Who knew I could be helpful?!

May

14

Filed In: Advice, Funny things

When I’m not busy making an ass out of myself at the gym or utilizing my awesome paint skillz, I’m also an advice columnist in my mind. Today, I’m thinking outside of the box and bringing that magic gift to F&F.
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(First I’ll talk about myself) Despite the amount of money I spend, I am not a shopper. I do not enjoy shopping all that much. I get tired and cranky and end up wasting money on something I don’t need (i.e. matching purse and wallet - for the record, they’re awesome.) Need a new TV? Computer? Phone? I’m your gal! Want to buy new shoes or a cute dress? Yeah, not so much. I am particularly uninterested in shopping for clothes. My relationship with wardrobe shopping has been a tumultuous one. I can’t tell Gucci apart from Prada. I don’t even know what or who Fendi is. Polka dots and stripes? Clash? No way. I cannot dress myself so pray to the lord you never need my opinion on anything but books, music, or technology.
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I am one of those girls with a small frame. I’m 5′1 (I like to round up thanks) and weigh slightly more than a pillow….stuffed with bricks. Anyway. I’m small okay? But I also have tits and hips ahoy! I’m a mythical creature in the eyes of designers. I am their unicorn. It is impossible for me to find pants that fit comfortably around my hips that aren’t too long. Tits ahoy prevent me from wearing a button down shirt because most pop open. If I buy one big enough to wrap around the boobalies, then it looks like my torso is swimming in it. So I just don’t like it. Shopping + Me = Disaster.
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(Watch me segue this into an advice post)
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The other day Binary Blonde commented on my post in which I mentioned that I shopped like a chick (when it comes to food). Here is her comment:
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I noticed you didn\’92t have any clothes in your shopping cart. Do you like to shop for clothes? \’91Cause I hate it. Always hated it and I suspect I always will. And now that I have to buy a whole new wardrobe to accommodate my baby bump, it\’92s making me crazy having to shop for maternity clothing. Any tips to make shopping less hellish? HALP!
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Dear Binary Blonde,
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You are correct. There were no clothes in my shopping cart. I have a love/hate relationship with clothes. I love looking at them, but my body hates wearing them. Perhaps I should consider a nudist lifestyle? Everything is better sans pants in my opinion. Anyway, I’m convinced the trying-on process is a waste of time because no matter how good you look in the fitting room mirror, some where between the time you pay for them and try them on again at home, they shrink, tear or completely deform your ass/boobs/hips. Don’t even get me started on bras!
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My advice to you:
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Make someone else shop for you. Avoid the lines, abandoned shopping carts and rude fitting room attendants. No muss, no fuss.
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What? You can’t afford a personal shopper (who can?!)? And you’re preggers? Well that rules out getting drunk first!
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My real advice:
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1. Plan ahead. Pick a day to go shopping when you know you have nothing else to do. Don’t go if all you want to do is be outside playing in the garden. For us non-shoppers it actually takes some effort to go shopping. We can’t be distracted by the list of things we could be doing at home instead. If you go there feeling crummy, the experience won’t be a good one.
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2. Budget. Make a list of what it is you need. This will limit the time you spend wandering aisle after aisle and getting boxed in by the little old lady and her shopping cart. You won’t feel as overwhelmed when you get to the store either. You’ll know what you want and head in the that direction. This can also help your wallet so you don’t go over board. No, you don’t *need* the matching socks.
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3. Baby steps. Limit your time in one store. If you don’t enjoy being in stores, don’t plan on spending your whole day in one. Plan to spend an hour shopping one day and hit up another store another day. You don’t have to buy for the next nine months right now.
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4. Have fun. Go with someone who really loves to shop, but make sure to explain to that person that they are there to help you, not themselves. Stick to your time limit. Those shoppers tend to wander off and lose you in the world of hangers, racks and shopping carts. Make a game out of it if you want. Find the most obnoxious outfits and prance around the fitting room. Laughter helps every situation \

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5. Stay open minded. I know that it’s difficult trying on clothes and getting frustrated with the way they fit, or don’t fit. Keep in mind that your body is changing for a good reason and not because you ate cheetos for dinner. Find something that will make you feel beautiful and complement your glowing face.
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If all of this fails, you can always make togas out of bed sheets. I won’t judge.
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Also, please keep in mind that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing or talking about 92 percent of the time

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21 Comments so far
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This is all fabulous advice! I have one of those impossible to fit bodies too. I’d also like to add, that if you find a designer or brand that fits well, write it down and shop online. I know the size__ pants in Sydney cut fit me, so now I can order online and not have to even set foot in the store! Bonus? They will email you when something goes on sale!

That’s why I shop online. Seriously.

I may not be with you on the whole hates-clothes-shopping thing, but I’m totally with you on the way clothes NEVER FIT me. (I think we may have the same dimensions).
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Can we chip in for a personal clothes maker?

