Dear Jenn,
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Right about now, you are probably rocking out with your what? out in San Fransisco with the creme de la creme of the blogging community. That’s why you left me in charge of your blog for the day. That was a bad choice. Why? Well, let’s look at your week compared to mine and determine my ranking on the bitterness scale.
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Number one: this is your birthday week, making it a natural celebration of your life thus causing your glorious fans to shower you with much deserved gifts.
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I, on the other hand, am a year younger than you yet am still facing the dizzying onset of a deteriorating figure, mental state and ability to keep it real with the MTV crowd. “When I was your age, there were music videos on those channels…not that Real World wotzit!”
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Bitter scale: 2/10
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Number two: you are in SanFran which is undoubtedly one of the coolest cities around. That’s not a formal statistic, mind you, but everyone thinks so. Who’s everyone? Well, I can’t reveal they’re names because they are so cool and so popular that they’d rather not be hassled for future city endorsements.
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I, on the other hand, continue to remain in Halifax where I get to stand in the rain hoping that my bus will come. Or, on fancy days, I get to stand in the sweltering heat hoping that my bus will come. Or, on SUPER DUPER fancy days, I get to stand in the pouring rain hoping that my bus will come.
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Spoiler: It usually doesn’t and when it does, I somehow end up in scary places like Columbia or North Korea.
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Bitter scale: 6/10
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Number three: you are surrounded by cool bloggers, talking about cool bloggy things and - let’s face it - are on a three-day bloggy bender where drunk twittering is encouraged and every one-night-stand is simply research for blog posts. (Hi Jenn’s mom!). I kid, I kid…one-night-stands are old news, it’s all about blorgies.
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I, on the other hand, had a beer today and it made me bloated and gave me heartburn. Plus, the only action I have to look forward to this evening will be a 12lb mini dachshund’s most dedicated efforts at shoving me off the bed. Sexy.
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Bitter scale: 9/10 (no blorgies make me cranky)
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So my dear, it is unwise to leave such a bitter blogger in charge of your online home because one such person might be inclined to litter his guest post with a variety of filthy keywords, invisible to the naked eye, to attract google-searching weirdos to your blog until the end of time. Mwuahahaha!
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Okay, I didn’t.
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I wouldn’t do that to you. Mainly because I realized that jealously is not worth ruining our lifelong love for one another. And you know what? Neither is geography! Wait for me Jenn, I’m coming! San Fransisco, ahoy!!!
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If only this bus would hurry up and get here.
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Much love, Ben @ No Ordinary Rollercoaster
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P.S. Calvin says bark. 
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12 users responded in this post
I’ve never even heard of a “blorgie.!”
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Is that just where a bunch of people blog together???
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That’s an awesome new term! (New to me, anyways!)
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Excellent post Ben.
I’m feeling a little bit bitter this week as well. You’re totally right about SF being one of the coolest cities around. I wish I could have gone!
I love that Calvin is slowly taking over the blogosphere, one guest post at a time.
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And I’m bitter too. Luckily I have some (hopefully) fun plans this weekend, or I’d be twittering bitterness all weekend.
“I get to stand in the pouring rain hoping that my bus will come.”
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Its like you’re Rob from High Fidelity. Minus the being a hipster doofus part.
If I weren’t on vacay, I’d be a heck of a lot more bitter about everyone frolicking in SanFran right about now. True story.
Where is this blorgie? It sounds fun.
Blorgie. Ha ha ha.
It’s a pretty decent week to be bitter, me thinks. Vacay in Sanfran (shortening words is the theme of the day) would be awesome right now.
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As for the blorgie, I won’t lie, I made it up to try to make Jenn’s mom blush. I don’t know what one is and I probably don’t want to know. However, it is trademarked in the hopes that it will make me money someday.
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And Dan? I’m more like the stapler guy in The Office.
Brilliant
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*adds Ben to list of people for when I need a guest blogger*
Hey Ben! Calvin is super cute and ummm, yeah, SF totally rocks!
I really feel your waiting-for-the-bus routine. On my “SUPER DUPER fancy days” I get to experience night sweats from the agonizing humidity in my basement bedroom. Summer kind of sucks, doesn’t it?
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*is officially an Old Fogey*
I was nearly tempted to head to San Fran just to hang around outside the doors and wait for everyone to finish at the conference, but then I wound up two states away anyway, so that idea backfired. Bitterness scale: 6/10.
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