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I’m going to agree with Clueless Cat and say that breaking up is NOT so hard to do. It’s the letting go process that really challenges you. It’s accepting the fact that you’re no longer an us or a we, but rather an I. It’s becoming used to seeing reminders of the failed relationship everywhere whether it be a happy couple who seem to be rubbing their relationship in your face (they’re not), or a song, movie, poster, picture, etc.
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While watching SATC the other night, Carrie spent the episode going through breakup rules. None of them really mattered much to me but I did enjoy one rule:
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Destroy all pictures in which he looks sexy and you look happy.
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While I won’t destroy them, I’m having a very difficult time taking them out of frames and putting them in a box. At the same time, looking at them only confuses me more. I miss him. I don’t want to let go, but I know the only way we’ll be able to have a friendly relationship in the future is if I take some time for myself to heal and make that transition. It just doesn’t feel right. It’s going to be incredibly difficult for me not to email, IM, text or call him. I know one day I’ll be okay, but for now, is it okay if I’m not?
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So Mr. Breaking Up Is Hard To Do, you lied. Maybe it’s time for you to write a new song!
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi hon, time to yourself will be awesome. Ok, not AWESOME, but it’ll be good. I put all the important stuff he gave me away as soon as I returned to NYC, but only recently took down the pics of just me and him (there are still a couple group shots, but it’s ok cause it was before we were a ‘we’.) Take your time, you’ll make it out alive and even better, I promise
(And in the meantime, I’m here if you need anything at all!!) xoxo
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It is so ok for you to not be ok. Taking the time to heal is super important, it affects all of your future relationships, romantic or friendship. Rally around your friends and make sure you have the support you need.
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A rare discenting voice (and not meant in a harsh way) but I’m not sure you can ever be friends with those whom you’ve had a relationship with. In my (limited) experience, it tends to muddy the waters a bit. I could be wrong though.
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I agree that it is difficult to start thinking in the singular again. Luckily, I haven’t had to do it for a while.
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Breakups are so hard. Taking time to grieve is absolutely allowable. Sure, nobody died, but sometimes it sure feels like it. I think exes can most certainly be friends (fiance and I both have some very close friends that are our exes), but it generally turns out best in the friend department when there is a decent length of time that you don’t call/text/talk/email each other.
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Think of a breakup as a great way to learn – both about yourself and what you want/need in a partner. Although I hated every breakup I had, I cherish them all now for the things I learned that led me to be a better person, both as a partner and as an individual.
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Breakups are hard, but the emotional fallout afterwards is so much harder.
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I used to think I was friends with my exes but it just gets so confused that i’d rather not be at all now.
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As for the pictures, yes, get rid…completely if you can. delete his numbers and messages and keep out of contact
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L x
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It’ll get easier. And you’ll meet someone new and will be so glad you don’t have those pictures lying around.
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The not contacting ‘em part really IS the hardest thing.
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I’m HORRIBLE at not doing it – so I delete folks when that time comes.
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I had to force myself to let go of my ex, basically because he had a girlfriend. So I destroyed all pictures, deleted his number from my phone, threw away all gifts he ever gave me, and removed all friendships from him (facebook, myspace) And to be honest, it really worked! Instead of crying over our one year relationship, and trying to get him back, I just wiped him from my memory and moved on with my life. That’s the only advice I can give, but I do realize it may not work for everyone. Plus I was really really hurt and angry, which added fuel to the fire! A rebound always helps too
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Change all his contacts to mine and replace pictures of ones of us, obviously.
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Also, we should invest in Friends box set after we are done with SATC. It’s therapeutic!
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good luck, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and i still have pictures of my ex’s up. I think its time i take them down.
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Hi Jenn- I’m really sorry to hear that things ended up this way. I know you’ve been struggling for some time now with your relationship, where it was going, and what direction you wanted it to go. Getting through something like this is never hard, no matter how long or short of a time elapsed with that person. If you want to cry; cry. If you want to have time to yourself for a while, take it. You need to give yourself an opportunity to sift through the pieces and come out stronger than ever before. Changes won’t happen overnight, but it is healthy to be very very sad, confused, and somewhat lost right now. Let your friends lift you up and take care of you. Saturday will be a great time, and I can’t wait to see you and give you a huge hug.
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*hugs hugs hugs*
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i don’t think you need to destroy the pictures… but i’d definitely put them out of sight for a while. give yourself time to heal and recover without having to be faced with reminders of him everywhere.
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but it still sucks HUGE BALLS. every fucking song seems to be “meaningful” now. time, healing, wounds, blah blah blah. and – i agree, a rebound is helpful 
you’re so, so right. it’s the aftermath that is 100x harder. i have the benefit of knowing my ex is a spineless asshole who left me for a conniving whore, so you know, that’s helpful in getting over things
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*more hugs*
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It takes time to get over break-ups. That’s for sure. Don’t deny yourself those moments. The hard ones. The ones where you want to kick and scream. You’ll come out a stronger woman on the other side. And with time, you will find someone who will treat you with all the respect and love and admiration you deserve!
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After my big breakup, it wasn’t so hard for me to take the pictures out of frames and put them in boxes. The big challenge was not getting them out later to look at.
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I have a big problem with people saying, “Ok, take a week to be sad, and then get over it.”
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Following that advice made me cut off emotions before they were ready to be cut off, and now I’m still having trouble dealing with them.
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Oh my god, it is perfectly 100% fine not to be OK. And sometimes I want to slap people that say, “I know you can’t see it know, but you’ll be fine”
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My strategy has always been just go with all of it. Ride it out. Burn photos, delete contacts do whatever you need/want to do. Sooner or later (always later in my case) it gets a little bit better.
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Thinking of you
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xxx
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Aw Jen I really wish I had some amazing advice or something about break ups, but I’m pretty naive at it myself. I just hope that it eventually gets easier and you’re able to get yourself back to normal. Sending lots of hugs your way. xo
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Of course its ok if you are not ok right now. Breaking up is hard, or as you so elequoently stated: its the letting go that’s hard. Our emotions are powerful things, we need time to heal after our hearts have been hurt. Time to grow into our new improved selves.
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Sorry, **eloquently
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Pays to proofread before clicking submit!
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Just make sure you’ve got a good support system outside of your ex. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself running back to him when you’ve got nowhere else to go. (for instance.)
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*hugs* of course it is okay to not be okay right now. lean on your friends…thats what they’re there for <3
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“Breaking up is hard to do” flows a little more evenly than…say…”letting go emotionally and not being hung up on some dumb boy is hard to do”.
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For me, breaking up was harder than getting over it. I knew on April 29th (a year ago today) that things weren’t working. I tried to break up with him for weeks. We actually broke up on June 9th.
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I had a new guy by June 20th.
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So don’t rewrite the old song. Just write a new one to go with it.
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I know what you mean, bud. I didn’t have the strength to take down the pictures one-by-one so I just threw them (in their frames) into a box and put it the attic somewhere.
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I’m still not to the point where I can IM him without feeling weird pangs, but I know I’ll get there someday…and so will you.
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*hugs*
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after i went thru a really rough breakup late last year, i read the book “It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken”
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best thing i ever did. i’d pass along my copy to you, but it’s highlight for future reference (which i hope i never have to read again)
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it’ll get better. i promise.
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While they are easy to make happen, going through them and picking up the pieces is hard to do. Taking time to heal is the most important thing.
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When my ex and I broke up, we worked together so I still had to see him every day. It took me SO MUCH LONGER to move on simply because I was around him all the time (and he was doing his best to make me pay attention to him). It’s tough.
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*hugs* It’ll get better. Promise.
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