
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I get lonely too. Sometimes, when I wish I had someone physically there, I think of something I did on my blog that made me happy, and that helps a little.
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Also, I write everything while keeping in mind that everyone knows who I really am, and anyone can be reading at any time. That helps keep me good.
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Ahh, I can understand what you are saying here. I’m always thinking if I’ve made the right choice by not being 100% anonymous. I’ve even thought of starting a new blog, but then… I don’t know. I’m proud of the blog I’ve started, the words that people know are mine. So I guess it’s a toss-up.
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As for getting that ‘lonely’ feeling… I’m blaming wedding season. Hope the feeling passes soon.
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your blog is awesome. i love that you are willing to put yourself out there and really speak how you feel. i’m definitely afraid to do that to a certain extent [first, i know i have my church pastors reading my blog...i know my bf reads my blog...there's only so much i can really say]. but i appreciate what you do, your openness.
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i know realizing you haven’t “let it go” must be hard. sometimes i think i’m still holding on to things. but maybe just knowing you haven’t let go, that you still need to grow and deal with things before you can really tell yourself that is what is important. i say if you haven’t let go – it’s ok…but don’t tell yourself you have.
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I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. As wonderful as I’ve been hearing BlogHer was, I keep on getting the feeling that what it really did was make everybody second guess their blog- and how they’re doing it.
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For me, blogging was a choice. You can either make it professional or you can make it personal, and very rarely is there a blog with a successful middle ground. You’ve made great friends- great connections through this blog, you’ve found people to listen and to share advice with (just read ALL of those comments up there, with people who either do or don’t know how you feel, but are still trying to help you through it as best as they can) You have a wide readership of people who love both the deeply personal side of this blog, and it seems as though you like how it has been working for you as well. I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t let a conference second guess the success you’ve made for yourself- doing things how YOU wanted to do it.
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As for the lonliness, I think it happens to everybody from time and time again. I know for me, although I do have good friends, I feel as if I only have about 2 people who I feel truly close with. The lonliness, I think, as there at least a little bit for everybody. Hang in there and value all of the good friendships that you do have.
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Hugs
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I’m a pretty new reader and found your blog on 20SB. I think your blog is amazing. It’s funny, personal, clever, and real. I truly admire the community that you’ve built of loyal readers and friends. I totally understand your desire for anonymity in order to be more personal and real because those are the reasons I chose to start my blog anonymously. It’s easier to be yourself fearlessly when you’re just a pseudonym.
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Also, I think loneliness hits the best of us, but I’ve found if you direct your energy toward your relationships, you can bounce back soon.
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You’re fabulous!
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I’ve found there is a huge difference between being alone (as in the only one home) and being lonely (the hollow feeling inside). Lonely sucks, but take comfort in knowing there are many people in real life and on blog that care about you very much. I hope you find your spark soon. HUGS
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I feel like I am reading about myself in this post. This is something I really struggle with: wanting to make my blog real and really express myself, but not wanting to say things I’ll be questioned about in real life by my friends or family, especially. I really admire you for some of the topics you tackle on here.
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As far as feeling lonely, again all I can say is, I know exactly how you feel. That has been my big problem, this summer especially, has just been feeling really alone while being surrounded by people. I’m just lacking a connection right now with anyone. I think that’s why blogging has become so important to me lately.
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this post is like an entry taken from my own personal (handwritten) journal. i’ve been dealing with my feelings of loneliness for a while and like everything, there are good days and bad. but i just wish there were more of the good.
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hang in there hon!!!
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If I weren’t so exhausted, I’d leave a long note but I seem to be unable to string together coherent thoughts at the moment. I wanted you to know though that I often think about anonymity with blogging and even more after hearing the blogher recaps.
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Also, I yearn for a common bond like you described. Sigh.
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aawww [hugs]
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and I am working on another blog (that i was inspired to create about 2 days ago) and if you do go through with it, so far i’ve found it invigorating and refreshing… its always fun for a change (plus its in no relation to the JQ lounge so i feel like i use another part of my brain. lol!) i’ll keep you posted.
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i seriously could have written this post right now. both the guy i really thought was “the one” at the time and the girl i thought was my best friend both “broke up” with me over the past few months… so even though i’m not literally alone, that doesn’t help me not feel alone.
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i’ve nearly started an anonymous blog several times as well. i’ve had some blog buds offer to post something i’ve written anonymously to get stuff off my chest and still get feedback w/o it being on MY blog.. if you ever want to do that, i’d certainly do the same for you
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It seems like people really struggle with how much they want to reveal on their blogs, both regarding actual identifying details, and self-revelations. Honestly, though, I think the bulk of readers, particularly if they are writers, too, don’t judge. They read you because they identify with what you say, not because they want to take an outsider’s perspective.
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Wow this is a great post and touches on a lot of good issues. I wish I could be more anonymous, honestly, but the thought of keeping another blog going makes me tired already. Don’t feel lonely. I love you tons, you’re my sweetheart and I love you no matter what
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i have the same kind of loneliness…and it’s not just my quiet apartment that makes me feel that way…
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Ditto – to everything you said about feeling lonely. Some times the feeling is more acute than others.
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I only recently found out that my grandfather had once hoped I’d never lose my flair, or my spark. My grandma told me a little bit before her birthday back in May. I learned that he thought that I was the grandchild with the most flair and individuality, and the spark to carry it off. He died about five years ago, and I feel like I’m disappointing him because I did lose my spark for a while. I’ve only just started to get it back.
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I kind of know what it’s like to feel lonely and like you’re missing something. I won’t claim it’s in the same capacity to how you’re feeling though. I have a shared anonymous blog with a close friend. We don’t update it regularly as we both have regular blogs, but it helps for us to be able to vent somewhere we know we won’t be questioned or judged.
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I know what you mean. Same deal over here, although it always hits quite randomly. Like on the minibus home last night. Luckily, it’s only been fleeting every now and again. xoxo
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Anonimity is the coward’s way out if you want to speak from the heart. Be honest and unmerciful until the end. You rock, girl.
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Must be from all that emptiness sloushing around in your stomach.
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http://www.organizeddoodles.blogspot.com/
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wow.. your post really touched me. i can understand the missing sparkle- i feel that way too, and so many people ask me why i don’t smile.. i have everything to be happy, but sometimes I feel… just lonely. And I’m even married with 2 kids! Crazy.. maybe it’s a 20-something thing? I sure hope so. And about your blog.. I typically write things that may turn people off, but I started my blog for myself, if you’re thinking of doing it commercially, then I can understand your concern. The anonimity would be way too hard for me, I share too much, and I don’t like to feel I’m writing inside a box. But if you want to.. I say go for it!
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Always blog for yourself. Know why you’re blogging. And stick with that.
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And also, please keep blogging
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First off–I’ve been contemplating making my anonymous blog known. People know I blog, but they don’t know where. However, I have been holding back more lately due to the fact that I think the guy I quit working for (who knows about my blog) could/would use it against me. I’ve lost that piece of freedom in blogging, which I used as therapy, because the fear of my issues being known publicly looms. I’ve recently been thinking of starting a private blog or another anonymous one, just so I can be ‘real’ again. I love that you’re contemplating the same, but reversed from me.
As for the word “lonely”, I’m right there with ya sister. *See my most recent post.* For me, I struggle with wanting to do nice things for someone, like washing their car or surprising them with tickets to a baseball game. I LOVE doing these kinds of things, but when I don’t have someone I’m ‘with’ to do them for, I come across as creepy and stalkerish. In return, this makes me feel lonely.
Know that you’re not alone in feeling lonely…if that helps any. =)
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