Oops…forgot a title | Free and Flawed

I think I’m pretty honest in my blog. I rarely have one of those moments where I stop myself from writing something because someone I know reads this. I’m a fairly open person and sometimes I think I might share too much. I’ve given my blog URL out to family members in hopes that they’d read it. I think my mom might be the only regular but that’s okay.
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I did decide to take the link off my outgoing emails only because I didn’t want to make it easier for future employers to find me Not that I have anything to hide. If you’re not going to hire me because I write about plasma sperm, well, that sucks, but I don’t want to work for someone who doesn’t has a sense of humor. Anyway…I’m getting off track.
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Today I’m having one of those “crap” moments. I want to write about what’s currently happening to my relationship. I want to express my frustration with myself and him. I want to be bitter and immature. I want to complain about all the shit I put up with. I want to throw a mini tantrum even though I know none of it will help. I want to reminisce about past trips and warm hugs.
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There is so much I want to say but feel like I can’t because he reads this. Not only him, but some of his friends. I don’t want him to stop reading it either because I still feel like he’s connected some how. I just don’t want to verbally attack him or seem like I am belittling him on my blog. I don’t want my readers hating the person I describe. A selfish part of me doesn’t want to come off as the bad guy. Er, girl.
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I don’t want to make it harder for him to have to read my words and see what I am going through. My intent is not to make him hurt more. While I don’t necessarily feel that he would, I have an underlying guilt issue and worry too much about the wellbeing of others. Would he even care? I doubt anything would change. Obviously I shouldn’t care. He’s putting me through this. But is he? I’m the one who chose to stay with somebody who couldn’t give me what I needed. So why should I take it out on him?
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I think I’m so angry right now that I’d probably writing things I’d regret anyway. It sucks. I know that some day I will write about what’s going on and he can choose to read or not to read. I can’t control anyone’s reactions. it’s times like these I wish I had an anonymous outlet so I could be as raw and honest as I’d like.

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16 Comments so far

Hmm… I know your dilemma, Jenn. I too would like to write even more detailed about my personal life… But I can’t, even though I use a “handle” on my blog.
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It’s tough. But, to be honest, I think some of teh frustrations you have with him as a boyfriend are similar to the frustrations some of us have had with him as friends.

I’ve considered starting a completely anonymous blog for days and times like this. I’m sure one day I will…

I struggle with this a lot as there are days when I want to be brutally honest about issues I see happening in my workplace. I’ve started password protecting my posts about my classroom so that I can vent, but still get support from my bloggy support system.

Sometimes I want to mention things on my blog that are bothering me with my husband. But he reads it, his brother reads it, the rest of the family reads it. They aren’t serious things, but I want to vent sometimes.
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A lot of people have recommended starting a second blog to me, but it would be so much work, and how would I decide which posts go where?
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Sometimes I try to write vaguely about things, but I hate that too. It feels so fake.
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I don’t know what to do

I think you should write everything you want. It’s a great cathartic outlet for feelings. Maybe do an anonymous guest post for someone. Maybe start a tumblr account?

I could have totally written this blog, word for word. I have a second blog that only one other person knows about, and it’s all random shit. I still don’t write what I REALLY want to write, because I can’t. I don’t know why…
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If you ever need a non-judging rant, let me know. I may pay it back one day too!

Damn straight. I feel like this is probably the #1 issue that comes up around here. I think about starting an anonymous blog a few times a week. But then I would still up wanting to be known in some ways and I’d be right back where I started.
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I hate that this shit is going down. Hopefully we don’t wait till May if you need a cupcake klatch.

Thats tough - its one of the main reasons i started my blog on wordpress. I did blog on MySpace where everyone knew me (family, friends, etc). You need a venting post, blogging, journaling, something!

I totally know how you’re feeling. I was debating for a while whether to tell my (ex)bf about my blog, but everyone told me not too so i didn’t, and i’m so glad i didn’t! maybe you could do a password protected post? (haven’t tried that yet myself…)
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i hope you’re feeling better, email me anytime if you just wanna vent (or for whatever)!

i can completely relate to this post jenn. after my breakup last year i kind of let loose and wrote whatever i wanted knowing he was reading. sometimes i regret it because i did it out of anger, but other times i’m glad that i wrote down how i really felt at that time in my life so if i ever look back i can remember.

I’m in a funked up headspace at the moment, and I can’t really come up with anything witty or helpful.
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I will offer cyber hugs though.. so..
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:::HUGS:::

i feel you sister. that has got to be tough hunny. you’re a smart girl and you’ll figure out how to fix the situation.
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but don’t forget what YOU want.

maybe a paper journal or something? you need to let it out!!

welcome to the reason my blog is currently private….blech.
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email me if you need to chat about it…god only knows I can use some girl chat! kdub429 at gmail dot com

When I was breaking up with my bf, it was the same thing. I knew that he was still reading, and I knew that other people we know were reading, so I couldn’t use my blog for a feelings outlet. So what I did was just write stuff down in a word document. Sure, I didn’t get the “we’re with you” comments that I kind of wanted, but it was cathartic, and now that the worst part of the storm has passed, I’m glad I didn’t say anything publicly in a moment of passion.

i agree with Noelle in finding another outlet for your feelings.
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blog friends and the blog world are great…but there is a separation in my mind between the blog world and I hate to say it, but the REAL world.
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some things are not meant to be public, but private. or shared with close individuals, or worked out on your own.

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