This Grinds My Gears | Free and Flawed

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I was listening to the Drex Morning Show on 103.5 this morning on my way to work. Every morning a caller will ring in with a topic they need advice on. This morning’s caller caught her husband of six-months in his office pleasuring himself on a webcam for another woman. She was obviously distraught about this and wanted advice on how to handle the situation.
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The DJs were basically telling her to get over it and deal with it. Let him do what he’s going to do because if she makes a big deal out of it, he’s going to go out and find someone to do it with. They were completely ignoring the fact that he was doing this with another woman via webcam. Her problem wasn’t that he was doing it in general, it’s a natural thing, but the fact that he was communicating with somebody else was the problem.
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If he were just pulling up pictures of random people off the net, it would be a different story in my opinion. But because he was initiating in conversation with this woman and allowing himself to be seen, actually entertaining her with this, bothers her and me. I wouldn’t be okay with that. Where do you draw the line? He may has well be out there with another woman. Technology is only making it easier for people to cheat but yet blurring the lines.
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I had a boyfriend who did this. At night, I’d go to bed and wake up finding him at the computer. He’d close the windows when I came into the room at first, but eventually he didn’t even try to hide it. Some how it was my fault that he had to resort to websites. Without getting into all the details, I’m pretty sure he had something wrong with him. Needless to say that relationship ended, badly.
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I hate that women are made to feel that it’s their fault their SO is resorting to websites, webcams and porn to feel satisfied. Maybe there’s a deeper reason. Or maybe they have an addiction and it’s no fault of the woman’s. I won’t stay on my soap box for too long, but I think it’s horrible that a woman was told to just deal with it. If a woman was the one on the webcam, her SO would think it is hot and expect more of it, or he’d be pissed off and accuse her of cheating. Once again a double standard comes into play.
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Bottom line: if you’re in a relationship, there’s no reason why you should be online, chatting up cyber women or men and getting naked with them. Just because you’re behind a computer screen doesn’t make it okay. I’m not asking someone not to pleasure themselves at all, just don’t involve other people if the two people in the relationship aren’t comfortable with it. Don’t be so selfish.
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I think this woman should tell her husband that she doesn’t mind him doing that, but leave the webcam out of it. Maybe she could get involved some way and bring it back to the two of them having fun rather than her walking in on him night after night.

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11 Comments so far

I found your site on google blog search and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. Just added your RSS feed to my feed reader. Look forward to reading more from you.
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Karen Halls

Karen -
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Thanks Always nice to know my readers!

It’s difficult, isn’t it - and different people are always going to have different reactions to situations like this based on their upbringing, their values, their life experiences, and a hundred other things.
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It reminds me of the board game “scruples”, where you were thrown really difficult questions that had no directly right or wrong answers.

sounds like this guy has deep issues that have nothing to do with his wife. they both need to go to therapy. 6 months into the marriage and he’s cheating? he probably got used to being a bachelor and hasn’t learned to keep his urges to himself yet. nothing a little growing up at a little therapy wouldnt cure. by any chance were the djs male, and like, divorced because they’re incapable and stupid? most likely. if you’re married, you keep that stuff to yourselves, you sure as hell dont take it anyone else, online or IRL as it were. what men won’t do these days. or, how they won’t ’stick together’ no matter how god awful the behavior of other men. women would turn on each other in a second if the other woman was behaving badly… talk about the boys club.. jeez…

Jill -
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There were two DJs, a man and a woman. I was surprised the woman was telling her to get over it. She seemed to change her tune when she realized he was doing this with another woman online and not just looking at porn. But she didn’t vocalize that too much, probably because she’s in a male-dominated environment.

>>At night, I\’92d go to bed and wake up finding him at >>the computer.
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lol
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any person finding his/her partner in such situation should ring a bell that there is something wrong in their relationship

I’m 100% with you on this one. I feel terrible that this woman is now in a position need legal action to end a sour relationship. Well, I’ll step back and say counseling and an honest conversation come first.
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But if he doesn’t see a problem here, that may not be fixable.

I completely agree with you. I don’t care if my bf does his business but the fact that that guy was doing it for another woman, now that’s just wrong. I would definitely draw a line there.

i love you

I wouldn’t mind if my husband did his business to pictures or DVDs of nekkid ladies… But a webcam and doing it with another Internet user???? NO!
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That is CHEATING. It crossed the line into cheating when he decided to get personal with an actual person.
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Unless you have an open relatinship and allow for that kind of thing, it is defnitely cheating.

You are right. But I’ve found from experience that DJs usually aren’t the brightest folks around. After all, for some odd reason, they seem to think we would rather hear them blather on about their insipid lives than hear some freakin’ music. HA!
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Also, if you take your advice from a radio DJ, you probably deserve what you get.

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