Hi, This is Noelle from The Daily Tannenbaum. Thanks Jenn, for letting me be a guest poster today! I hope you are enjoying your time off. Since this blog is often about massage, I’d like to use this post to talk about my problem with relaxing.
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Let me be clear, I love relaxing my brain. I spent way too much of my childhood zoning out in front of the television, and there’s nothing I love more than a good nap. I even plan on napping when I finish this post. My problem with relaxing is that I can’t get my muscles to let go. I’m always clenching something, if it’s my jaw when I sleep, my shoulders when I sit at my desk, or my toes when I’m scared.
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When I dance with someone, I have a hard time letting them lead. Last night when I was in physical therapy for the ankle that I recently broke, my therapist was trying to get my foot to flex, and my foot kept fighting back by trying to point. When I get a massage, the masseuse always has to remind me to relax, and it feels like work to me to will my brain to let go of my back muscles. Back when I was a kid, I loved to go to summer camp every year. One of the girls in my cabin was a rock climber, so she would give us all back rubs whenever we wanted because it helped her work her finger muscles for the climbing. Whenever she did my back, she’d tell me I was the tensest person she knew. Since camp was my favorite place in the word and I spent the day swimming, windsurfing, singing, giggling and generally running around, there was no reason for me to be tense. Sure there were some boys I liked and they made me nervous, but even that wasn’t enough to make the muscles tighten up like a girders of a steel bridge.
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Now that I’m older, I have significantly more stress, but I think of myself as more laid back than not (knot?). However, I still can’t let go of those muscles. I wonder if it has something to do with my control-freak tendencies. If I can’t control the weather, I might as well control my muscles. Now that I’ve been thinking about it while writing this post, I’ve noticed my shoulders doing the upward creep to my ears and I’m trying to will them back to a natural position. As far as I can tell, there are only a few solutions to this problem. I can either try to constantly be mindful of what my body’s doing, and take more deep breaths, which seems to help, however briefly. I could practice yoga at least five times a day, or marry a massage therapist, or become rich enough to have a staff of people to constantly massage my muscles, or find a way to re-wire my brain to make it do more important things that constantly tell my muscles where to go. I’m not sure that last one’s possible. I suppose I’ll try to get the live-in masseuse, either by marriage or on staff. It’s good to have goals.

I am privileged enough to have been asked to be the first in a short series of guest bloggers for this site. While I write freely on my own blog, there was a slight mishap in the creation of said blog and my name wound up being my URL. I never anticipated the readership I have now and while grateful, sometimes feel a little restricted in the topics on which I can write. I truly welcome this opportunity to blog anonymously and thank J from the bottom of my heart.
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Today will be rambling and a little insight to my crazy life. My family is not quite all-together. That\’92s putting it mildly. They are their own special brand of crazy, read that completely dysfunctional. There, that\’92s much more like it.
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My Dad, who is actually my step Dad, only I am not allowed to refer to him as \’93step\’94 because it upsets my mother. She had my name changed for a reason, because she didn\’92t want everyone knowing he was my step dad which would mean she had been married before (actually twice before) and me referring to him as step defeats that entire exercise in denial. He also rarely speaks. Even if you are speaking to him. As a child I counted three weeks straight where not one single word was uttered. Literally mute.
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My Mother is extremely unpredictable and has a unique view of the world. Her view includes seeing things only her way, and adamantly denying that anyone could possibly have an opinion unless it matches her\’92s exactly. She is heavily invested in denial, rationalization and minimization. If you are brave enough to assert your opinion or that your memory of a situation is different than her\’92s, well\’85 you are just wrong. And not only wrong, but crazy, a liar, selective memory and ungrateful \’93for everything she\’92s ever done for you\’94. These accusations are always finished with \’93You make me miserable.\’94
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My Brother, in the interest of keeping it short and sweet, we can just say he follows their example rather than choosing a reality based existence. By choosing this following, he is of course, \’93The Golden Child\’94.
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Normally I can keep this in perspective and my expectations fairly limited where they are concerned. This is not easy. We would all like to live in a world where things make sense. Where we can take things at face value. Where we know we can count on them to be remembered as they happened, not as someone chooses to remember them because it serves some other purpose or sick emotional need.
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This past week, I fell down. Now, I don\’92t mean literally. I mean I fell down as in I let my guard down. I had an expectation that was unreasonable in my Mother\’92s eyes and now the whole family is in a shit storm over it.
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My birthday is on Saturday, this coming Saturday. My mother will be out of town this weekend so I knew we wouldn\’92t be celebrating on the day of the birthday and that\’92s ok. What was not so ok was the phone call stating, your brother decided we would celebrate your birthday on ___date and you will have a lasagna dinner at our house to celebrate.
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This gets under my skin for SO many reasons. Its MY birthday, I feel I should be allowed to at the very least be part of the decision making process of how it will be celebrated. I\’92d like to say, I should be able to \’93dictate\’94 what I want to do for my birthday and what I want to eat for my celebratory dinner. However, I know its never a good idea to speak so strongly about what you would \’93like to have happen\’94 where my mother is concerned.
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I also feel like its incredibly unfair that my brother gets to choose what, when and how my birthday will be celebrated considering he refuses to speak to me even though he lives 2 miles from me. There have been occasions when we see each other at the grocery store and he will return my \’93Hey there! Good to see you\’94 greeting with \’93I don\’92t know you, you must be thinking of someone else\’94 then turn and walk away.
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I made the assertion to my mother that I didn\’92t feel this was fair for him to decide what we are doing for my birthday.
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I should have known better there too.
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\’93Life\’92s not always fair. Do you think I like it that you refuse to be a better daughter to me?\’94 was her response. She continues with, \’93You have screwed up your life so much, no one in this family even likes you. That\’92s why we all ignore you.\’94 and finishes with \’93I\’92m not sure what it would take to forgive you, I\’92m not even sure there is anything you can do that would make up for it and allow me to forgive you.\’94
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The conversation is terminated but not before she tells me \’93I am calling your brother now to tell him how much you hate him and that he is not invited to your birthday even though he did all the work coming up with the idea for it.\’94
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I am beyond frustrated with this situation.
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How do you rationalize with crazy?
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That\’92s right, you don\’92t.
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How hard is that when it\’92s your mother, and more than anything you\’92d like to have a normal adult relationship with her?
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That\’92s right, you can\’92t.
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How deeply does it hurt to realize this will never happen in your life?
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Immeasurably.
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How glad am I to not be subscribing to this brand of crazy?
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There are no words to explain how happy I am to know I live a grounded, reality based life. Even if it’s not always what I want it to be, I’d rather know reality than delusional.

