Seriously, where’s spell check?

Fortune listed Google at #1 on its 100 Best Companies to Work For list. My boss wanted some information off of their careers page so I stepped up. I took one for the team! But not before quenching my own thirst for knowledge. First I stumbled upon the Top 10 Reasons to Work at Google. “Silly Google, ” I thought. “You don’t need to persuade ME to work for YOU.” As I browsed the site, which I’ve never done before, I learned that Google offers scholarships and internships. How exciting! I checked to see if I met any of the requirements for either. Sadly I do not. This got me thinking though….even though I want to work for Google, I have no idea what I’d actually do there. So I came up with a list!
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1. I could roam from person to person and tell them what a good job they’re doing. “Great memo, Ben!” “Loving the hair Sara!” “Hey John! Great Post-It tower!” I might even pat them on the back. Everyone can use some positive reinforcement, even Googlelites. That’s what I’d call my colleagues.
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2. When I’m done commending everyone for a job well done, I could offer to organize their office. I like to organize and snoop through things. I’d be killing two birds with one stone and they’d reap all the benefits.
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3. After that I could come up with some art for the website to celebrate obscure holidays such as PBJ day. Personally I’d love seeing two peanuts as Os when I opened up Google.
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4. I could test out ball pits in case they were considering purchasing one. This includes, but is not limited to, trampolines, moon bounces, velcro walls, giant slides and bungee jumping.
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5. There is a doctor on site at one of their locations. I could come up with crazy diseases and make sure this doctor is top notch. No sub-par doc for Google! I’m willing to get poked and prodded for some G-love.
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6. I could say “google” in all sorts of funny voices and accents over a loud speaker. You know, just in case someone forgets where they are. And who knows, “google” may lull some employees into a calm, meditative state in which they create something truly magnificent. They’ll thank me.
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7. I could be a pillow tester for employees who sleep in their offices. I’d appreciate someone checking my pillow nightly to make sure it was up to my fluffy standards.
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8. I could also roam the building telling jokes. People need to laugh. Happy employees tend to be more efficient and productive. They’re also less likely to write “I hate my job/boss/your face” on a Post-It and put them on microwaves, mirrors or windows. I’d clean up the sticky residue if they did.
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See, there are many opportunities for me at Google that don’t require some fancy college degree or ridiculously mad computer/sales/marketing/engineering skills. I’m a Jenn of All Trades! How many companies boast one of those? None! So Google, if you were to ask me if I wanted to come on board and monitor the security of your elevators, I’d reply with an enthusiastic “super fuck yeah!!!”

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25 Comments so far

When Google offers you a job, please, PLEASE take me with you. I’m so good at trampolining.
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Wow, seriously? Trampolining is a real word?
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Nice.

my company’s headquarters is like 1 mi down the road from google’s company headquarters, so whenever i go out there for business i end up at a hotel with like 18 google employees. the ones i’ve met so far enjoy wine, i’ve learned

What a hilarious post! After they hire you, be sure to let me know if anyone needs cookies. I really like baking cookies!

How can Google not hire you after this post? Seriously, you’d be a clutch person to their office, haha.

Masseuse! You are one! Duh! They need one or another.

Nicole -
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It’s always better to trampoline with a partner.
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Alice -
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Note to self: Bribe with wine.
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Jimsmuse -
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Ah thank yah! I’ll be sure to let you know. Though I can’t promise I won’t eat them.
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Katelin -
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Right?!

Jamie -
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Yeah I could do that…if that’s what it came down to. I think I’d rather check pillows though.

This made me laugh SO HARD. Especially the first one about telling everyone they’re doing a good job!

Jenn, you can come do all that at my office. But I’m afraid I can’t afford to offer you a scholarship.

This was SO good.

If google hired me I would moonwalk from office to office. Top that!

Jenn, you make me laugh! #4 in particular.
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But I think Maxie might have the edge on the competition…moonwalking *is* pretty hard to beat.

You actually got me thinking about working for Google and after a little research I found that they
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a) have locations in many cities I’d like to live in
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b) offer many jobs I never even thought of
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c) let everyone choose a side project of their interest to work on and time to do it
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d) I’d like to be a web crawler
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YAY! Thanks for the Google idea!

Emma -
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Great comment! ::pats your back:: \

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Modern Gal -
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That’s okay. I’ll still tell you you’re doing an excellent job.
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Ben -
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Ah thank yah Sir!
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Maxie -
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Google frowns upon Michael Jackson.
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Gretch-a-sketch -
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I’m offering confidence and comfort!
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Vanessa -
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Hey, anytime. Put in a good word for me! A web crawler? What’s that?!

Haha, I am afraid of being poked and proded, but for Google I would too.
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Seriously, it is time for them to fix the spellcheck. If I was paying for this service I would have written a strongly worded letter by now, but Oh, yeah, we get it for free.
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DANG.

If I worked at Google, I would never get any actual work done. I would be to busy taking advantage of all the cool things they offer employees. That’s probably why I would have to be a rocket scientisit or ungodly genius to work there.

Tipptalk -
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It’s really bugging me now! Where is spell check? Why would they hide that?
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Jessica -
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That’s true…I probably wouldn’t get work done. Unless…my job were to not get work done…Eh?

LoL, those jobs would be awesome My sister applied for a job at Google I think. haha

You could be a lifeguard at one of the treadmill pools. Each pool fits one person and is required to have one lifeguard. They just sit and wait for a swimmer to come by. At least that’s the rumor I’ve heard…

Clueless Cat -
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Did she get it?
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Noelle -
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I could do that!

Google asked me for my resume and then I never heard from them. Damn Google, why do you have to be such a playa?

I think it would be an even better company for hiring you.
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I mean, who’s noticing John’s post-it tower now? He’s got to be feeling bad about that.

Hope -
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Well that was pretty rude of them
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Allie -
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Hahaha poor John!

Apparently they also have a cafeteria for all employees to eat at…for free! And, every now and then, they’ll have “happy hour” for their employees–letting them stop work early to have a small get together.
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Oh google, you truly are the best company.

Hilarious!! How awesome would it be to actually have the title “Ball Pit Tester”?

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