Jamie asked a good question in her post this morning:
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“Can people in a relationship have friends of the opposite sex?”
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I told her that my response to this would be much too long for a comment and decided to make it into a post of my own. I gave her a short answer of: it depends.
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I think it depends on the maturity level of the people in the relationship and the trust within the relationship.
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A few years ago my best friend was a guy. At the time we were both single and there were no problems. Eventually we both ended up in relationships and it seemed that our SOs hated the idea that their partner had a friendship with a member of the opposite gender. My boyfriend at the time, who I’ll now refer to as “the idiot,” didn’t like me discussing our relationships with my best friend. He thought that he had no right being involved and didn’t need to know. His girlfriend didn’t like me because I was a girl. I think she felt threatened, which was weird because my best friend lived 200+ miles away from me. It’s not like we could have a secret rendezvous every night of the week. Needless to say that friendship in which we invested two years fell apart. Out of respect for our partners we didn’t want to complicate our relationships any more. What we should have done is said “eff you” to our partners because if they really cared about us, they’d understand that our friendships are important and necessary, no matter the sex of the other person. Hindsight eh?
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In my current relationship, it was odd to find out that the boyfriend had two very close girl friends. I felt threatened because they are closer to his age and actually lived in the same state as him. They knew him much longer than I did and had some history (not romantic). I soon learned one was married and that information washed over me like a sea of relief haha. The other I didn’t really know much about until recently, but I began reading her blog and I wish she was my best friend haha! She’s an incredible woman with an amazing sense of humor. I’d hate for these women to not be involved in the boyfriend’s life. Sure at first I had that suspicion, but once I got to know them, I don’t worry anymore. My best friend is a male and the boyfriend doesn’t seem to have a problem. Then again, he’s also in New York. So does distance play a role in all of this? Would it be different if my best friend were in Chicago? What if the boyfriend’s friend wasn’t married?
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While I want to believe that two members of the opposite sex can be JUST friends, it’s hard. At some point or another one person usually wants more. Maybe not in all cases, but a majority of them…at least in my experience. I don’t think it would be easy to get into a friendship with somebody whom you had romantic interest in. As D-blogged said in reponse to Jamie, “you have to pick friendship.”
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I’ll admit that I have trust issues ( who doesn’t these days?! ) If the boyfriend met some woman and began spending a lot of time with her, I think I’d get a little jealous. But again I have to ask, is it because I think he’ll cheat or because she’s actually there spending time with him and I’m not? The distance plays a huge role in this. I’m jealous of his male friends and co-workers because they are involved in his day-to-day life where as I’m 1,000 miles away.
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I think it also depends on your trust issues and theirs. Are you both pretty good about including your SOs in outings with your friends? Do they know each other or are they hiding you like a secret? Are they lesbians or gay? Where is the threat? It’s a sticky subject and there are so many answers and what ifs that can be thrown out. Is there one simple yes or no answer? I honestly don’t know.
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I don’t think it’s acceptable to be asked to give up your friendship because your SO doesn’t like it. Unless there is a good reason like said friend is interferring with the relationship by being inappropriate or diliberately making “moves.” If the boyfriend asked me to give up my friendship with Dan-o…I think I’d laugh. But I know that would never happen. So no worries.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
“I don\’92t think it\’92s acceptable to be asked to give up your friendship because your SO doesn\’92t like it.” I completely agree with you!
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I had one friendship fall apart in college because my best friend’s gf hated me. She didn’t even know me, but I think she hated the fact that I saw him all the time, I knew him longer and I was single…all equally huge threat.
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And now that I’m in a relationship I can kind of see the problem I was for her, but I wouldn’t have changed anything. I wish my boyfriend had close girl friends that weren’t mine, I think it gives great perspective. I still have close guy friends and thank god my boyfriend won’t ask me to give them up, because like you said, I think I’d laugh.
