I’m going to whine about my relationship poo-poo. Those of you who don’t want me to harsh your mellow or whatever the cool kids are saying these days, go entertain your geeky side. Also I’m providing no disclaimer because I will not apologize for being mad or hurt.
\
****
\
Last night I was in an icky mood. I was curled up on my bed watching Lost and debating whether or not to eat my ideal date frog prince from Kristen. It was so cute and I felt bad eating it. I ate his crown and put him back in his box. Now he’s just a frog again. I wanted to start reading It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken, but I’m still not okay with being broken up. I can’t even bring myself to change my Facebook or Myspace status. I’d rather leave it at “it’s complicated” than call myself single.
\
\
Maybe it’s because of how things were left. I guess we never officially said we were broken up. I have a feeling if I were to ask, which is stupid, I would get an “I don’t know” in return. I think that’s what pisses me off the most about this. He just doesn’t know. How do you NOT know if you love me? How do you NOT know if you want me in your life? How can you NOT fight for this?
\
\
No, you know what pisses me off the most? That he let, no, that I let this get so far. If he was feeling unsure the entire time we were together, he never should have said he loved me. He should have never let me look at schools in Boston or apartments in Atlanta. I should have known better, but I trusted him. I’m mad at him for allowing me to get so wrapped up in him. I spent almost two years building a relationship that I thought was going somewhere and it turns out he’s the only one going. What the hell? Why do I have to take a back seat everything? If it wasn’t his job, it was a hockey or lacrosse game. Why did he even get into a relationship if he wasn’t ready to give all of himself? Why did he break my heart the way he did?
\
\
Why couldn’t he dig deep inside of himself and figure shit out and say “Jenn, I don’t want to be with you?” Tell me you don’t love me. Tell me you don’t think this will work. I hate the I don’t know. That’s what makes this hurt so much more, because he won’t grow a pair and tell me he doesn’t want this. He’s left it all up to me. I was the one who had to walk away. If I didn’t, we’d probably be doing this until he left for Iceland.
\
\
Ugh, Iceland. Why is Iceland better than me? I know, I know, it’s his career and it’s a great opportunity. But damnit. Why wasn’t I a factor in his decision? He already made his decision before he told me. Why not talk to me about it? Why push me away and make things worse? Can you believe he stopped saying “I love you” because he thought it would be easier for me? How would that be easier for me? It hurt not hearing “I love you.” I think he stopped because he just didn’t love me and couldn’t tell me that.
\
\
I cried last night when I saw Miranda and Steve holding each other on SATC (I keep relating my relationship poo-poo to this show, I’m sorry). I cried because I will never feel his arms around me again and I hate that. This would be SO much easier if I hated him or he was a complete dick. I try to get mad. I try to be furious that he hid his divorce from me. I try to be angry because of all the I don’t knows…and I am. I am mad. But it’s not working. I’m still very much in love with him and hate every minute of this.
\
\
I have to hide online because I don’t want to see his MSN status anymore. I don’t want to know what state he’s in or who he’s visiting because he’s not visiting me. He’s so good at hiding his feelings, too, so he’s probably already over it. The other day I came up with a list of things I missed about him when it hit me. No matter what I do, whether I pull away or grasp on, he’s not going to fix this. The chances of him changing his mind and flying to Chicago to surprise me are very slim. I need to accept that it’s over. I need to change my statuses and move on. His I don’t knows should be enough to motivate this healing process. But I’m still hanging on. He didn’t go out of his way while we were together so why should I expect any different now? Because some part of me wishes my love were enough.
\
\
Love isn’t enough sadly. Lesson learned.
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
Learning that love doesn’t really conquer all is an incredibly hard lesson to learn.
Reply
It is a lesson learned. I can relate to everything you are saying. My biggest question is do men ever quit being boys and learn how to breakup? Im uber proud of myself. I have been off MySpace forever now but I could always look up his profile if I wanted and find a pic of him and the new broad he claims he loves but I love myself too much to do that. You love yourself too much to deal with his away messages. I guess you have to learn to embrace the idea of moving on. Which is the hardest part IMHO.
Reply
I think he’s a coward for covering up what he probably does know with an “I don’t know.” Or he’s a coward for not taking the time to figure it the hell out. Either way …
Reply
This took me back almost four years ago. Your Iceland my Australia. The job reason was my “I want to live my life” reason.
