Percy Julian Middle School in Oak Park has just instituted a no-hugging policy. This policy says the school’s 860 students are not supposed to hug anywhere inside the building.

Administrators were concerned that “so-called ‘hug lines’ in the hallways were making students late for class and causing bottlenecks in the halls.”

Victoria Sharts (haha, sharts - anyone remember that from Along Came Polly?) the principal of Percy Julian said hugging is more appropriate for airports or family reunions.

Yes. Hugging is totally inappropriate between children.

Sharts actually denies that hugging has been banned but claims she’s only encourage students to get to class and not gather in the halls. “Consequences for hugging are reminders from the staff to keep moving, not to block the hallways, and to be on time for their next class.”

Hugging is the top reason why students are late for class. It’s not the shitty teacher, the forgotten assignment or pop quiz…no…it’s the hugs.

Let’s all thank Ms. Sharts for keeping students safe and in class. Pretty soon hugging will become a national epidemic and be banned in public places. Airports will require extra security features for hugging. “Please step through this hug-o-meter. It will measure the amount of hugs you’ve received today and let us know if you are over the limit. If you’ve reached your limit, please step away from the open embrace.”