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Balance. Health. Restoration. Maturity.

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I keep these words written on a piece of paper and carry it with me. I look at them whenever I am feeling anxious, worried, or scared. They help me remember what to take out of every situation I find myself in. Every dark has a light and every bad has a good. I have been working diligently over the last couple of weeks to mold my current woes into positives - regardless of their outcomes.
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What others would see as an excuse to drink, mope, wallow in self pity, I use it as an excuse to grow and to learn. Each relationship prepares us for the next. We learn what we don’t want, what we won’t tolerate, and more importantly, what we need and are willing to give to get what we need.
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I am using every ounce of strength I have within myself to make sure I stay in the moment, focus on now and not wander off into a sea of worries, what-ifs and I don’t knows. I can’t think about Tuesday or tomorrow. All I can do is think about right now. I encourage my five senses to keep me grounded in the moment. What do I hear? What do I smell? How does that feel?I’m not walking blindly into anything. I know what I need, what I’m willing to give and what I will not tolerate. I hope to walk away with balance, my health, the hope for restoration and the knowledge that my years have given me thus far. Most of all, I hope to walk away with even more love for myself, and for him.
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With all of that said, this will probably be the last many of you will hear from me for the next few days as I am handing the blog over to all of the fabulous guest bloggers who agreed to share their stories. Please enjoy - I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know most of these lovely ladies for the last few months and they’re beyond words.
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In an effort to be more like one of my favorite bloggers, I leave you with a few words of encouragement:
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May you always trust that the love you put out is a reflection of the love you give yourself.
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- J

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Beauty Tip: If you want to know if you’re wearing too much perfume, walk down a hallway in your office building. After you leave the hallway, someone else steps into it. If they can still smell you after you stepped into another room, congratulations you are wearing too much perfume.
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I have curly hair today and I’m loving it! My hair doesn’t really appreciate being hair. It’s boringly straight. Last night I fell asleep after showering with my hair wrapped in a bun. The result? Lovely bouncy waves of curls. Why am I not taking a picture of this? Because my camera phone sucks.
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I’m convinced that The Missus is a Scrabulous champ. 62 points for sheep! Awesome.
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I had an overwhelming response to my guest blogging question yesterday. I might have to do this more often! I’m really excited about it. I have two bloggers scheduled for each day of my trip. I won’t say who is blogging because some may want to remain anonymous, others might introduce themselves. It’ll be a surprise!
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Not for the weak-stomached: Seriously, if you don’t like things touching your eyeballs, you might not want to click here. This is an article about eye tattoos that I find completely intriguing and utterly disgusting at the same time. View at your own risk.
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Quarterlife may not have a long life on NBC. Anyone disappointed?
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Floppy Disk Coasters: Yes or no?
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The Sharper Image filed for bankruptcy? When? Where will I go to try out massage chairs and squishy pillows?!

