Seriously, where’s spell check?

Fortune listed Google at #1 on its 100 Best Companies to Work For list. My boss wanted some information off of their careers page so I stepped up. I took one for the team! But not before quenching my own thirst for knowledge. First I stumbled upon the Top 10 Reasons to Work at Google. “Silly Google, ” I thought. “You don’t need to persuade ME to work for YOU.” As I browsed the site, which I’ve never done before, I learned that Google offers scholarships and internships. How exciting! I checked to see if I met any of the requirements for either. Sadly I do not. This got me thinking though….even though I want to work for Google, I have no idea what I’d actually do there. So I came up with a list!
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1. I could roam from person to person and tell them what a good job they’re doing. “Great memo, Ben!” “Loving the hair Sara!” “Hey John! Great Post-It tower!” I might even pat them on the back. Everyone can use some positive reinforcement, even Googlelites. That’s what I’d call my colleagues.
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2. When I’m done commending everyone for a job well done, I could offer to organize their office. I like to organize and snoop through things. I’d be killing two birds with one stone and they’d reap all the benefits.
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3. After that I could come up with some art for the website to celebrate obscure holidays such as PBJ day. Personally I’d love seeing two peanuts as Os when I opened up Google.
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4. I could test out ball pits in case they were considering purchasing one. This includes, but is not limited to, trampolines, moon bounces, velcro walls, giant slides and bungee jumping.
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5. There is a doctor on site at one of their locations. I could come up with crazy diseases and make sure this doctor is top notch. No sub-par doc for Google! I’m willing to get poked and prodded for some G-love.
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6. I could say “google” in all sorts of funny voices and accents over a loud speaker. You know, just in case someone forgets where they are. And who knows, “google” may lull some employees into a calm, meditative state in which they create something truly magnificent. They’ll thank me.
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7. I could be a pillow tester for employees who sleep in their offices. I’d appreciate someone checking my pillow nightly to make sure it was up to my fluffy standards.
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8. I could also roam the building telling jokes. People need to laugh. Happy employees tend to be more efficient and productive. They’re also less likely to write “I hate my job/boss/your face” on a Post-It and put them on microwaves, mirrors or windows. I’d clean up the sticky residue if they did.
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See, there are many opportunities for me at Google that don’t require some fancy college degree or ridiculously mad computer/sales/marketing/engineering skills. I’m a Jenn of All Trades! How many companies boast one of those? None! So Google, if you were to ask me if I wanted to come on board and monitor the security of your elevators, I’d reply with an enthusiastic “super fuck yeah!!!”