Maybe.
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I’m Dan Mega, your guest blogger for today.
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When Jenn asked me to guest post, my first feeling was elation. A time to shine in the spotlight. I get to post on a blog with a huge fanbase! Its like I have my 15 minutes of fame and will fizzle away into nothing. If I am really awesome, I’ll have a VH1 special done about how low I sunk after being on top of the world, and that I hit rock bottom when it was discovered that I knocked up Tara Reid and was working at an IHOP.
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Too far? Ok.
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The feeling of my natural high eventually wore off and I realize that I was following Chris and Ben. I mean…wow…did I do something wrong? I have to follow these guys, who have a legion of readers (aka secret lovers) and have apparently won awards for their writing? I’m lucky if a post of mine gets 10 comments. I’m lucky if I can string 2 coherent sentences together that someone can read without their head exploding. I’m lucky if I can post something that will have more comments than email questioning my integrity and sanity.
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If you have made it up to this point, congratulations. You have the patience of a man that has been married for 50+ years.
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Not only do I have to follow 2 excellent writers, this blog has a standard to uphold. If you read mine, you’ll see that many of my posts are sometimes no more than 10 words. This one is filled with a treasure trove of pictures, drawings, gadgets, musings, awesomes, and so forth. Not mine. I once wrote a long, yet excellent post, and were people talking about the content? No. They couldn’t get past the fact (Fact!) that I wrote something that was more than my standard (and boring) “Hey you, blah blah blah, fact, Discuss.”
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Ever see that Fail Blog on the interwebs? I inspired them. Or so I’m told.
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But I told myself that this standard has to be upheld. If she comes back and sees that I posted crap, I’m going to get crane-kicked into non-existence. Book it.
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I had an old draft and I scrapped it. The idea was to make a post entirely in haiku format. That didn’t work (fail).
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I had another draft and scrapped that too. My master plan included drawings done using MS paint to help illustrate my thoughts and artificially increase the size of the post. Another total failure.
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So now here I sit in front of my machine at home after a 15 hour day at work. The cursor blinks. The blank space is mocking me. My bed, it beckons me. It tells me that I have an unbelievably busy weekend ahead of me, and that I need the rest. I cannot sleep until the draft of my post is done. For the fear of certain death. Blog gods, help me. By the power of grayskull, my mission must be a successful one.
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Perhaps if I sabotaged the blog and made a daring escape into Mexico? Pro: I get out of having to think of an awesome post. Con: half of the free world reads this blog. Capture would be imminent.
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The voices of dreamhood. They plot to destroy my thoughts of a good post. Their plan is to see that I finally meet my demise and then my ruins be cast off into Lake Michigan, where they want to celebrate my end with the feasting of cupcakes and the drinking of something pineapple tasting. I knows it.
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Or maybe I am just being paranoid.
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Consider my fate accepted. I must control my destiny. I was asked to guest post, therefore I must think of something. This is the time where I have to crack my knuckles and let these fingers do the work for once and not the readers. No five word post and run for this guy today.
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The lightbulb in my head needs to switch on. The idea machine in my closet needs a good dusting and the shaking off of the rust. If there was ever a time to shine, its now. The world is watching. Somewhere in the distance (San Fran), a small fist shakes in the direction of Chicago.
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I could use this opportunity to pimp out my blog and say “look, look at me!” I could use this opportunity to tell everyone what I’m doing this weekend. I could use this opportunity to tell a funny story of me in college. I could use this opportunity to tell you how I once met someone that was apparently a star on that show Laguna Beach (fact) but didn’t recognize them or even know of their existence until that very moment. Or I could just ramble on incoherently to meet my 50 word minimum. I do it all the time on my blog and some poor suckers keep coming back for more brain cell killing and mental/emotional punishment. It could work here, right?
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Uh oh, I sense that fist shaking again. Something tells me my last idea wouldn’t be up to par.
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But what should I post?
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I sure hope I can come up with ideas, so I can crawl back into my little known corner of the world where spam messages and hate mail make me feel loved. And important.
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Discuss