Susie over at Everyone Loves a Boston Girl told her readers to take this quiz. I did. My dating persona is the Maid of Honor. That’s classified as a Deliberate Gentle Love Master (DGLM). Um…what does that mean? I’m the master of being gentle on purpose? Okay.
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Charismatic, affectionate and terrific in relationships. I’m freaking awesome! I’m what they call a “perfect catch.” (If I’m so perfect why is the boyfriend leaving for Iceland?! - Okay, that was uncalled for. Strike that from the record please.) They recommend I date the Gentleman. He’s classic, even-keeled and a considerate lover. Yeah, well I don’t see that prince charming riding up on his white steed anytime soon OkCupid. I’d like to keep my broken, video-game playing, bald-headed boyfriend please. Kay? Thanks.
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What are those hands trying to do? Are they trying to choke her? Sure looks like it. Don’t pursue me if you plan on strangling me.
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One question was: Out of no where, you get offered your dream job - but you’ll have to move to take it. Unfortunately, your significant other can’t go with you. Do you…
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A. Stay, because love comes first
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B. Go, career is more important now
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Oh come on!

I have a favor to ask anyone who may be interested.
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I will be leaving for Atlanta Friday evening and returning on Tuesday evening. Assuming the boyfriend doesn’t leave me at the airport, I will only blog maybe twice during that trip.
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The problem? I’m one of those crazy folks who joined Blog365 and I really don’t want to fail so early in the year. So…here’s where you come in! Yes, you!
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I’d love it if a couple of my fellow bloggers wouldn’t mind being guests on those days I am gone. The post doesn’t have to be anything super fancy. They can be about whatever your little heart desires.
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If you’re interested in helping a poor blog-addicted chick, either comment here or if you have my email, use it \

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I promise to reward you in jewels and riches….

TR made me do it!
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8 Things I Am Passionate About:
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• Learning

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• Love

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• My happiness

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• Reading

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• Human anatomy, physiology & pathology

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• My future

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• Reading

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• Growing (spiritually, emotionally, mentally)

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8 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
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• Run a marathon

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• Go to medical school

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• Get married & start a family

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• Sky dive

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• Spend a week on a beach with clear water

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• Write a book

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• Go to a costume party (I never have!)

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• Let go (of my resentment, fear, anxiety, broken hearts, disappointment)

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8 Things I Say Often:
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• Sweet Jeebus

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• …and what not

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• Holy mother of Jeebus!

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• Voodoo, get down! (In reference to my cat)

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• You’re welcome (accompanied by a wave to the jackass who cut me off)

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• Awesome

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• I sure don’t

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• Could be worse.

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8 Books I’ve Recently Read:
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• Second Helpings by Megan McCafferty

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• Charmed Thirds by Megan McCafferty

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• Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay

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• Put Your Big Girl Panties On And Deal With It by Roz Van Meter

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• Bitter Is The New Black by Jen Lancaster

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• Unnatural Death: Confessions of a Medical Examiner by Michael Baden

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• Straight Up And Dirty: A Memoir by Stephanie Klein

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• P.S. I Love You by Cecelia Ahern

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8 Songs I Could Listen To Over and Over:
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• Manifest Destiny by Guster

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• Faith by George Michael

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• Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven

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• Stronger by Kanye West

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• Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson

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• Wake Up Call by Maroon 5

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• Sticks and Stones by The Pierces

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• Diner by Martin Sexton

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8 Things That Attract Me To My Best Friends:
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• An impeccable sense of humor

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• Accepting my idiosyncrasies

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• Have a story to tell

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• Intelligence

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• Supportive

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• Honesty

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• Outgoing (to balance my homebody nature)

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• Four legs

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I am tagging: Dan Mega, Susie, Curlysue, PB & Razz, Soul Like a Spider, Rachel, Jamie and Cheryl. Have fun!

