This weekend has been full of ups and downs. The news I received Thursday night has pretty much left me shocked, worried, happy and heartbroken. Can I roll those all into one? I’m doing it anyway. I have been trying to pace myself and control tears by telling myself that “hey, my relationship isn’t over yet. Don’t freak out.” But it doesn’t help that I can feel this incredible distance growing between us and I’m feeling more and more pushed away. To be very honest, I don’t think it’s fair at all that he continues to push me away after dropping this bomb on me. I understand it’s a difficult decision, but what the eff? It’s not just affecting him. Be my boyfriend and support me as well. If he chooses to leave, I will support him. I won’t be happy, but I’d support him because I love him. I need that support, too.
\
\
There is definitely an overwhelming feeling of awkwardness hanging over us right now. At least I feel it. Add to that an abundance of questions….well you get a pretty worried Jenn. Where do we stand? Is he going or is he staying? Could he really end this? If he goes is there any chance of maintaining this relationship? Am I not worth staying for? Why is this decision taking so long? Why won’t he talk to me about it? Is he pushing me away? How can he shut down so easily? Etc…
\
\
I have become a waste of energy this weekend. I sit up in my room, alternating between the computer and my bed. Honestly it took a great deal of effort to move yesterday and if it weren’t for the Blogger Meet-up, I probably wouldn’t have showered. I tried my best to put on a happy face for the meet-up. I cried in the car on the way there hoping to get it out because I knew someone was going to bring up Iceland. It’s hard to talk about it while I still know very little. I had a good time though. I felt a bit socially awkward because I didn’t know what to talk about. All I wanted to do was vent about this..but I didn’t want to be Debbie Downer. I must say that I’ve received a tremendous amount of support from fellow bloggers and it feels really great to know there’s people willing to listen or offer advice/support/strength/personal stories. I appreciate all of the emails and hugs.
\
\
My grandmother bought me some “happy” flowers this morning. She told me they were smiling at me. I’m trying to smile back. At times, I’m fine and hopeful. A smile breaks and I remember that I’m awesome, I have a few very big educational and career moves ahead of me and that my heart is resiliant. I am strong and regardless of what happens, I’ll survive. I just might smell for a while haha.
\
\
I’ll talk more about the meet-up later. I’d hate to mix meeting such wonderful people in with a very “bleh” post.
\
\
I must thank Big Time Fancy for making me laugh so much last night. I hope your phone is okay today 
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
1) It was SO nice to meet you!
\
2) You were NOT a Debbie Downer.
\
3) I like RANDOMLY capitalizing words.
\
4) Today? Phone works fine. But I’m not trusting that sonofabitch any further than I can throw it. And as you saw last night, I am NOT afraid to throw it.
Reply
Jenn,
\
\
My advice is for you to make a decision on what YOU want. Do you want to continue the relationship, knowing that he will be farther away, which in turn means less visits? If so, how are you willing to fight for it to make it work? If not, then…well…that’s a hard choice too.
\
\
Don’t let his choice decide yours. Make your feelings known to him, that he’s been distant and it’s hard. You’ve obviously had to have good communication for a LDR, keep it up. He’s a guy and probably doesn’t realize the impact of what’s going on in his life.
\
\
Realtionships…great to have. Hard to deal with!
\
K
Reply
It was nice meeting you – even if that’s about as much conversation as we had. Big table. Opposite ends. Bad!
\
\
Sorry your personal situation seems up in the air. Remind yourself you have some control over this situation – ask from him what you need to be in a better place (in terms of having information). You deserve at least that much!
Reply
I really wish I could have been there, Jenn. We should hang out even if it isn’t like an “official” meet up!
Reply
Sorry you’re sad, dear. Just remember that you are strong enough to choose what you want, too.
\
\
Long-distance relationships are hard, especially when they consist of so many “when will”s and not as many “will be”s. (The punctuation and grammar of the sentence left a lot to be desired, but you get the point.)
\
\
I wish that I could’ve come to the Chicago meet up, but a 3 1/2+ hour drive in crap weather didn’t seem plausible.
\
\
We should have another girl blogger meet up at Woodfield Mall this summer or something.
Reply
Those do look like happy flowers.
\
\
Hang in there.
\
\
~A~
Reply
i sensed a bit of sadness, and i’m glad to know you had a good time last night. i know i brought up iceland, and i’m so sorry if that was something you were holding at bay emotionally…it’s so nice you made the effort to come downtown and meet us. really.
\
\
you’re adorable and sweet and smart, and he’s nuts to let go of that. i know it’s a great opportunity, and i’m sorry it’s creating such emotional havoc for ya…let me know if you want to come down here and be distracted again, because it’d be great to hang out again.
Reply
Hope you’re doing OK, girly. You seem like such an awesome person and I agree with everyone who says you should decide exactly what you want (I know, easier said than done). And THEN figure out where he stands. You deserve the best!
\
\
The flowers are totally smiling
Reply
I’m glad you came out to the meet-up (and I’m hoping it made you feel just a little better). I didn’t want to bring up the whole Iceland thing, but I’m glad you’re talking about it here.
\
\
You are awesome – don’t forget that.
Reply
I agree with tearsinmycoffee….you need to decide Jenn what you want. You may love him and want him to be with you, but if this guy can’t support you with how you are feeling and even address the topic with you then he’s not the one. Something this important should be discussed between a couple and if he isn’t willing to do so then what happens if you are together down the road and something else happens—he just stick his head in the sand like an ostrich and try to avoid. That’s not communicating. My Mom’s ex-husband did that and that was a major factor that ended their marriage. I hope you feel better and we can chat if you want and are ready! Love the flowers and that was very sweet of your grandma. Chin up sweetie!
Reply
the flowers are beautiful
Hope they help make you smile <3
Reply
::more hugs::
\
\
Whatever happens, just trust that it’ll work out for the best. And I agree with everyone else…be sure that you do what YOU want to do.
\
\
The meet-up in Chicago sounds so fun! Any chance you all want to come to Columbus? No? Yeah, I wouldn’t either, haha.
Reply
I’d like to send you some hugs now. I hope things pick up for you!
Reply
I don’t know how to reply to all of you. It would take at least 30 minutes if I tried.
\
\
Thank you muchly for the support and advice. I appreciate it more than you know.
Reply
I love you very much and want the best for you.
\
\
I will comment more in email since it’s hard for me, being BF’s best friend and all. Still, I think the world of you and while things happen for a reason, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t totally suck and we shouldn’t fill a gallon-size Ziploc baggie full of raspberry jello and punch the shit out of it.
Reply
Sobe -
\
I love the idea of punching a bag of Jell-O. I’d be afraid that a Ziploc baggie might burst though. We might need to duct tape it a bit. But really, thank you so much for being so supportive. I cannot imagine the spot it puts you in. I really appreciate all of your support, direction and advice. You’re such a wonderful person and both I and the BF think the world of you as well.
Reply
Did this just come out of nowhere? Have you two ever talked about future possibilities, moving to a foreign country being one of them? Or is this a completely weird turn of events that happened to him?
\
\
You are trying to be a trooper…I’m sending you some good thoughts and positive vibes…
\
\
\
Peace.
Reply
Erikka -
\
His job did have him travel to Iceland a few times a year, but we never talked about moving there. He did mention once that he couldn’t live there…but things have changed I guess and he’s considering it now.
\
\
Thank you for the good thoughts and positive vibes
Reply