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good stuff…i think a lot of jealousy is less mistrust and simply jealousy. of the time other people get together.
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but the reality is that sex is part of life, and engaging, self-confident people garner the glances of everyone around them. it’s hard to look at that from the outside as an SO…but it’s usually nothing and if it’s something, that’s a reflection of a relationship that needs some work.
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If you don’t let your SO have friends, you run the risk of ruining that relationship. Everyone needs an outlet. I have a guy BFF and I don’t really know why we never dated. I can honestly say that we’re close in ways I wouldn’t be with a girl BFF, but his GF seems to be cool with me, and my former BF was cool with him, and we were all happy.
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Man, that was sappy and full of abbreviations.
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This is one of my favorite debates to get into people with. I went on a little bit on Jamie’s blog, so I won’t continue here.
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But platonic/true friendship is entirely possible. I’ve done it. I do it. And I’ll make more friends who are “just girls”.
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There is an interesting site that you should check out if you’re seriously interested:
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http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html
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good post. i really dont have any guy friends because i find i dont need them anymore. then again, i am married. i would find it odd if my husband had a friend that was a woman, and like wanted to do things with her, in fact, i’d be pissed because he barely wants to do things with me.. okay that’s not true, he doesnt want to do anything fun (monster truck rallies anyone?)
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this topic recently came up in another blog i read, where the blogger is a woman and her partner’s ex wife moved into the same apt complex. umm. yeah, and then she decided that they needed to over their whole marriage and why it went wrong on the phone. the guy went along with this, and even started hiding it when the blogger said, that’s enough (3 or more hour long calls a day) so yeah, i would say its nearly impossible. and it caused a lot of problems for them, which i’m not sure have been resolved yet.
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basically, if it makes your partner uncomfortable, give up the friend, your partner is much more important, oh and distance doesnt matter, as its easy to ‘cheat’ online…
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My best friend isn’t female but one of my closest friends is. If a girl that I’m dating doesn’t like me having a close female friend, then thats too bad. Friendships between a guy and girl are certainly possible- just don’t make it physical. Not even that “benefits” thing…it will ruin a friendship.
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I guess I’m just a crazy psycho.. being married and all, yeah- I’d think its weird if my husband wanted to go catch a movie with his friend that happens to be a girl.. Although I do know a lot of platonic friendships that work, but there’s always a fine line that comes with that
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We’re not best friends???????
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Love the new background.
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Noelle commented!!! YAY!!!!
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Thank you for what you said, you are so sweet. I’m glad there is trust. You’re right, I am really funny. And pretty, you forgot pretty. HAHAHA.
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Sobe -
But yes, for the record, she’s beautiful everyone!
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Hahaha my bad. I didn’t want to make it seem like I was trying too hard
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I have to say I recently had this debate with a guy I was spending time with several months ago. I actually just wrote about him in my own blog and haven’t finished the whole “episode” I went through with him. I agree to a point that people can be friends with the opposite sex. Yes, there are trust issues one must get over because if you can’t trust you SO then how are you going to ever trust them with much of anything; however, I think what makes it hard is when your SO starts to confide in that friend so much to the point they don’t talk to you about the cares and concerns of your relationship and instead discuss it with said friend. I’ve seen that happen to. Not with me, but another friend of mine. The guy I was spending time with, call him “Duane”, had SOOOO many ‘girl friends’ it made me wonder why. Why don’t you have more guy friends? Only one true guy friend is just weird to me. I think he actually had this issue with needing female attention more than anything. I’m not dating a guy who I trust far more than ‘Duane’ and I’m much happier. I need to start writing about the current interest
Just started my blog too so….work in progress.
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Sorry, meant I am NOW dating a guy I trust more than ‘Duane’. Oops.
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Some of my best friends are exes of mine who I wouldn’t get together with again, because it just didn’t work out the first time. But we’re still close as friends. Is that more or less threatening to a boyfriend? I’m not sure.
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