Why my trainer makes the big bucks

May

8

Filed In: Funny things, Personal

After last week’s gym disaster I had to ask myself, “Is there any other way I can look like a complete ass at the gym?” The answer is yes.
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I am probably one of the least coordinated people in the world. I think my body might actually reject exercise that involves inflated balls. Balance is not my strongest skill. After six weeks working with my trainer, my body is beginning to adjust to a lot of the exercises. Now 20 walking lunges don’t bother me as much. Crunches are no match for these abs of steel! My glutes laugh as I press my back against the ball and move up and down against the wall. “I’m getting the hang of this!” I exclaim. My trainer, obviously trained by the Devil, laughed and told me today would be more intense. Bring it on fire breather!
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I….am stupid.
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Squats minus the ball against the wall are my arch-nemesis. Squats to me is what rain is to Sunshine Bear. Speaking of sunshine, did you know that I smell like rainbows and sunshine after working out? It’s true. Anyway, my Fire Breather thought it’d be swell to add some weight to my squats. As she demonstrates the exercise I nod my head agreeing that it should be easy and effortless. “Bring your butt to the floor,” she reminds me. “Yeah, no problem. Watch and learn chickadee!”
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That is most definitely somebody watching and laughing at me as I flop over in pain. Glutes…quads…can’t…must…fall…ahh…death. Once again my trainer is graceful and demonstrates how she can hold a conversation without seeming winded while doing 20 squats. If I could show my legs shaking in a simple Paint picture, I would.
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But oh, that’s not it. After a short break she’s all excited to show me a fun exercise. I’m hide my frown and pray to the exercise gods that I’m not wrestling a dinosaur. No, no…it’s even worse. She brings out the exercise ball. Why? Do we not remember what happened last week? My body rejects the ball. There’s some type of gravitational mix-up with that ball. The stars realign and the Earth shakes. Somewhere there is a pig flying out of someone’s ass. “We’re doing leg kickbacks,” she happily announces. “Woo hoo!” I try to fake enthusiastic. Not one to give up, I grab my big girl panties out of my ass and waddle over to her ready to give 110%. Inside my head I’m flexing and growling. “Yeah! I can do this. Grrrrr!”
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Not so much. I’ve managed to flip over the ball and land on my back rather than my stomach. How? I don’t know. It must be the incredible balancing skills I have. I’m going to blame it on the Earth shaking. (By the way, my hair never looks like that at the gym.) Defeated, I give up on the ball. My trainer holds back giggles as we walk over to one of the machines. Let’s end the session on a good note and do some oblique work.
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Lesson learned from this week’s gym visit: Somebody should pay me to go to the gym. Oh and uh, I need to tighten my core.

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I love the ball! I used to sit on one at my computer desk at home. lol

Hillarious!! Have I mentioned I love your paint skills - they are killer. I need a trainer because I am pathetic and lack motivation. Good ol’ J to the O to the E from RW is probablly available then again he may threaten my life.

i love your illustrations SO FANTASTICALLY MUCH. they made me snort out loud! twice!

I’m curious about what the little red X is supposed to denote? Crossed arms? Crossed legs? (I think you’re blog has rejected your awesome paint skills)

I love your gym adventures! Makes me feel better to know that there are others out there who also have ’situations’ at the gym

I heart your gym stories. I’m glad someone else has a body that generally rejects exercise.

You are my hero for the week for the Care Bear reference.
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“Squats to me is what rain is to Sunshine Bear.” Awesome!

Hi! I’m new to your blog. I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I have fallen of that GD ball more times than I care to remember. One of those times I actually had a trainer and a friend trying to hold me in place and I STILL fell off.
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Keep at it, if you gain success maybe I will try again. Maybe.

And I meant “off” not of. I swear I can spell.

wow you have a trainer! I just go by myself so no one can inflict pain and torture on me. I’m all “you’re doing great!” while carrying 8 lb weights!

poor Jenn!

If you fail at becoming the next body-building queen, you clearly have a career as an illustrator. Love the drawings!

The illustrations definitely need to be a regular feature.