\
\
And the not being a factor in the decision? Yip. I can still remember the night he told me. He went back to sleep and I sat staring at a wall.
\
\
If you ever need to vent, I am an email away.
Reply
Oh, Jenn, I’m sending internet hugs your way! Yeah, it sucks (believe me, I know), but I have complete assurance that you’ll figure it out and get there eventually. Key word there being eventually, because as much as we’d like the pain to be over in an instant, it doesn’t work that way.
\
\
And, frankly, he does kind of sound like a complete dick. You deserve so much better.
Reply
I’m sorry to hear about the “I don’t know”. Men believe that those 3 words are an actual answer, like saying it equals no further explanation. What he probably really means is “I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know what I want. blah I blah don’t blah know”
\
The way you feel right now is such a horrific feeling. I hope happy things come your way so you don’t have to concentrate on it. good luck.
Reply
i think most of us, as women, must have been able to relate to these situations. stopped saying “i love you” because it’s going to be easier? who is he to judge that?
\
\
however i applaud you for being so tough. i’m known as a tough girl but definitely not in this area. i got hurt for so many times and still cannot get over him.
\
\
are we all masochist and enjoy guys hurting us?
\
\
i wish you well and hope you move on. although usually, it’s not gonna be anytime soon.
Reply
i want to comment on how much i can relate to this. however, i don’t want the whole blogging world to know, so i think i’ll email you
Reply
I can relate, just like everyone else. I think you have an amazing amount of insight into a situation that sucks large and I’m impressed.
\
\
When this happened to me (Q:”Should I pay the rent this month, future-ex?” A:”Uh, no because I forgot to tell you I’m moving out in two weeks…”) I took it hard and handled it extremely badly.
\
\
You’re a tough cookie, but I’ll send you a *BIG HUG* just in case!
Reply
So sorry to hear that you’re going through all of this. It’s such a rough thing to think your life is going one way and then have it do something completely different. And miss someone and feel betrayed. Eat the whole damn frog.
Reply
I wish I had some great words of wisdom or something to say I completely related to you, but I don’t think anyone can say that. Just know that we’re all here for you! And sending hugs your way of course
Reply
I’m sorry you’re sad. It’s no fun and, well, time will heal your wounds. I think people in general allow things to get “this far” because they’re afraid of hurting others. As we grow older and know ourselves better and have hopefully matured some, it becomes less true, though it never completely goes away.
\
\
Read To Kiss The Cook today and then read this article she recommends …
\
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/04/fashion/04love.html?ex=1367553600&en=63b48978ffe4979b&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink
\
It will probably hit close to home (though do not expect answers, as you will not find them there).
\
\
Be good to you.
Reply
All I can say is, you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. And who will make every effort to be there for you. It sounds like this guy wasn’t able to do that for you. Which sucks, but now you just need to find someone who *will* be the man that you need. There is a whole big world full of fish out there, one of them will be what you’re looking for.
\
\
Don’t settle. You’re worth so much more than that.
Reply
I know you say it would all be easier if he was a douche, but truth be told? the way he is treating you is totally douchey! you’re looking beyond, but he is not respecting you as a friend or a girlfriend. You deserve someone who tells you how they feel, good or bad, who can man up to the responsibility of being in a relationship.
Reply
That is a hard lesson to learn. I think men say “I don’t know” when they are just to cowardly to say “I don’t.” I don’t know you, but it sounds like you deserve a lot better. The good news is that is sounds like you think so too. I hope it gets easier soon.
Reply
*hugs*
\
\
Letting go is definitely the hardest part…two things can happen: a.) you move on and find someone better b.) you’ll get back together someday…either way it’s good….my bf and I broke up when I moved away for school…but now we’re engaged…sometimes time apart is a good thing…
\
\
Oh and btw…I only know you from your blog and I know Iceland’s NOT better than you! hee hee
Reply
All -
\
Just for the record: He is a good person. I just think his relationship skillz aren’t good. I love him too much to let people call him a dick, douche or ass. Only I can call him an ass
Reply
Love isn’t always enough…it’s a rough lesson to learn. And what’s worse, you sometimes have to relearn it a few times in life. My only piece of what I think is sound advice is, keep being angry and sad until you’re not anymore. In my experience, trying to move forward too fast without really feeling it only makes it harder. Oh, and watch a funny movie with one of your BFFs! That helps, too.
