My dad is an endless source of frustration for me. While I feel a certain loyalty toward him, we don’t have a very good relationship. Whether he sees it the same way, I am not sure. To him, I believe I am still the small eight-year-old girl asking to go swimming with her Barbie dolls. That girl was appeased by toys, clothes and movies. This big girl, while I still long for big-girl toys, clothes and movies, I need much more on an emotional level from him.
\
\
Without getting into too many details, seriously there is not enough time in the day to begin this story, I will share a current frustration. He is unreliable. On all accounts. Now I don’t say completely unreliable because at some point, he will usually come through. But that is after a lot of arguing, crying, yelling and drinking. It takes a certain skill in manipulation to get things done. I have to trick him into believing it was his idea or it will some how benefit him more than me. I learned this at a very young age. Having divorced parents played well to my advantage. If my mom didn’t buy me Barbie’s dream house, my dad sure did. As I grew older, I used this power for good. Eff Barbies! I feel bad that I have to trick my dad into doing what’s right, but then I remember all of the years he didn’t pay my mom child support and I feel less guilty.
\
\
Don’t get me wrong….my dad is a good man. He really does have a kind heart. I believe deep down, well, I hope, that he genuinely cares about the people who still choose to be in his life. He’s just…sick. Last year he lost his house because the taxes were not paid on this. Now, I don’t really know whose fault it is. I’m not trying to point blame. I do believe he had an equal part in the loss of the house, but I have since given up arguing about it. I know how to pick my battles. He has since been living in a tiny one-bedroom apartment with my Aunt Linda who is a hoarder. The dog remains in the kichen since he is yet house broken and nobody has taken the time to train him. I am guilty of this. We’ll focus on that issue another day.
\
\
The living arrangements are less than ideal. When he’s not sleeping on the floor in her apartment, he’s staying on a futon with his “girlfriend” in his apartment. What’s what? Why did I call it his apartment? Oh, because it is his apartment. He bought some random woman who he claims to love an apartment. So not only is he paying Linda’s rent (she lost her job), he is paying some other chick’s rent. As somebody who is living pay check to pay check, he sure made a stupid move opting to pay two rents rather than move into a bigger place. But…again…I’m choosing my battles.
\
\
He has been seeing a lawyer about getting his house back. It has been up for sale for nearly a year now. I think it’s overpriced. The woman who bought it almost sold it back to my dad. Somewhere in the midst of the legal hub bub, something went wrong and she backed out taking his $20,000 down payment with him. As if this weren’t bad enough, another aunt died soon after this leaving all of her debts to him. She was a hoarder of a different sort. Instead of keeping four or five sets of dishes, she kept bills. Hidden. In purses. Hidden. In closets. He’s now seeing another lawyer about getting out from under her debt.
\
\
Time out. Every so often my dad will call me and we’ll have a conversation that reminds me he is a good person, he does realize what a shitty situation he is in and that he is very miserable. He cries to me on the phone abotu not being happy and how he’s struggling so much. This happens maybe one, twice a year. A couple weeks ago it happened. Until then I hadn’t spoken much to him since he asked me to bail him out of jail back in January (seriously, a whole other story). So it was difficult to remain detatched because I want so badly to help him straighten out his life. He told me all of the advice I was giving him was right and that he wasn’t going to argue with me (trust me, this is a huge step forward for him). But he didn’t say he was going to take it either, unfortunately.
\
\
There are so many things he could do right now, starting today, that would help him lead a better life. It’s very difficult knowing what’s best for your father and watching him spiral even further out of control down a very messy, expensive hole.
\
\
Here is why I feel like I am a sucker. He calls me, crying, looking for answers, help and love. I give it to him and hope that he’ll start taking some small steps to fixing things. But does he? No. His lawyer continues to email me looking for him. Just today she writes that she hasn’t heard from him, he’s not returning her calls or emails and it’s important that he calls her. I do what I normally do: call him, tell her to call her and not to make a fool out of me. He does the exact opposite. I write the lawyer and tell her I got his voicemail and I will try to get a hold of him later. “Is there anything I can tell him for you?” She replies with a small list of VERY SIMPLE things. Obviously it is tax related because she stressed the fact that April 15th is tax day. (Did you pay your taxes?!)
\
\
So yet again I am annoyed. All he has to do is sign a few sheets of paper, seal them in the self-stamped envelope and drop them in the mail. He’s not doing it. Because I want him out of this hole, I have volunteered myself to go to his apartment, find the paper work and have him sign it. I told his lawyer I would personally drop it in the mail. Knowing this is no easy task, I feel a bit overwhelmed. I struggle a lot with guilt and need to not feel so responsible for him. I know that if I do this, I will be faced with so many other problems once I step into that apartment. Problems I’ve worked months to ignore because it’s not my responsibility. I can finally close my eyes in the shower again (don’t ask.)