- Ever Google yourself? I love that “google’ is a verb now-a-days. I googled myself today after the boss googled an applicant. I got nervous and wondered what about me is out there floating around on the web. I found a poem I wrote when I was 13, my facebook account, my Evite response to the Chicago blogger meet-up and some NaBloPoMo forum crap. Nothing too bad! I also found another woman with my same name. Down to the middle name even. She seems to run a lot. Go her!
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- Try to sign onto Windows Live this morning? So did I. It took about an hour to get logged on and that was after uninstalling and reinstalling the program. Seems that Windows Live has been down for about 11 hours now but the service status on their website thinks everything is peachy. Anyone know me on WL? If so, am I still logged on?
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- Matt Damon, be still my heart. Damon will play Jason Bourne one more time in the fourth installment of the Bourne series. After Identity, Supremacy and Ultimatium…what more can be done?
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- Cat fan? Please direct your attention to the anatomy of a cat’s brain. Thanks.
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- What’s better? Tetris ice-cube trays or Super Mario mushroom slippers?
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- Geeks everywhere rejoice! Recieve the March issue of Wired for free!! Act now because they’re only giving away 10,000.
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- Apple Woes?
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- If anybody would like to send me to the BlogHer ‘08 conference in San Francisco. I’d be very grateful. The ever lovely Jamie and I are trying to get volunteer gigs at the conference so we can go. Assuming the BlogHer Gods are against us, she’s already found some great deals on a flight & hotel. The only downside to the Gods being against us: Early Bird prices END February 28th. That’s two days away for those of you who didn’t know. TWO days to find out if we go for free, $283 or $383. No pressure!!! Luckily for her, she’s still a student and will most likely get a substantial discount. Another drawback to NOT being in school. Stay in school kids!!!
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- It’s about 79 degrees in my office today. Summer is here! It’s weird sweating inside and seeing five inches of snow outside my window.
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- New MacBook Pros. Celebrate.
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- Found at WonderCon 2008: I’m not entirely sure what these are, but I’d like one.
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- Would you bring your desktop computer into Starbucks? Please read.
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- I absolutely love the act2 - green smart laptop sleeves.

The boyfriend and I had a good talk last night. By good, I don’t mean that we’ve completely resolved everything and our relationship is all rainbows and sunshine now. I mean that we actually spoke for more than 10 minutes and tried to open up to each other about our current situation. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve cried more genuine tears before this whole situation. It’s a sticky situation because I love the boyfriend with all of my heart. I’ve given him all of me. I want the best for him and encourage him to pursue his dreams. Neither of us has done anything to intentionally hurt the other. There’s no cheating or petty fights between us. And this is why it is so hard to admit that this might end.
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He will regret not going to Iceland and I couldn’t live with him resenting me for that. But how do I let the love of my life go? The visits will be few and far between. There will be no phone calls. With the time difference, he’ll be going to bed shortly after I get home from work. All we will have is email and snail mail. But could that still be enough? I’m not ready to end this portion of my life. I’m not ready to not have him involved. He is my best friend, my strength and my love. He has been a huge part of my life for the last two years. How do I move on from that? Especially when neither of us want to?
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I will be going to Atlanta this weekend. There will be tears, conversations and even arguing. But there will be fun, too. I need this weekend for closure. I want us to decide if we will try to ride this out, or if we will end amicably on good terms. The way it was going, I was on my way to hating him because of how he was acting. I cannot end this relationship out of anger. He’s not a bad person and while he may be selfish and scared, he has a big heart. This decision is hurting him as well, even though he hasn’t really shown it until last night. So I’m going. We will try to have fun and just be “us” for a few more days. I will spend hours rubbing his head and hugging him. We’ll play video games, eat nachos and watch TV. We’ll discuss our options and hope that the decision we make at the end of the trip is the right one.
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Right now, I am trying to be okay with him leaving, whether we remain together or not. I want to be able to send him care packages and wish him well. I do not want to resent him. Our relationship doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve that. Could we make this work with him in Iceland and me here? I don’t know. But I might be willing to try. At least we’ll have tried and neither of us will be left wondering.
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I still have a lot of anxiety about this. Not knowing what will happen with us….it’s hard. And knowing that things might end this weekend…is tearing me apart. Neither of us want this to end. And that makes it so hard I hate distance and I really hope we’re stronger than it.

If you’ve ever asked for my address or received a letter from me, you might realize that I have two addresses that differ slightly. One is 6330 and the other is 6346. My mom lives down the street from me. I’ve used her address as my legal address for years and my current one as a mailing address sometimes.
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Anyway, this afternoon my mom stopped by to bring me my mail. She had two packages for me. TWO! Usually if I order something I have them sent here. I was confused. Did I order something and not remember it? I was flipping through my book list in my brain trying to jumble some type of memory of ordering something. Nope. I didn’t.
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Then I opened it and found a lovely card from the even lovelier Sobe. The card is beautiful, even her handwriting is beautiful haha! But wait! There’s more! A gorgeous bracelet from SadieAndLeo! Oh, AND a cute button with a kitty on it \

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But wait! There’s still more. Package number two was even better! How so? Remember this post from a few days ago about my obsession with Michael Baden? Well she did. She sent me the DVD! It’s extra special because this topic really grosses her out. So extra thank you Finally, she sent a copy of Mental_Floss’ Forbidden Secrets.
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Such an awesome surprise on this cloudy Monday afternoon! Thank you oh so muchly Sobe! E-hugs and love! \

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Edit: And there’s more! During dinner UPS dropped off another package with a really fun book about Chicago.
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Here’s the bracelet for those who wanted to see it:
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