I love your advice, even though I don’t mind shopping all that much, your tips are pretty smart

Nothing ever fits me either, but… I have a great tailor, the $7 to hem pants is well worth the time saved trying to find short pants. Everything looks better when it’s been tailored to fit you just right, I just budget that extra little cost into the price of anything I buy.

Ditto on the too long pants and popping open button down shirts. If I could, I would nominate myself for “What Not to Wear” and let Stacy and Clinton pick out my wardrobe for me

Excellent advice. I too am a non-shopper. Love clothes… want to design clothes, but still hate the act of shopping. The trying on… and those DAYS where everything in the store looks perfect but fits ridiculously bad. The biggest thing for me is I HAVE to be in the mood. HAVE TO. Otherwise I will walk aimlessly through each store while thinking of which cookie to buy from the cookie shop when I pass it… which will then make me feel like a fat oaf and not want to wear clothes.

I love shopping with/for other people. It’s fun giving my opinion for them. Me? Not so much. I tend to cry in fitting rooms and want to punch the mirror for making me realize how fat I am. I do enjoy fashion though, if only I was skinny and could enjoy it.

what fantabulous advice. I love to shop but not for clothes - Im a shoe and purse gal myself.

haha this was an awesome post. i can totally sympathize with you…im 5′4-3/4 [i'll take it all thanks] have a size 6 waist and a size 12 butt…soooo you know, it makes for interesting combinations. plus i have long”ish” legs [however long legs can be for under 5'5"...]
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however, i do love shopping, but i usually buy things i “like” at the time…then never want to wear again. my advice is: don’t buy it unless you absolutely LOVE it and know you’ll regret it for days…weeks…etc, after. [i regret not trying on very inexpensive J Crew suit sets...other than that, no purchase i haven't made, i regret].
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holy mother, this was a long comment.

and by “know you’ll regret it” i mean, regret if you DON’T buy it, of course

I totally feel you on the button down shirts thing. If you have boobs it’s impossible that get one that doesn’t look either slutty or like a garbage bag. All of my coworkers wear them constantly and I just want to pass them notes in meetings that say “seriously, your bra is hanging out amidst the gaping holes creating by your boobs.” I just don’t wear them.

I LOVE shopping for clothes and putting together outfits. I do it for several of my friends. I’ll trade you, you can shop for electronics for me (which I’m bad at) and I’ll handle clothing. Love it.

I much, much prefer online shopping to in-store shopping. Sure, I’ll go to the store with friends, or if I need something in a pinch, but trying on clothes in the privacy of my own home is so much better than in those horrid little cubicles with awful mirrors and bad lighting!

For not liking to shop for clothes, you certainly know HOW to do it! My mom hates to shop, and those tips are exactly what gets her through it. As for button-downs, I’ve got tits and hips too, but walmart (of all places!) had the best one I’ve ever worn. Cheap, too.

Wow, what great tips! Thanks for really, truly actually helping. I’ll keep them in mind when I have to shop for the dreaded maternity swimsuit soon.
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I have the hips and boobs thing on a smallish frame, too. I’m 5′4″. Pre-baby I was 110 lbs. with the measurements 32-24-33. So, yeah… I’ll be a unicorn right there with ya.
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I try not to cry when I go shopping, but I usually end up so frustrated (and tired - why does clothes shopping always drain the life from you!?) with the pile of clothes in the dressing room and nothing to show for it that I end up getting so pissed off, I cry. It’s pathetic really, but… ugh. I just HATE shopping for clothes.
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I’ll use your tips, and I think that they will actually help me. Thanks again!

You’re such a star. There are loads of girls who hate shopping (and just as many men who love it i’ll wager). I don’t mind it but i only ever shop for about 30 minutes at a time. any more than that and i want to hit things.
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and i have a dressmaker friend for important things

I’m even shorter than you, and have no curves at all. I weigh MAYBE 100 pounds on a good day.
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And I have to confess, I buy a disturbingly large portion of my clothes…especially jeans…in the young boys department…
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My old roomate is 5′7″ and skinny with big boobs. She has never seen an item of clothing that doesn’t fit her perfectly and make her look like she belongs in an Abercrombie ad. I hate…HATE…shopping with her. Totally unfair.

I went shopping for jeans today. I don’t know how many pairs I tried on, but I finally found ONE pair that fits okay. They are kinda long, so I will have to wear high shoes with them. I’m five feet tall and I have plenty o’ curves. If I find pants that aren’t too tight on my hips, then they’re too big for my waist. Petite curvy women are the hardest to shop for (so I’ve heard from Stacy and Clinton).

so true about shopper friends going to help themselves and losing them in a world of hangers…
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boyfriend loses me at least once everytime we go to Target. Thankfully, he’s learned where to look for me and has yet to leave without me. Damn stores not having good cell fone reception.

This is some GREAT advice. I hate shopping for clothing. Especially jeans. Trying stuff on SUCK. Plus, like Natalie, I’m petite (PAINFULLY so).
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I’ll keep this advice in mine.

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