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Dear Santa,
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You best listen up, Chubby, because I didn’t get anything I wanted this year. I wanted to win the Super Bowl in February – and the Bears lost.
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Then I wanted another Super Bowl season, and instead everything went haywire. I still thought we might reach the playoffs even as the season crumbled, but the Minnesota Vikings dashed the last glimmer of hope Monday. On national TV no less. Ho. Ho. Ho.
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If you think I’m just another cynical NFL fan who deserves nothing more than a lump of coal, let me remind you that I have remained the consummate leader, backing my guys and pointing out the positives in an increasingly bleak season. It’s not like I wrecked a Lamborghini and abandoned the scene, know what I mean?
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The way I see it, you owe me. So let’s get down to brasstacks: I need a quarterback. A real one. No headcases, no aging veterans and – listen closely now – no neckbeards! I’m not asking for Tom Brady or Peyton Manning, just a guy who can put the ball in the end zone once in a while. And while you’re at it, Big Guy, why not tuck a durable running back into my stocking?
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Now shake the gingerbread crumbs out of your beard and get to work. You wouldn’t stiff me on Christmas, would you?
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Yours,
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Bears Fan
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P.S. If you can’t help me with the roster, I’d settle for some Hannah Montana tickets.