I Don’t Know | Free and Flawed

The boyfriend and I had a good talk last night. By good, I don’t mean that we’ve completely resolved everything and our relationship is all rainbows and sunshine now. I mean that we actually spoke for more than 10 minutes and tried to open up to each other about our current situation. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve cried more genuine tears before this whole situation. It’s a sticky situation because I love the boyfriend with all of my heart. I’ve given him all of me. I want the best for him and encourage him to pursue his dreams. Neither of us has done anything to intentionally hurt the other. There’s no cheating or petty fights between us. And this is why it is so hard to admit that this might end.
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He will regret not going to Iceland and I couldn’t live with him resenting me for that. But how do I let the love of my life go? The visits will be few and far between. There will be no phone calls. With the time difference, he’ll be going to bed shortly after I get home from work. All we will have is email and snail mail. But could that still be enough? I’m not ready to end this portion of my life. I’m not ready to not have him involved. He is my best friend, my strength and my love. He has been a huge part of my life for the last two years. How do I move on from that? Especially when neither of us want to?
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I will be going to Atlanta this weekend. There will be tears, conversations and even arguing. But there will be fun, too. I need this weekend for closure. I want us to decide if we will try to ride this out, or if we will end amicably on good terms. The way it was going, I was on my way to hating him because of how he was acting. I cannot end this relationship out of anger. He’s not a bad person and while he may be selfish and scared, he has a big heart. This decision is hurting him as well, even though he hasn’t really shown it until last night. So I’m going. We will try to have fun and just be “us” for a few more days. I will spend hours rubbing his head and hugging him. We’ll play video games, eat nachos and watch TV. We’ll discuss our options and hope that the decision we make at the end of the trip is the right one.
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Right now, I am trying to be okay with him leaving, whether we remain together or not. I want to be able to send him care packages and wish him well. I do not want to resent him. Our relationship doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve that. Could we make this work with him in Iceland and me here? I don’t know. But I might be willing to try. At least we’ll have tried and neither of us will be left wondering.
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I still have a lot of anxiety about this. Not knowing what will happen with us….it’s hard. And knowing that things might end this weekend…is tearing me apart. Neither of us want this to end. And that makes it so hard I hate distance and I really hope we’re stronger than it.

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15 Comments so far

I really wonder when relationships get easy. I’ve been dating 13+ years and it has never been smooth sailing. I want that.

Oh and I hope things go well for you, no matter what direction that might be.

huh. are you living my life? i am having similiar feelings about my relationship….and i’m not sure what to do or where to go because there is so, so much love. we’ve been together for 2 1/2 years now…i feel like i would lose so much if i let go.
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i hope whatever you decide, you find yourself in a better place

You are doing the right thing … investigating and considering all possibilities. Just keep reminding yourself, you deserve to be happy. And if the resulting compromise will not make you happy, then it’s not ok. Be good to you on this trip.

Aw I hope things work out for you guys and can figure things out amicably. Good luck!

This must be a really hard situation! I hope things work out ok.

I’m really glad you both were able to share and be vulnerable about this situation. Realizing it is tough for both of you, in different ways, is a huge step. I hope this week-end visit is cathartic, the closure you need, or even the beginnings of something new.
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A couple getting married this year dated long distance for about a year. One lived in Minnesota and the other in Alabama. Yes they had the phone, and email, and some visits, and they made it work. So…don’t just accept stereotypes that it has to end. If you both don’t want it to, and you’re both willing to try, who knows what you can make happen.

You are so strong, so brave and so grounded in reality. I know this has been a tough time for you, but this post reflects your inner strength and beauty so well.

Once again: oh my lord, I know exactly how you feel. But whatever you decide, you seem, to me, a smart girl who makes rational and informed choices. Trust yourself (if I may be so daring as to give advice) and follow your heart (LAAAME). I, homg, trulytrulytruly understand how you’re feeling right now and I wish you happy times over the weekend!

Remember this morning when I told you google reader was backed up? I finally got to this post!
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I hope everything goes well this weekend. I really really do. I’m glad you finally got to talk though. Communication is so important. Email or text me this weekend if you need to talk or just vent. Seriously.
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BlogHer 08!

i wish it could be easier for you. i was in a long distance relationship, and for me, i couldnt travel or go anywhere because i was in college. the now hubs was in the military and had a long weekend once a month. for a long time he drove 12 hours each way to see me for that weekend. he would take me to my monday morning class and get home late at night, when he had to be back at work the next morning. it was tiring, it was painful. but we made it through. how long is this assignment? can you wait say 2 years? can you afford a vacation once a year to where he is? I know that it really sucks. thankfully though with the web and international cell phone plans being a lot cheaper than they were just a few years ago, you may be able to make a go of it. when you make your trip, see what he wants. be ready to accept the answer. be ready to put those needs on hold and focus on yourself for a while.. build a business or get more schooling, whatever you think you will help you either a. make it through or b. transition to a newer/better life.
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i wish you the best of luck with the discussions and the aftermath

Awww I’m glad you’re starting to make progress. There is nothing easy about your situation and I’m sorry you have to go through it I hope you get to have a fun weekend though, and know that everything will work out for the best. And you always have us here for support!!! Maybe I’ll even have to drop back to Chicago for some hang out time!!

Once again, thank you so much everyone. I’d like to write an individual response to all of you, but I’d be repeating myself a lot. I appreciate all of the support and advice. You are all wonderful

I’ve been trying to come up with a good way to respond to this, but I don’t have one. You’re in pretty much the crappiest situation ever.
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Stay strong.

Listen, please. Take it from me. I went to Brazil for TWO YEARS and my boyfriend let me go. We are still together and in fact we are closer than ever. We are BEST friends and we talk every single day despite the time difference. He even traveled to New Zealand where there was an 18 hour time difference. But because we love each other, because we committed to allowing each other to follow our dreams, we are together and there is no end in sight. I really hope the two of you don’t split up because it IS possible to stay together through the distance. You have to trust me on this. It takes getting used to but the freedom you grant to him to go and to fly and to do what he wants to do will ultimately be priceless. And he will realize that. I hope you are able to work things out. It really, really is possible.

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