No One Keeps a Secret | Free and Flawed

“Why when we do our darkest deeds do we tell? They burn in our brains, become a living hell. Cause everybody tells…”
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I have a secret that I’ve been hiding from myself. I’m an adult child of an alcoholic. I have no control over that. I cannot change the fact. No matter how badly I want to. No matter how much hope I have. Nothing will change that. I’ve been noticing darker characteristics of myself floating closer to the surface lately. Feelings and emotions that I’d rather not deal with. Have I been repressing them? Recently I have admitted to myself that I am very unhappy. I am often angry, taking my frustration out on others silently - by this I mean I huff and puff to myself and give sarcastic, almost annoyed responses to others. I’m not an angry person and I don’t like who I’m becoming. When I’m not wrestling with my anger, I’m drowning in my guilt. The amount of times I let guilt control my life is astonishing and embarrassing.
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Recently somebody close to me, ~~a fallen hero~~, was arrested. Because of our relationship and my “I’ll pick up the pieces” attitude, I bailed them out. Against my better judgment, I helped that person, even though I just found out nearly everything out of their mouth had been a lie. So many secrets, so many lies. I had to find out the truth on my own because said person is a coward.
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I’m struggling with feelings here. I’m not sure what to feel. I feel betrayed by somebody who I once trusted (not lately.) I feel hurt. I feel foolish for putting up with it for so long. I feel angry at them for doing what they’re doing. I’m angry because they’re ignorant. But yet I pity them. I have to sit by and watch them mess up their life and take everyone around them down, too.
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And now I’m being told to hate the disease, not the person. But where does the disease stop and the person begin? Alcoholism has been a part of his life since I was old enough to remember. Am I to believe that deep down this person cares and wants help? Is he struggling, too? Or is he just selfish and emotionally stunted?
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I went to an Al-anon meeting yesterday. In case you don’t know what that is, it’s like an AA group for family members of alcoholics. I felt out of place and uncomfortable, but still at ease because it was so refreshing to hear stories that resemble my own. It seemed that most people were there because their SOs were the ones dealing with the disease, but are currently in AA. Unfortunately, my qualifier doesn’t realize he has a problem.
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I could tell him. I’ve written him numerous times. I’ve never actually sent a letter or spoke a word. Instead I stand by and watch him dig his hole deeper and I allow myself to get sucked in - out of loyalty and guilt - I enable him. By helping, I am telling him that I will be here to help pick up the pieces every time he fucks up. He wouldn’t care if I told him. I’m the one with the problem in his eyes. It would hurt more giving him the letters than watching this because he would ignore everything I say. And for him to blatantly ignore his own daughter and drag me into his hell…well, that’s just not something I’d like to face right now. It’s my secret. For now.
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Generally this is not the place where I’d discuss these sort of matters. I’m not sure why this evening is different. I’m holding them in too much and am taking it out on the wrong people. I think it’s about time I start talking about this.
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Grant me the serenity
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to accept the things I cannot change;
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courage to change the things I can;
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and wisdom to know the difference.

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10 Comments so far

Jenn, Where to start? Amazing post doesn’t seem to cut it. You’re so very very incredibly not alone doesn’t seem to cut it. And the fact that he hasn’t come to terms with it just makes it harder. And the fact that you have to love him even when you don’t makes it next to impossible to try to step back. But if you can, that’s what you may need to do. Because this is your life and you’re doing something with it and you have your own passions and problems that are independent of his. And I hate that you’re going through it but you’re catching yourself now. Try the Al-Anon meeting again, or even a different chapter dedicated to the kids of alcoholics and there are a ton of books on topic. Neither of my parents but it runs in the family and the first piece of advice any of them give is to live your life and not theirs. Thinking of you.

This is a very interesting post. I’m sure you feel betrayed with the lies they told you.

I can’t imagine how difficult your situation is. I’m sorry for your pain.

First off, isn’t it so great and freeing to put your feelings out there into the blogosphere. So often, when you feel alone you realize that you’re surrounded by others going through the same thing you are.
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Hang in there. I don’t even know what to say…actually, yeah, I do. Be angry. Embrace that and be OK with it. You have every right. It’s not your fault.
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Big hugs to you. Keep posting about this. We’re here to listen!
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K

you certainly are brave. way to go for going to the Al Anon meeting. That couldnt have been easy. I would encourage you to continue going as long as you have these anger issues. write the damn letter and mail it, make it clear you will no longer enable or bail out. and stop bailing out the offender. if you dont enable, maybe it will encourage the resolution, if not, you’ll know you’ve done your part. try talking to the al anon leader? spokesperson? and see if they can ‘hook u up’ with someone else who has had these issues and are past it, such as an older lady who had an alcoholic husband or someone who grew up and out of it since they were always in that situation before. sometimes just talking to someone who has been there can really help…. oh and when it gets like above 30 degrees, go for a walk, head to the gym if not, exercise can exorcise a lot of demons…

Very brave post.

I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments. I appreciate all the support and advice I’ve received. I’ll probably continue writing about this every now and then. Thanks again.

jenn, now you’re talkin. you are underestimating two things…the power you can pull from the people who read what you write (so WRITE ABOUT IT, A LOT) and…that you’re not trusting your instincts, you’re betraying them. you write those things and never present them to him. it may hurt to watch him ignore, but it’s more important to feel like you’ve tried.
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especially if you find yourself exposing anger and pain you hadn’t assessed inside yourself before.

you are really brave to put yourself out there like that….and i commend you. definitely keep writing about this if it makes you feel better or helps you cope with what’s going on inside.

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I just don’t feel brave enough or strong enough to let him know these things yet. I’m afraid nothing will change and him choosing to ignore me will hurt more. But at the same time, I know he has to be told sooner or later because this will eat at me forever.
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I do plan to continue writing about it. I’m still getting use to airing out all this dirty laundry.

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