Who knew I could be helpful?!

When I’m not busy making an ass out of myself at the gym or utilizing my awesome paint skillz, I’m also an advice columnist in my mind. Today, I’m thinking outside of the box and bringing that magic gift to F&F.
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(First I’ll talk about myself) Despite the amount of money I spend, I am not a shopper. I do not enjoy shopping all that much. I get tired and cranky and end up wasting money on something I don’t need (i.e. matching purse and wallet - for the record, they’re awesome.) Need a new TV? Computer? Phone? I’m your gal! Want to buy new shoes or a cute dress? Yeah, not so much. I am particularly uninterested in shopping for clothes. My relationship with wardrobe shopping has been a tumultuous one. I can’t tell Gucci apart from Prada. I don’t even know what or who Fendi is. Polka dots and stripes? Clash? No way. I cannot dress myself so pray to the lord you never need my opinion on anything but books, music, or technology.
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I am one of those girls with a small frame. I’m 5′1 (I like to round up thanks) and weigh slightly more than a pillow….stuffed with bricks. Anyway. I’m small okay? But I also have tits and hips ahoy! I’m a mythical creature in the eyes of designers. I am their unicorn. It is impossible for me to find pants that fit comfortably around my hips that aren’t too long. Tits ahoy prevent me from wearing a button down shirt because most pop open. If I buy one big enough to wrap around the boobalies, then it looks like my torso is swimming in it. So I just don’t like it. Shopping + Me = Disaster.
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(Watch me segue this into an advice post)
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The other day Binary Blonde commented on my post in which I mentioned that I shopped like a chick (when it comes to food). Here is her comment:
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I noticed you didn\’92t have any clothes in your shopping cart. Do you like to shop for clothes? \’91Cause I hate it. Always hated it and I suspect I always will. And now that I have to buy a whole new wardrobe to accommodate my baby bump, it\’92s making me crazy having to shop for maternity clothing. Any tips to make shopping less hellish? HALP!
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Dear Binary Blonde,
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You are correct. There were no clothes in my shopping cart. I have a love/hate relationship with clothes. I love looking at them, but my body hates wearing them. Perhaps I should consider a nudist lifestyle? Everything is better sans pants in my opinion. Anyway, I’m convinced the trying-on process is a waste of time because no matter how good you look in the fitting room mirror, some where between the time you pay for them and try them on again at home, they shrink, tear or completely deform your ass/boobs/hips. Don’t even get me started on bras!
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My advice to you:
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Make someone else shop for you. Avoid the lines, abandoned shopping carts and rude fitting room attendants. No muss, no fuss.
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What? You can’t afford a personal shopper (who can?!)? And you’re preggers? Well that rules out getting drunk first!
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My real advice:
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1. Plan ahead. Pick a day to go shopping when you know you have nothing else to do. Don’t go if all you want to do is be outside playing in the garden. For us non-shoppers it actually takes some effort to go shopping. We can’t be distracted by the list of things we could be doing at home instead. If you go there feeling crummy, the experience won’t be a good one.
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2. Budget. Make a list of what it is you need. This will limit the time you spend wandering aisle after aisle and getting boxed in by the little old lady and her shopping cart. You won’t feel as overwhelmed when you get to the store either. You’ll know what you want and head in the that direction. This can also help your wallet so you don’t go over board. No, you don’t *need* the matching socks.
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3. Baby steps. Limit your time in one store. If you don’t enjoy being in stores, don’t plan on spending your whole day in one. Plan to spend an hour shopping one day and hit up another store another day. You don’t have to buy for the next nine months right now.
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4. Have fun. Go with someone who really loves to shop, but make sure to explain to that person that they are there to help you, not themselves. Stick to your time limit. Those shoppers tend to wander off and lose you in the world of hangers, racks and shopping carts. Make a game out of it if you want. Find the most obnoxious outfits and prance around the fitting room. Laughter helps every situation \

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5. Stay open minded. I know that it’s difficult trying on clothes and getting frustrated with the way they fit, or don’t fit. Keep in mind that your body is changing for a good reason and not because you ate cheetos for dinner. Find something that will make you feel beautiful and complement your glowing face.
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If all of this fails, you can always make togas out of bed sheets. I won’t judge.
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Also, please keep in mind that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing or talking about 92 percent of the time