In an episode of Sex and the City, Carrie compares her relationship with Big to that of a sadist and masochist. This sparked an idea in my quirky head to compare my relationship poo-poo to hers.
In this episode, Big nonchalantly told Carrie that he might have to move to Paris for work. He of course did this right as he was leaving for a business trip. But don’t worry, it should only be seven months to a year. Details weren’t finalized yet. Switch Paris with Iceland and business trip with Valentine’s Day and that’s my story!
Carrie begins to freak out. How long did he know this? How long was he going to wait before he told me? Why aren’t I a factor in his decision-making process? Been there. Mid freak-out, Big tells Carrie not to get carried away. Classic.
As usual Carrie processes her feelings in front of her laptop while spewing relationship genius to the rest of us:
“In love relationships, there is a fine line between pleasure and pain. In fact, it’s a common belief that a relationship without pain is a relationship not worth having. To some, pain implies growth. But how do we know when the growing pains stop and the pain pains take over? Are we masochists or optimists if we continue to walk that fine line? When it comes to relationships, how do you know when enough is enough?”
This episode makes me think of my relationship with Mr. Not Super Fuck Yeah. A while back I used an S&M-ish analogy to explain how I felt about our relationship. I felt like I was dangling from a rope across the room just waiting for him to walk in and cut me down. I’d wait and wait for him to just notice me. He’d come make sure I was still hanging and then leave the room. The part that frustrated me was that I was holding the scissors in my hands. I could free myself at any moment, but instead I hung around waiting. When did I become the masochist?
Big later tells Carrie to move to Paris for herself, not for him. He doesn’t want her to uproot her life and expect anything. Carrie throws a big mac and filet o’fish at his TV realizing she’s an idiot for putting up with this. Big, as usual, is calm and appears to not understand why she’s so upset. I wish I had the opportunity to do that but having a long-distance relationship prevents you from fighting in person. Big tells Carrie that it isn’t about their relationship, it’s about work. Carrie, love that girl, tells Big that it’s about him getting so freaked out about them getting closer that he needs to put an entire ocean between them.
I can totally relate. I empathize with her frustration. One minute he’s in love, the next he’s pushing her away. The hot/cold games and the “I don’t knows” are enough to make any woman freak out a bit and not “calm down” when told to by the man who’s breaking her heart.
When Carrie tells Big she can’t do this anymore, he says he understands and lets her walk out. Way to put up a fight there big guy. But because this is TV, Big shows up at her apartment and makes love to her. That so did not happen in my version.
“I was the real sadist. He might be the one with the whip, but I was the one who tied myself up. I tied myself to a man who was terrified of being tied down.”
Hello! Let’s go back to that analogy about me dangling on that rope. I’m the sadist. I had the scissors and I let myself hang for months.
Did she ever love Big? Or was she addicted to the pain of loving someone who was so unattainable? Obviously as the episodes progress we see that yes she does love Big and Big isn’t a complete ass hat. But let’s stay in this episode. Carrie and I are pretty much living the same life….except I can’t afford her apartment or shoes and nobody is paying me $4 a word to write this blog.
So now I pull away. Some part of me is holding me back, telling me I’d gone too far and reached my limit. I cut the rope…
Moral of this post: I should be on TV.
Post-published disclaimer: I’m not writing this to turn people against anyone or be malicious in any way. I’m simply venting. I’m pretty bitter about how things went down and if I indirectly or unintentionally hurt anyone, I apologize.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
I love how everyone can relate to something about SATC. Great post – and you’ll feel really good about cutting yourself off soon. Promise!
xoxo
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I love this post. Clueless Cat is right- everybody can relate to the show in some way. And you’re totally right in this situation. It’s completely normal to be bitter and left confused and frustrated over the situation. The ventings good, it’ll help. Keep your head up. And boy do I know about those long distance fights..
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Knowing you have the scissors is the first step, actually getting the balls to cut yourself down is so much further down the track. It’s so much more difficult in a long-distance thing because you don’t ever want to fight in case the meaning gets misconstrued and you aren’t able to make up again so you tend to leave yourself hanging longer.
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Being bitter is good, it means you’re less likely to find yourself in a similar situation again because you will always remember this feeling and never want to repeat it.
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aww, you don’t need a disclaimer on your own blog to talk about how you’re feeling. It doesn’t sound bitter at all, just raw and honest and introspective-like.
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sometimes i wish i could print out your posts, hand them to the not-so-ex and say “this is how i feel”. ugh. men.
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p.s. you shouldn’t have to apologize for anything on your own blog – that’s why it’s YOURS!
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are you watching the entire show on dvd or something? or do you really know episodes well enough to quote this many to so many of your personal experiences?
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I love when SATC can relate to real life! I love this post, and I’m glad you were strong to snip the rope. You seem to have fallen very gracefully from what you were tied to. That is very admirable!
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Don’t apologize for your post, it’s your blog, vent as needed. The part about hanging from a rope hit me like a ton of bricks.