Reply
Can I come and give a hug? Because I really want to.
\
You have every right to be frustrated, angry, confused, sad, everything.. this is hard, and obviously the confusion is making it 10x harder. I’m sending you hugs and hoping you get the clarity that you need
Reply
Letting go of a relationship you let yourself sink into is so hard to do. I think we’ve all been there at some point. Just be gentle with yourself, don’t place so much blame on yourself on why things didn’t work out. Sometimes, it’s just wrong – either the wrong person or the wrong time.
\
\
Coming from experience, time will heal those wounds of yours, but you have to trust yourself in letting him (and the relationship) go at your own pace. It took me over a year to “get over” a guy I had dated for over 2 years and broke off an engagement with (this was a long time ago, now).
\
\
Make sure to stay as positive as possible, but don’t apologize for feeling “poo-pooish” about it either.
Reply
Oh, Jenn… You made a list of what you miss about him…? Aww, hon, didn’t you know that would make you miss him more? Letting go WILL be hard, but it WILL get easier as you let yourself do it at your own pace. But you can’t dwell on “I don’t knows” since they aren’t “I’m certains.” I’m here for support, ok? I hope you know that!
Reply
wow, you know i’ve never been here before, and within the first hour of reading your blog i find:
\
\
-someone who had a breakup as profoundly slow, painful, net-stalking inducing, and confusing as one of mine
\
\
-kick ass stick figures
\
\
-a lolcat
\
\
-a link to a geek blog i am totally fanboy-ing all over (that’s yours!)
\
\
why am i always so late to the game? (subscribed.)
Reply
I’m with nico, although I’m a fangirl
Seriously though, I love your blog and I relate to so much of the stuff you write about. There’s really no easy way to get over something like this, you just have to get through it…
Reply
My advice? Just be sad. It is Ok to miss him and his arms and his smell.
\
\
You don’t have to jump right to anger or closure. That is not realistic. When my last relationship ended (badly!) I really had to take the time to get over it.
\
\
If I had jumped right into being OK I wouldn’t have healed properly.
\
\
So sorry you are so sad. But it is OK to feel that way.
Reply
You can just take your relationship status off facebook altogether. I had mine blank for several months (in fact, it was blank all the way through the process of dating Ex #2… He didn’t care, as he was “married” to his male best friend… but whatever).
Reply
Oh bud, I know EXACTLY what you’re going through. I don’t know how many times I asked myself with my ex… “Why won’t he FIGHT for me?!” It’s sad that the harsh reality is that if it was worth it to him… he’d be fighting, and he’s not. I’m so sorry bud. It took 5 months but now I found someone who will fight… and fights everyday by making the right choices. You will too, I promise. But you’ll probably have to start with letting go.
Reply
He WAS a coward for not telling you sooner. Don’t guys understand that it’s easier to be honest up front than to lie the whole way?
\
\
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I’m going to link love it because I really love the post (for the writing/rant… not because you’re in pain)
Reply
Oh my goodness do I know what you’re going through! I know hearing words of wisdom from a stranger doesn’t exactly mean the most, but still–believe me, I know how you feel. Just recently, I got out of a two year relationship that was, for over half of it, long distance. I was in love and saw white picket fences. We ended with him admitting he didn’t love me and that he had to do this.
\
\
Which led to tears and loads of SatC episodes.
\
\
So my advice? At the moment, it’s okay to miss him and not think he’s terrible. Be sad. And then be angry. Anger helps a bit too–even if it’s just yelling some random insults about him to your friends over cocktails.
\
\
But, rather than remembering the terrific times you had, think of what was wrong with the relationship, what wasn’t perfect. How he should have thought about you when making decisions. You’re what’s important now. It may feel impossible, but believe me…a few months down the line things do get easier.
Reply
Jenn…how does his leaving you hanging, not making you a priority, and not being fully ‘in’ your relationship not qualify him as a dick…? just wondering.
Reply
I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time. It will get better and you will find the better you deserve!
Reply
not much we can say to make it better. keep airing the poo-poo, though, that always helps. and we’re all here to listen. *hugs*
Reply
just clicked on your blog because google reader “suggested” it, and all i have to say is i understand all of this completely. it is more or less the story of my last two breakups (i feel like i am the idoit for putting myself through it twice). i know it doesn’t make it any better, but i understand…
Reply