\
\
I don’t know how to watch him continue to fall. How do I just stand back and observe this public suicide? He needs help but he won’t get it because he doesn’t believe he has a problem. I can’t carry him. Yet I continue to do so….
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
this does sound incredibly frustrating with no easy answers. though i’ve never had a parent like this, i have had people in my life who were irresponsible and sucked the energy and life out of those around them who offered to help.
\
\
unfortunately, because there is someone there to push and prod him along, ultimately he will keep taking advantage of that. it’s sort of the nature of dependent-addicted people. but the caveat, obviously, is that you love him and he is your father.
Reply
It’s not the same thing, but i have a similar situation with my sister. She dug herself a huge hole and I want to help her get out of it, but she doesn’t want the help. She only wants to be all “woe is me” and it frustrated me to no end. And I finally had to stop. You’ll do what you need to do, when you need to do it. I guess that’s what I am trying to say.
Reply
Wow Jenn this was such an emotional post. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. I just want to send hugs and positive vibes your way.
Reply
Wow Jenn. Sorry you have to deal with this kind of thing. Because it can certainly take it’s emotional toll on you AND prevent you from moving forward with your life in all kinds of great ways.
\
\
Has he thought about anti-depressants or anxiety medication?
Reply
Ashley -
\
He’ll never learn if I keep helping him. He’ll always depend on me. But it’s so hard to stop.
\
\
Cheryl -
\
Eventually something has to give. It’s just a matter of time.
\
\
Katelin -
\
Thank you muchly
\
\
Missus –
\
He would never consider anti-depressants or anxiety meds. He doesn’t believe he has a problem. On top of everything he’s an alcoholic who doesn’t know it yet. He hasn’t been to the doctor in 10+ years. He doesn’t want help because he doesn’t think he needs any.
Reply
Jenn… I know what you’re going through. Seriously. My mom has many of the same problems. I almost didn’t go to college for the guilt of leaving her. It kills me when I go home on holidays and see how she’s living. She won’t help herself, and uses our family for temporary fixes that never last. I had to come to a point where I accepted that and moved on as much as I could. It’s so hard when you love them so much. You’re in my thoughts.
Reply
B2G -
\
Thank you
Reply
Wow. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this.
Reply
Oh hon, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It’s so difficult because you love your father, and you want (and I’m sure you feel a need) to help him. I hope everything gets sorted soon!! *hugs*
Reply
Allie -
\
Thank you muchly for your email
\
\
Clueless Cat -
\
It could always be worse right?
Reply
Jenn-
\
\
I am so sorry to hear this. I can’t imagine having to be so strong and feel like I have to take care of my parents, instead of it being the other way around.
\
\
You are very brave. And no matter what, you have to hold your head up and sometimes the hardest part is either walking away or staying around. Either choice can be heartbreaking. I hope you have support via other family members who can assist you in this situation. You can’t allow all of this worry and responsibility fall on your shoulders alone.
Reply
I have no words for this other than you are so strong and stable. My family has issues all their own, but I’m not sure I could help with something like this. Billions of Karma points coming your way. Hopefully Dad will grow up soon and take some responsibility. Ultimately (you know this already, I know) it’s not your responsibility and his actions have consequences and sometimes people learn best by experiencing those consequences. That is very hard to let someone fall to their rock bottom.
Reply
now i read this post right when you posted it and i starred it in my reader because i need to think about what kind of advice i wanted to give you.
\
\
and i still don’t know what to say.
\
\
but i do know that you see the pattern that you father has picked up. you know that it is wrong and that is the good thing.
\
\
just don’t let him bring you down, although that is totally easier said than done.
Reply
You have no idea how much I connected with this post. Not the exact situation, but with the feeling of having to hold a dad up, and help him do what’s right because he can’t fathom doing it on his own.
\
The big thing for me was letting go of the guilt. I’m the exact same way- I’ll take anything onto my shoulders, no matter how heavy, and do what I can to fix it. I give you so much credit. But remind yourself: he is a grown man. He makes his own bad decisions. Although it is excellent that he confides in you, it isn’t fair for all of that stress to fall onto your lap. Do what you can for him, certainly, family is incredibly important. But don’t feel that his mistakes are your mistakes, just because you are there to help him. What he needs is a wake up call. Good luck with everything.
Reply
Sandy -
\
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I admire your strength!
Reply