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One thing I’m not quite sure you get is how much you inspire other people. By being so bold, strong and free, you give others permission to do the same, to demand better for themselves. Thanks for that.
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Don’t forget what happens when he goes to Paris: Natasha.
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And, I think your venting is good, it will help you get where you need to be, so don’t apologize for it!
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hey there. i agree with michelle, don’t apologize. you have a good thing going here! also i realized that i kinda stole i.e. borrowed your currently thinking theme in my blog post yesterday. i thought about it this morning and i was like shit, i should have linked jenn in this. i’m sorry!!!
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Jenn…. You have every right to feel the way you do. Don’t apologize for being human and experiencing human emotions.
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You’re a fabulous and emotionally mature person. And that is how you expect to be dealt with… And you should expect, in return, others to deal with you the same way.
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Sometimes though, people are emotionally handicapped. Be proud of who you are and what you feel though, Jenn. And always feel free to talk about it on your blog. It’s your space.
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you’re amazing, and… i’m dealing with my own relationship mess right now, and this was what i needed to hear. i hope youre doing alright… xoxo
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god, i keep reading over this, reading your anaology about being in the room tied and having the scissors to free yourself and i seriously just want to sit here and cry. i feel that. i know exactly what that means and i don’t know what to do. i know our situations are completely different, but your post was awesome. now? i’m off to do some serious soul searching. ha. xoxo
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We should all be on TV, I think. A SATC, the truth is soooo there.
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I always found it ironic that then she DID go to Paris with stupd Petrovsky. Grrr.. Oops. sorry.
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Well, that wasn’t the first time Big ever moved away and told her last minute. He did that before, when he moved to Napa. And, remember, when SHE’S in Paris with Aleksandr (I think that’s how you spell it in Russia?), and he hits her, Big saves the day and sweeps her off her feet. Well, ok. Maybe that makes Big sound a little too heroic, but he’s human. And doesn’t everyone have one of those love me/hate me relationships that never seem to work out the say you want them to? I guess we’re just going to have to watch the movie when it comes out at the end of the month to find out what happens!!
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ANYWAY, enough about Sex and the City. LISTEN, you’re growing, and as tough as this is, it’s only going to make you a better person in the end, you know? Be strong and hang in there (ahem, maybe not “hang”–regarding your analogy–haha. Sorry that was a dumb pun). It’ll get easier. Pretty soon you’ll stop being bitter and you’ll be appreciative of what you’ve learned from the whole ordeal. THINK POSITIVE (that’s my life’s mantra!!)!
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every time i read your posts about your relationship, i find myself NODDING furiously and totally sympathizing with that you are going through because i am/have been dealing with such a similiar situation. long distance and all. not that i want you to feel any pain, but it is nice to hear (read) that someone else understands what it feels like to be holding the scissors for so long and not be able to use them.
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http://chicagowithdrawal.wordpress.com
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–Just another blog on Chicago, although, I admit its a little darker, you might like it, yours was a “generated link” to one of my articles
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I love your SATC posts! I’m getting more and more excited about the movie. For a while I was convinced it would be terrible and I had no interest, but I’m getting more psyched and think it’ll be a lot of fun.
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I think we’ve all stayed a little too long on the tightrope at some point or another.
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Cutting the ties doesn’t mean you’ll fall it means you’ll be able to walk freely
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Or something like that.I’m not too good with metaphors.
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Jenn this was beautiful (per usual) although this is painful to read and know what you are going through.
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As we saw with those episodes late Saturday night-it’s always about Big, isn’t it? All about Mr. Super Not Fuck Yeah, too.
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Sometimes we just want someone to acknowledge us, save us, tell us that they want us to be around.
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But the one person who won’t do it is the person we want to do it the most.
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Here’s to him doing whatever the hell he’s doing in Iceland, and you kicking ass back at home.
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Trite as it sounds, you deserve the world. And he isn’t willing to share his with you.
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Therefore?
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Moving on, and looking forward to what’s next.
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xo
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(why did like 5 of your posts all show up at once for me in reader? dear google: GAH)
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this was a beautifully written post. i think every girl reading this was nodding along with it.
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Great post and writing. I love how you mirrored your own life against what you saw on SATC. I wouldn’t worry about anything you wrote about, just as the others said, this is your blog, your journal to put whatever you like. You did not mention any names, so there is not reason to worry.
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although i’m not in an LDR, i can TOTALLY relate to the hanging and scissor part! exact thing happening to me. we can always use the scissor to cut it, and yet we just hang there and do nothing. like i said in your more recent post, are we all masochist??
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or maybe we’re just being girls.
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That was one of the few times I really didn’t want to kill Carrie, because while I love SATC like any other female, she made me crazy with her attitude sometimes. But in this case, yea love. So true.
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It is amazing what we will put ourselves through once we’ve been in a relationship for a bit. I would never have put up with some of the stuff with my ex had it started as soon as we started dating… but years in, you start making up excuses.
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