Maxie -
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I have one at home that I *try* to sit on while at the computer. We’re currently on a time out.
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K -
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Thank you. I’ve had many years of practice. Joey from RW would terrify me. I’d throw the ball at his face and run.
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Alice -
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Thanks
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Nuttycow -
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I do hate the little red X of doom.
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Nicole -
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“Situations.” I like that!
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Ben -
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I also reject taxes.
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Struggling Writer -
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Yay! This gives me an excuse to buy a cape!
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Katie -
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Hello and welcome! I’ll keep trying \

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Tiff -
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If I didn’t have a trainer I’d go there and pat myself on the back for walking on the treadmill for 10 minutes. I need to be pushed.
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Jamie -
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I’m SOOOOO going to wear my Frankie Says Relax shirt to work out.
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Nilsa -
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Really? Hmm….I see a children’s book in my future. Stick man goes to the gym!
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Modern Gal -
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I’ll see what I can do about that

Yeah, I love the illustrations!
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Falling off the exercise ball is why I work out at home. I do it often.

I am so scared of the medicine balls at the gym, I have absolutely no balance too. So don’t worry, if I ever try it I’ll let you know.

Oh what a riot!! I love medicine balls though so I don’t share your pain. However, I’ve been bad about going to the gym so GO JENNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!

I’m sorry that you had to suffer, but man oh man you crack me up!

Oh, man! I love your illustrations, though.

Oh man. I once was trying to jump over a small hurdle at the gym but instead landed ON it, shattering the whole thing. My work out buddies doubled over in laughter. I’m glad I’m not the only one with “coordination difficulties”

oh Jenn, i feel your pain *literally*
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today, i was jogging away on the treadmill, when my precious ipod nano jumped from my hand, hit the treadmill track, and FLEW!
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thank god it survived it’s moments airborne, but my pride didn’t \
keep up the amazing work (and pics from paint!)
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The ball, she is my enemy too. But I have to trainer, so I can just ignore the ball.

You crack me up. I seriously need to get a trainer. Actually, I just need someone to come over and drag me to the gym. It’s practically across the street, but I always talk myself out of going. I’ll think- hmm, I can only go for a half hour and they’ll probably laugh at me for being there for such a short amount of time.. so, I’d better just wait ’til I can spend more time working out. Except, I never can. I suck at the gym thing. Maybe I’ll start doing wall squats in the comfort of my own home. Maybe

Dammit, Kinga!!!! Why must you torture Miss Jenn?!!?
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LOL ohhh man this had me in stitches. So glad you opted to write about your gym excursions!!!
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You’ll get it my dear….someday haahaha

Might I just say that reading this post gave me the biggest case of the giggles I’ve had all day. I think it’s the stress associated w/the morning and the fact that I am TIRED.. but in all seriousness? I NEEDED THAT
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THANK YOU!
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the pictures are, by far, the best

Haha, I love your gym illustrations! I need to go to the gym tomorrow….

hahah! Seriously, good for you though. I recently joined the gym and have been a good little girl going every day. BUT I am still working up the guts to start with a trainer. The guys who work there intimidate me I probably should use my training sessions though as I get 2 free and they cost $100 each!! You must be proud of yourself!

Um, I want a trainer!
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Was that not the point of this post, haha?

JENNNNN ahahaha. you win best drawings EVER award.

I have never used one of those workout balls, but I will do the SAME THING as you whenever I do. Seriously. Also, I want a trainer, preferably a fire-breather who will run behind me and crack the whip whenever I want to walk so I can get my ass in shape…

Why do trainers persist in trying to make you do things your body doesn’t understand…is it part of masochism training school?
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Mine is review me again in 2 weeks so expect sweary posting from me about it then!

Oh my god that makes no sense. Re-arrange that last comment into English and you’ll see what i meant!

Seriously these pictures make my day every time. AMAZING GRAPHIC SKILLZ. \

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And I did a dance class last night that kicked my butt… so I feel your pain.

your gym stories make me giggle. Your paint skillz = awesome.
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<3

That was an awesome post - well done!
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Also, your hair looks perfect if you ask me.

LOVE the Paint skills. Yeah I’m skeptical/afraid of the exercise ball mostly because I know I’ll flip over or land on my butt with 10 pound weights in my hand. But I would like to get one to work my core at the office, if possible.

Umm… I’d be worse than you I think. My core is flabby.. very flabby.
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And awesome post (linking this too)

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